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More from GraveyardGreg
Deathless begins! Art by 
panda_lover!
* * *
The sun's rays filtered through the canopy of trees, warming the thick, spotted gray fur of the snow leopard while he shoveled more dirt from the ground. He had been digging for an hour. The hole was shoulder deep now, but he hadn't found any sign of the chest. He was certain the map was authentic and that the tree with its thick roots and wide trunk was the one he searched for so diligently.
Still, could he have made a mistake? Might his search which spanned several weeks--precious time he could have spent with his wife and newborn son--be in vain? If so, then he had failed his family, and surely they would suffer even more for his foolish endeavor.
He shook his head, trying to force such negative, defeatist thoughts from his mind. They stubbornly clung to him, trying to slow down his efforts. Trying to make him give up and go back to the motherland. Perhaps he should. He missed his wife and son. Maybe they could make do with their meager wages. Maybe they could--
The shovel clanked against something hard. A rock, perhaps? Or...
He dug faster now. Anticipation chased away all thoughts of failure. What he struck was no rock. He saw the glint of gold, then wood.
It was the chest, the reason why he had spent weeks of travel and endured days of seasickness. All for this moment.
As he pulled the chest out from the earth, it surprised him how new it looked. The gold plating lacked even a spot of discoloration. The iron lock was absent of rust. Even the dirt failed to cling on its surface. If he had not known of the chest's origins, he would have believed it had been buried a few hours ago.
He easily picked the lock, then drew his pistol before carefully lifting the lid. If the legend was true, he would have little chance to aim...
A white blur leapt out of the chest, followed by the crack of his pistol shot. Damn, it was quick! But he scored a definite kill. He took aim at the dead rabbit that bled into the ground. So far everything he read was true. So next would be--
There was a fierce flapping of wings as the duck emerged from the rabbit. He ended its struggles with another shot from his pistol. Heart beating thunderously against his chest, he approached the fowl.
In front of the dead bird was an egg. Its shell a perfect white, like the snow that blanketed his homeland in the winter. He nervously looked around the woods, certain that he was being watched, but quickly dismissed it as paranoia. The only living thing was himself.
He carefully picked up the egg, turning it around and marveled on how everything he'd been told about this chest since childhood had been true. He had found the egg. He had found his family's future.
His life would not be the same again.
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panda_lover!* * *
The sun's rays filtered through the canopy of trees, warming the thick, spotted gray fur of the snow leopard while he shoveled more dirt from the ground. He had been digging for an hour. The hole was shoulder deep now, but he hadn't found any sign of the chest. He was certain the map was authentic and that the tree with its thick roots and wide trunk was the one he searched for so diligently.
Still, could he have made a mistake? Might his search which spanned several weeks--precious time he could have spent with his wife and newborn son--be in vain? If so, then he had failed his family, and surely they would suffer even more for his foolish endeavor.
He shook his head, trying to force such negative, defeatist thoughts from his mind. They stubbornly clung to him, trying to slow down his efforts. Trying to make him give up and go back to the motherland. Perhaps he should. He missed his wife and son. Maybe they could make do with their meager wages. Maybe they could--
The shovel clanked against something hard. A rock, perhaps? Or...
He dug faster now. Anticipation chased away all thoughts of failure. What he struck was no rock. He saw the glint of gold, then wood.
It was the chest, the reason why he had spent weeks of travel and endured days of seasickness. All for this moment.
As he pulled the chest out from the earth, it surprised him how new it looked. The gold plating lacked even a spot of discoloration. The iron lock was absent of rust. Even the dirt failed to cling on its surface. If he had not known of the chest's origins, he would have believed it had been buried a few hours ago.
He easily picked the lock, then drew his pistol before carefully lifting the lid. If the legend was true, he would have little chance to aim...
A white blur leapt out of the chest, followed by the crack of his pistol shot. Damn, it was quick! But he scored a definite kill. He took aim at the dead rabbit that bled into the ground. So far everything he read was true. So next would be--
There was a fierce flapping of wings as the duck emerged from the rabbit. He ended its struggles with another shot from his pistol. Heart beating thunderously against his chest, he approached the fowl.
In front of the dead bird was an egg. Its shell a perfect white, like the snow that blanketed his homeland in the winter. He nervously looked around the woods, certain that he was being watched, but quickly dismissed it as paranoia. The only living thing was himself.
He carefully picked up the egg, turning it around and marveled on how everything he'd been told about this chest since childhood had been true. He had found the egg. He had found his family's future.
His life would not be the same again.
<<< PREV | FIRST | NEXT >>>
Category All / All
Species Leopard
Gender Male
Size 1018 x 710px
File Size 74.4 kB
I think I see what you are trying to do, but you lead into the importance of the egg too soon without bringing in any real introduction to what's going on. There's nothing to anticipate how hard he has worked for to get the egg.
Watch India Jones, the Raider of the Lost Ark.
We don't know the protagonists histories, their names, or even their faces until two minutes into the movie. The build up is steady with the interactions of the characters, and the obstacles he faces.
Little subtleties are revealed, down to his clothing and map. The color palette is even closed down to earth tones of browns, blacks, greens, and blues.
When he sees the treasure for the first time though, his face is exaggeratedly illuminated as orange and the statue is a bright yellow to let us drink up the warm colors. We want the treasure as much as he does now.
It's an interesting start, this reminds me of John Steinbeck's "The Pearl", but I think you should focus on 90% anticipation and build-up, and then the 10% focal action that you want to show.
The Gladiator is another excellent movie to watch. You hardly see any gore, most of it is implied, yet it's first battle scene leaves you shaking in your shoes in excitement and fear.
I hope I'm making sense here, it'd be a shame if I wasn't and instead sounded like a douche bag.
Watch India Jones, the Raider of the Lost Ark.
We don't know the protagonists histories, their names, or even their faces until two minutes into the movie. The build up is steady with the interactions of the characters, and the obstacles he faces.
Little subtleties are revealed, down to his clothing and map. The color palette is even closed down to earth tones of browns, blacks, greens, and blues.
When he sees the treasure for the first time though, his face is exaggeratedly illuminated as orange and the statue is a bright yellow to let us drink up the warm colors. We want the treasure as much as he does now.
It's an interesting start, this reminds me of John Steinbeck's "The Pearl", but I think you should focus on 90% anticipation and build-up, and then the 10% focal action that you want to show.
The Gladiator is another excellent movie to watch. You hardly see any gore, most of it is implied, yet it's first battle scene leaves you shaking in your shoes in excitement and fear.
I hope I'm making sense here, it'd be a shame if I wasn't and instead sounded like a douche bag.
I'll have to read the rest of what you have going on here to see what the main focus of the story is going to be in order to better critique this prologue. Technically quite well written but it's in need of a bit of polishing since you have a couple of technical glitches here and there with grammar, mixed tense, and run-on sentences.
As for the feeling of the piece itself: Personally, I'd like just a *little* more detail about the snow leopard's family, and his motivation. A little more of an inkling as to *why* he was so desperate to find this treasure, and perhaps allude just a little more to his emotions in regards to what would happen if he didn't. When you're starting a story with something as mundane as digging for treasure, you need to capture the reader's imagination and emotions with something, and it pays to put that something in the prologue.
Still, I haven't read the rest yet, so I better do so before I say anything more...
As for the feeling of the piece itself: Personally, I'd like just a *little* more detail about the snow leopard's family, and his motivation. A little more of an inkling as to *why* he was so desperate to find this treasure, and perhaps allude just a little more to his emotions in regards to what would happen if he didn't. When you're starting a story with something as mundane as digging for treasure, you need to capture the reader's imagination and emotions with something, and it pays to put that something in the prologue.
Still, I haven't read the rest yet, so I better do so before I say anything more...
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