Opening up about issues from past that still haunt me.
2 years ago
Dunno if writing this will ease my mind or make it worse, but if therapy helps by opening up about issues i might aswell give this a try.
There's lotta issues from past that i tbh never quite managed to shake off to this day. notably my days spent in school. I wont get into details but best way i can put it is, if my school had social hierarchy i was at the very bottom of it, bad enough to a point even strangers iv never met would harass me randomly. There were some individuals who i felt like entire life revolved around just making me feel miserable, wether it be verbal abuse or randomly kicking and punching me. Few times i tried to fight back he just gets his little gang together to come dare me fight now. talking to teachers didnt help at all, and in some cases just made it worse.
Honestly dunno if this sounds over exaggerating but it feels like it gave me PTSD. even to this day if i view any media that involves bullying it just instantly reminds me of my time in school and makes me feel miserable. Not to mention getting randomly harassed by strangers makes me weary of passing people on streets as i cant shake off feeling that at some point they will randomly punch me. Well Highschool ended and i went to another school and figured thats the last i see them. but few years into future and i get called into conscription event or whatever they call it where bunch of teenage boys get called in to say how they will do mandatory conscription when schools end and i spotted those few individuals there sitting in back. well we get to part where we are called to meet officers, and when im called and go to the door that one guy in back decides to shout and call me a Faggot right in front of audience and some Army men, guess he just has no shame whatsoever.
Admittely i still to this day have nightmares about those people, and being abused like that with me primarily being pacifist led to some rage issues i have to this day, unfortunaly i cant control and it has led to my own siblings saying they're afraid il do something bad to them. And honestly sometimes i feel like only way to put an end to these nightmares and anger issues is to find out where those individuals live and burn their house. an Eye for an Eye as they say, but as of now id rather not go to prison so il just have to endure.
Well that was that, Dunno if opening up about these issues helps, or if this will just serve as another reminder of how some people gave me PTSD and got away with it, il probably regret writing this in couple days anyway.
There's lotta issues from past that i tbh never quite managed to shake off to this day. notably my days spent in school. I wont get into details but best way i can put it is, if my school had social hierarchy i was at the very bottom of it, bad enough to a point even strangers iv never met would harass me randomly. There were some individuals who i felt like entire life revolved around just making me feel miserable, wether it be verbal abuse or randomly kicking and punching me. Few times i tried to fight back he just gets his little gang together to come dare me fight now. talking to teachers didnt help at all, and in some cases just made it worse.
Honestly dunno if this sounds over exaggerating but it feels like it gave me PTSD. even to this day if i view any media that involves bullying it just instantly reminds me of my time in school and makes me feel miserable. Not to mention getting randomly harassed by strangers makes me weary of passing people on streets as i cant shake off feeling that at some point they will randomly punch me. Well Highschool ended and i went to another school and figured thats the last i see them. but few years into future and i get called into conscription event or whatever they call it where bunch of teenage boys get called in to say how they will do mandatory conscription when schools end and i spotted those few individuals there sitting in back. well we get to part where we are called to meet officers, and when im called and go to the door that one guy in back decides to shout and call me a Faggot right in front of audience and some Army men, guess he just has no shame whatsoever.
Admittely i still to this day have nightmares about those people, and being abused like that with me primarily being pacifist led to some rage issues i have to this day, unfortunaly i cant control and it has led to my own siblings saying they're afraid il do something bad to them. And honestly sometimes i feel like only way to put an end to these nightmares and anger issues is to find out where those individuals live and burn their house. an Eye for an Eye as they say, but as of now id rather not go to prison so il just have to endure.
Well that was that, Dunno if opening up about these issues helps, or if this will just serve as another reminder of how some people gave me PTSD and got away with it, il probably regret writing this in couple days anyway.
about the only thing you can do is take a slow deep breath, push it out of your mind and keep moving forwards. sooner or later Karma will bite them in the ass on your behalf. people like that have to harass others to make themselves feel important, when they are in fact nothing in the grand scheme of things
when in doubt, remember, you are one of us, a great big mass of degenerate furballs
I don't like getting into this sorta stuff, but I can say with certainty 2 things about this.
1) -Saying this out in the open should help to some degree. How exactly I am not sure.
2) -If it makes you feel any better, as a strong believer of KARMA, every one of those people WILL get what is coming to them. The only sad part is not knowing yourself when or what happened.
I guess opening about this has somewhat made me feel more relieved with the comments here. as for Karma i hope that true, unsuprisingly one of those individuals was the rich asshole in my neighbourhood who lived in large mansion while rest had simple homes, and from what i heard their neighbours got it even worse. and one time i saw their little gang bullying another kid by pushing him into dirty muddy ditch and i fled when they saw me, poor kid i hope he's doing fine nowdays.
I'm writing all this because, although I have it for different reasons, I too have PTSD, so I know the box of fun that comes with it all too well. You're not alone man. Watching bullying on tv or other forms of media make me very uncomfortable too, and for a good chunk of time I hated the people that made me miserable right back. It's difficult to do, but I've found the best thing you can do is simply be the bigger man. Moving on can be hard, there's so many years of anger that part of you wants justice for, but that time has passed. You can't get those years back or change what happened in them, but you can control what happens with yourself moving forward.
You're one of my all time favorite artists, I wait lavishly for new pictures especially of your heavenly Vanessa. You make people happy man, and that's a hell of a thing in this day and age. Much love. Happy belated Holidays and New Years, all that jazz.
Still, im trying to make the best of the mess i'v been left with in the aftermath of it. It's also nice to hear you're waiting for new stuff to come out, even when i havent managed to do much for months now other than having bunch of unfinished WiPs laying around. And happy holidays and new year to you too.