Personal Worries/Fears #1 - Abandonment and Intimacy
2 years ago
THIS JUST IN
Hey all
Hope you're all doing well. Physical health, I'm well. Mentally, also stable. But I thought talking about one of my fears would help others feel less alone, if nothing else.
So I struggle with a lot of family-based trauma and while I am getting better with it and finding more mindful ways of being, it doesn't really go away as much as I'd like. In particular, I have a deep fear of abandonment, loneliness, and rejection, but that fear is pertinent. It never goes away. I am constantly worried that I am one wrong step, one wrong word, one wrong decision from losing everything and everyone, being abandoned, and having to start over or even face a lifetime of darkness. It's why I can be overly friendly and also be petrified to both set my own boundaries and understand others boundaries. Simply put, I wasn't afforded boundaries growing up. I get trauma manifests itself differently for different people. Some may rush to others arms or be more/less sexual/romantic, some cope with drugs or addictive habits, some just pass the buck to the next generation. For me, I cling to my girlfriend a lot. I talk about her all the time, i know, but she's the one person I've found is able to love me as I am, and to awaken my own potential and worth. She really is my best friend, but I am scared that I could lose her at any time, or I would be abandoned, even though we have both greatly benefitted ourselves and each other as a couple. And I've lived with so much self-disgust, I've barely started to accept that I have any attractive platonic traits, let alone sexual. I feel disgusting cuddling anyone platonically, let alone... being intimate? I feel like I'm a gross and ugly predator, and nobody could ever want to be around me or to even be friends with me. I often wonder if this isn't the reason I'm popular in this fandom, not that I'd want to be popular anyway (fame is fleeting and fame frankly scares me).
So I admit it's a little disparaging seeing the general furry community consensus of being openly lewd with everyone, how cheating is not only a kink, but generally... shrugged off? When part of that family trauma is my mother cheating on my father (her husband who she's still married to) with three separate married fathers she worked with. I say that because her type is other people's husbands, and they gotta have kids, every time. Even planning to abandon her husband and her kids (i.e. me and my three siblings) and run to Europe with her first paramour way back in 2015. My dad found out about this three-year-affair 7 years ago as of yesterday. He took her back five days later. Never spent five days apart, my father always swore divorce but keeps taking her back and putting her above everyone else, even us kids. Here's where it gets worse: my mother has never liked me, I feel like she never wanted an autistic child (and yes, I'm the only one out of the whole family to be autistic). Two of my siblings are still her best friends and defend everything she does (my older nonbinary sibling is the only other one who has pulled away from her, but even they have been rekindling a relationship with my father, maybe out of necessity). She always compared me to my father (whose name is my dead middle name) even when I acted like her and took her side until I was 16. Even when I was being coached by my dad to act and dress like him between ages of 16 and 19. Even when I stopped acting like my dad since then. My father even pulled away from me, the one person who took his side, because he'd rather be miserable and be around her, than to be alone. And considering she's once told my father that he and us kids aren't her real family, only her father, sisters, and their children are, and that she basically spends all her time away from my father and my father is usually alone at home, he's alone and miserable. So it's hard for me to not take cheating/loss of control art personally, you know? And I know it's not anyone's burden to bear but my own, I'm not asking for anyone to change or cater to my whims, I get people are different and I'm not campaigning for everyone to be like me. But another of my fears is being ignored, and it's often why I interrupt, speak fast, and speak loud. I've been ignored so often, it's felt like the only way people would ever hear me. And often, it feels like nobody would want to hear me anyway.
So any way you cut it, I just feel like an outsider. In any social groups, I feel like the odd one out, the sore thumb, the annoying and unlikeable one, the one latching off because nobody can bring themselves to get rid of me, but everyone is itching at the opportunity to finally say I'm not good enough and I never will be. But I love you all, I truly do. I just need to let these thoughts out, get some water, and be kind to myself. I just hope I'm not alone.
Hope you're all doing well. Physical health, I'm well. Mentally, also stable. But I thought talking about one of my fears would help others feel less alone, if nothing else.
So I struggle with a lot of family-based trauma and while I am getting better with it and finding more mindful ways of being, it doesn't really go away as much as I'd like. In particular, I have a deep fear of abandonment, loneliness, and rejection, but that fear is pertinent. It never goes away. I am constantly worried that I am one wrong step, one wrong word, one wrong decision from losing everything and everyone, being abandoned, and having to start over or even face a lifetime of darkness. It's why I can be overly friendly and also be petrified to both set my own boundaries and understand others boundaries. Simply put, I wasn't afforded boundaries growing up. I get trauma manifests itself differently for different people. Some may rush to others arms or be more/less sexual/romantic, some cope with drugs or addictive habits, some just pass the buck to the next generation. For me, I cling to my girlfriend a lot. I talk about her all the time, i know, but she's the one person I've found is able to love me as I am, and to awaken my own potential and worth. She really is my best friend, but I am scared that I could lose her at any time, or I would be abandoned, even though we have both greatly benefitted ourselves and each other as a couple. And I've lived with so much self-disgust, I've barely started to accept that I have any attractive platonic traits, let alone sexual. I feel disgusting cuddling anyone platonically, let alone... being intimate? I feel like I'm a gross and ugly predator, and nobody could ever want to be around me or to even be friends with me. I often wonder if this isn't the reason I'm popular in this fandom, not that I'd want to be popular anyway (fame is fleeting and fame frankly scares me).
So I admit it's a little disparaging seeing the general furry community consensus of being openly lewd with everyone, how cheating is not only a kink, but generally... shrugged off? When part of that family trauma is my mother cheating on my father (her husband who she's still married to) with three separate married fathers she worked with. I say that because her type is other people's husbands, and they gotta have kids, every time. Even planning to abandon her husband and her kids (i.e. me and my three siblings) and run to Europe with her first paramour way back in 2015. My dad found out about this three-year-affair 7 years ago as of yesterday. He took her back five days later. Never spent five days apart, my father always swore divorce but keeps taking her back and putting her above everyone else, even us kids. Here's where it gets worse: my mother has never liked me, I feel like she never wanted an autistic child (and yes, I'm the only one out of the whole family to be autistic). Two of my siblings are still her best friends and defend everything she does (my older nonbinary sibling is the only other one who has pulled away from her, but even they have been rekindling a relationship with my father, maybe out of necessity). She always compared me to my father (whose name is my dead middle name) even when I acted like her and took her side until I was 16. Even when I was being coached by my dad to act and dress like him between ages of 16 and 19. Even when I stopped acting like my dad since then. My father even pulled away from me, the one person who took his side, because he'd rather be miserable and be around her, than to be alone. And considering she's once told my father that he and us kids aren't her real family, only her father, sisters, and their children are, and that she basically spends all her time away from my father and my father is usually alone at home, he's alone and miserable. So it's hard for me to not take cheating/loss of control art personally, you know? And I know it's not anyone's burden to bear but my own, I'm not asking for anyone to change or cater to my whims, I get people are different and I'm not campaigning for everyone to be like me. But another of my fears is being ignored, and it's often why I interrupt, speak fast, and speak loud. I've been ignored so often, it's felt like the only way people would ever hear me. And often, it feels like nobody would want to hear me anyway.
So any way you cut it, I just feel like an outsider. In any social groups, I feel like the odd one out, the sore thumb, the annoying and unlikeable one, the one latching off because nobody can bring themselves to get rid of me, but everyone is itching at the opportunity to finally say I'm not good enough and I never will be. But I love you all, I truly do. I just need to let these thoughts out, get some water, and be kind to myself. I just hope I'm not alone.