Talking about my anxiety
7 years ago
Alright, well first of all i wanna state that it's very difficult for me to write about this subject, i have always found it easier to keep these things to myself but unfortunately i'm at the point where i simply have to simply get it off my chest
I also want to thank theoneperson for advising me to reach out to get help, and while i'm incredibly scared to do so the first step is letting people know
As long as i can remember i've been very prone to nosebleeds, after some examination these happened to be related to stress, how this is possible i'm not entirely sure
The past few months have been very very stressful, after graduating high school in June of last year i decided to take a gap year since i couldn't choose a proper career path, later i applied for a Graphic design course earlier this year where i had to face two intake tests, one short interview and one assignment of eight hours, these were by far my most challenging experiences i've faced yet, around that time i had frequent nosebleeds but they were short and manageable, but i still wasn't feeling well at all, I got really lucky and managed to pass both tests and got into college, that was a huge accomplishment and i'm still very proud, in September i'm going to start my classes.
The thing is, i'm not looking forward to it at all.
Now you'll probably wonder why and that's a perfectly reasonable assumption, after all I was the one who went through so much to get this far, and frankly i'm just as baffled as you are.
I don't think i'm able to handle college life, i've always been the kind of person who needs his hand held when going trough stressful situations, and in high school i got a lot of guidance luckily, but in college it's much more rough i would imagine, and at the moment i'm 75% sure i would just drop out within the first year.
Knowing that, i tried to improve myself, reading self-help books ,keeping a diary, meditating for a few minutes after waking up, trying homeopathic remedies, i've been going outside at least once a day for a good while now, however none of that seems to help, and with September approaching it only seems to get worse, the only relief i can get at the moment is working on art and animations.
A week ago i started getting nosebleeds again, another really really crappy side effect of nosebleeds is that with every consecutive nosebleed in a period of time, the chance to get another one later on is higher.
The first one was manageable, i've had nosebleeds so many times so i know what to do when it occurs, i stay calm, grab a handkerchief and keep my nose shut until it passes, and it did, my second one was two days ago when i was sleeping, it happened completely out of the blue, something metallic tasting was flowing down my throat and i woke up and did the same as last time, however this one was more severe, usually ten minutes after plugging my nose i can remove the handkerchief and nothing more will come out, however this time it all dripped out like a faucet which was very unsightly, however i still kept my cool, got another handkerchief and did the same for twenty minutes instead until it passed, making sure to eat something rich in iron that day.
Yesterday in the middle of the night however, i got my worst one yet, it was 1AM and the same thing happened as last time, however i had more trouble staying calm this time, never before have i had three consecutive nosebleeds in a week, and this time it just wouldn't stop even after half an hour, i was going trough so much toilet paper, it spilled on the floor as i was grabbing and folding new paper to hold against my nose, which made me want to clean it up right away before it dried up which in turn made even more spill, i started losing control and eventually i broke down in the corner crying and gave up trying to stop the bleeding, i felt like i was gonna die that night, i think that was my first ever panic attack.
Eventually the bleeding slowed down and stopped, but the sight of so much blood made me feel incredibly sick, in turn i threw up but nothing came out, i sat there trying to control my breathing for a few minutes and against all odds managed to calm down, i washed my face, cleaned up the mess and just threw away my bloodied pajamas, i read my favorite dino pop-up book in the hopes of easing my mind a bit and managed to get a few more hours of sleep in.
For the whole day i've been contemplating whether to get this experience off my chest or not, but one thing is certain, i never want this to happen ever again, and i think the root lies in my anxiety problems, i've tried to get them under control for so long now but so far nothing has worked, i think the only logical step for me now would be to get help.
And that's much much much MUCH MUCH easier said than done, first i would need to make and appointment with a doctor, then i would need to sit there and explain my problems in perfect detail hoping i don't break out crying and hoping he actually believes me instead of thinking it's just another teenager looking to score some pills, and if i do get forwarded to a therapist i've heard there's a half year waiting list in the GGZ (Dutch mental health institute), so if i'm still here after that time i get to sit on a couch for two hours every week going 'boo hoo' with the therapist trying not to laugh at my haircut.
I wanna get help for my anxiety but i'm too anxious to go see a doctor, which in turn makes me even more anxious.
Well, i think that was everything, again this took a lot of willpower for me to get off my chest, and i wanna thank you immensely for simply listening to me, while it feels like i've just made a huge mistake by filling your inbox with negativity, i really hope simply getting it out there might help me somehow.
Luke out~
I also want to thank theoneperson for advising me to reach out to get help, and while i'm incredibly scared to do so the first step is letting people know
As long as i can remember i've been very prone to nosebleeds, after some examination these happened to be related to stress, how this is possible i'm not entirely sure
The past few months have been very very stressful, after graduating high school in June of last year i decided to take a gap year since i couldn't choose a proper career path, later i applied for a Graphic design course earlier this year where i had to face two intake tests, one short interview and one assignment of eight hours, these were by far my most challenging experiences i've faced yet, around that time i had frequent nosebleeds but they were short and manageable, but i still wasn't feeling well at all, I got really lucky and managed to pass both tests and got into college, that was a huge accomplishment and i'm still very proud, in September i'm going to start my classes.
The thing is, i'm not looking forward to it at all.
Now you'll probably wonder why and that's a perfectly reasonable assumption, after all I was the one who went through so much to get this far, and frankly i'm just as baffled as you are.
I don't think i'm able to handle college life, i've always been the kind of person who needs his hand held when going trough stressful situations, and in high school i got a lot of guidance luckily, but in college it's much more rough i would imagine, and at the moment i'm 75% sure i would just drop out within the first year.
Knowing that, i tried to improve myself, reading self-help books ,keeping a diary, meditating for a few minutes after waking up, trying homeopathic remedies, i've been going outside at least once a day for a good while now, however none of that seems to help, and with September approaching it only seems to get worse, the only relief i can get at the moment is working on art and animations.
A week ago i started getting nosebleeds again, another really really crappy side effect of nosebleeds is that with every consecutive nosebleed in a period of time, the chance to get another one later on is higher.
The first one was manageable, i've had nosebleeds so many times so i know what to do when it occurs, i stay calm, grab a handkerchief and keep my nose shut until it passes, and it did, my second one was two days ago when i was sleeping, it happened completely out of the blue, something metallic tasting was flowing down my throat and i woke up and did the same as last time, however this one was more severe, usually ten minutes after plugging my nose i can remove the handkerchief and nothing more will come out, however this time it all dripped out like a faucet which was very unsightly, however i still kept my cool, got another handkerchief and did the same for twenty minutes instead until it passed, making sure to eat something rich in iron that day.
Yesterday in the middle of the night however, i got my worst one yet, it was 1AM and the same thing happened as last time, however i had more trouble staying calm this time, never before have i had three consecutive nosebleeds in a week, and this time it just wouldn't stop even after half an hour, i was going trough so much toilet paper, it spilled on the floor as i was grabbing and folding new paper to hold against my nose, which made me want to clean it up right away before it dried up which in turn made even more spill, i started losing control and eventually i broke down in the corner crying and gave up trying to stop the bleeding, i felt like i was gonna die that night, i think that was my first ever panic attack.
Eventually the bleeding slowed down and stopped, but the sight of so much blood made me feel incredibly sick, in turn i threw up but nothing came out, i sat there trying to control my breathing for a few minutes and against all odds managed to calm down, i washed my face, cleaned up the mess and just threw away my bloodied pajamas, i read my favorite dino pop-up book in the hopes of easing my mind a bit and managed to get a few more hours of sleep in.
For the whole day i've been contemplating whether to get this experience off my chest or not, but one thing is certain, i never want this to happen ever again, and i think the root lies in my anxiety problems, i've tried to get them under control for so long now but so far nothing has worked, i think the only logical step for me now would be to get help.
And that's much much much MUCH MUCH easier said than done, first i would need to make and appointment with a doctor, then i would need to sit there and explain my problems in perfect detail hoping i don't break out crying and hoping he actually believes me instead of thinking it's just another teenager looking to score some pills, and if i do get forwarded to a therapist i've heard there's a half year waiting list in the GGZ (Dutch mental health institute), so if i'm still here after that time i get to sit on a couch for two hours every week going 'boo hoo' with the therapist trying not to laugh at my haircut.
I wanna get help for my anxiety but i'm too anxious to go see a doctor, which in turn makes me even more anxious.
Well, i think that was everything, again this took a lot of willpower for me to get off my chest, and i wanna thank you immensely for simply listening to me, while it feels like i've just made a huge mistake by filling your inbox with negativity, i really hope simply getting it out there might help me somehow.
Luke out~
However, there are a lot of people at my university that suffer from serious anxiety and can still walk away with high grades. I honestly don't know how they do it, but if they can do it, so can you.
Sometimes nosebleeds indicate severe brain damage / infections, and for nosebleeds to be happening to you that frequently and for that long is very concerning. So yes I definitely would recommend going to a doctor.
As for that half year therapist waiting list thing? Jesus mate, that sounds like it really sucks. Why is it so long? I really hope that doesn't happen to you.
Other than that it's good to hear you're going to get help.
That'd suck if you got denied. But I feel like your condition is serious enough that it should be accepted. Otherwise I'll lose my faith in people again and, haha well, you know how that road goes.
Many people are kind of worse off than you. It's a technicality. People who are clinically depressed, and have at least attempted self harm? Yeah I think that's worse. But...
That shouldn't deter you from trying. You're stressed and nosebleeds that bad and frequent are serious. Unless everyone watches too much anime and think oh hey that's normal. Cuz it's the opposite.
Sometimes I wonder if any of these people at all, have actually learned anything about psychology and medical stuff.
It's possible you might be able to get a diagnosis for your anxiety and if you do, you can then apply to get your special educational needs assessed and the university should be able to provide you with some support, obviously it varies between different universities (let alone different countries), but it's worth a try if it might make things easier for you.
As for difficulty telling your doctor I can relate, heck the first time I asked my doctor for antidepressants he basically said 'I see a lot of students and they're all depressed', not helpful, but he still gave me the prescription. If it helps, maybe write down what you want to say to him and/or bring a parent in there with you, and if you do end up breaking down in front of your doctor then if anything that'll make them take your anxiety more seriously! Your doctor is there to help after all so if you share everything with them and hold nothing back (easier said than done I know) then you should be able to get some help.
University isn't easy for anyone, but I really think the rewards far outweigh the challenges so definitely go for it.
And yeah talking to a doctor and getting a response like that is one of my biggest fears, it pretty much invalidates all my feelings in one feel swoop, and i have no idea how to make it seem believable so he won't think i'm just looking to score some zannies or something x.x
But yeah thanks a lot for listening~
I know times are tough, life can get hard, it really can.
But I know things will work out for you in the future pretty soon.
Don't worry.
This has happened all my life, since I was a baby. So I understand how frustrating it feels to battle against the hardships of life with an added foe on top of it called your own body. Knowing how helpless it is to face this, I can only tell you two things, as a student who is one semester away from graduating:
1. I am not ging to sugar-coat it. College will be hard. There will be times when you'll need to punch your pillow while tears come streaming down your cheeks. There will be times when you'll forget to have lunch, dinner and wake up feeling like your stomach is trying to murder you from the inside out. There will be times when you'll feel so much hate against you, or against others that silence and peace will be your only allies, and just as many times when you'll need a hug from a pal, or a deep conversation, or an afternoon indulging in pizza and jokes. In short, college is a rollercoaster... one that lasts orders of magnitude more than a conventional one, and costs just as much.
2. And despite all of this. Despite whatever any random dude (and their feathery 'sonas) might say, you are the only one who can tell whether you are ready to face the challenge or not. Life often places obstacles along our way so that we take a moment to stop and think about what we are capable of achieving. And we might not feel ready at the moment, but you have proven to be a great learner: someone who can assume challenges and learn form his mistakes, who can see opportunities where others might see mistakes. And most important of all, you have the power to decide what to do with your life. Remember we're here only for a little while, so we better make the most out of the time we've got.
In all honesty, I have to say, I see a true hero in you. You are someone who I really look up to. Whatever you do, I support you and I believe you'll be doing the right thing. After all, there are no rights and wrongs in a given decision, only different paths that teach us different lessons. Bear this in mind, and never forget whenever you might need it, I'll be right there for you.
Take care, big boy!