It's been forever since I've posted here, but here goes nothing.

With the way my dysphoria and body dysmorphia has made me feel about myself over the past few years, I've come to think it's possible that I may be transgender or transfeminine. Thinking about it at first made me anxious, nervous, in disbelief; I thought I had it figured out.

I've never considered that I might be transgender despite the fact that I identify as genderfluid and have dysphoria and body dysmorphia on top of it. It's hard to know that you think you have yourself figured out and then have something like this fall on you.

There's no doubt in my mind that whatever I decide, I can't turn back to where I was before, even less so if I decide to pursue HRT. One thing is for sure, meeting with someone at Central Wellness today was possibly the best thing I've ever done for myself. It gave me a lot to think about and now I have to figure out where to go from here and what I may want to get out of it now that I do.

I won't lie, I am a little scared of what events could occur over the next several months. I'm self conscious as it is about my appearance, but I'll test the waters at Anthrocon and see where things go. I'm at a crossroads; now I wonder which way I'll go.

Okay, so I've been a part of the fandom for roughly 4 years now and much of it has been a good time for me as it helps me take a load off and relax from everyday life. Recently, there has been something of a disturbing trend taking place lately and it seriously needs to be addressed. It's not just the usual drama where a few people are having a spat and it spreads all over the place and then fades away into the background.

Recently, there doesn't seem to be a day where I can go by without seeing some kind of furry drama on Twitter. Some of it lately has been rather disturbing to say the least and it has been the most off putting I've seen in a while. And by off putting, I'm talking about the recent string of death threats that have been thrown around lately. Telling people to kill themselves because they have an unpopular opinion, might say something you don't agree with, say something that's taken out of context, etc; STOP. There is nothing good that can come from this kind of conduct. Indefensible, controversial, unpopular, questionable, etc; there's no excuse for death threats or telling someone to kill themselves. In some places, depending on where you live, that can be looked at as a felony.

If you or anyone else finds themselves going down this path, remember this: Don't do something to others that you wouldn't want done to yourself. Only love can drive out hate and by talking can we reach understanding and compromise. We can and have to do better as individuals and as a community, we shouldn't be doing this. History will not look kindly on the fandom if this type of mob mentality continues and can't continue to consider itself to be open and welcoming with this type of behavior and conduct.

I could continue to go on and on about what to do and what not to do, but only you as an individual can make the decision for yourself. When you do, be careful for what you wish for because you just might get it.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I'm glad 2017 is over; after 2 funerals and a memorial service, no one needs that on their mind. Honestly, I'm still not over the death of my great-grandmother and I don't think I will be anytime soon. Only thing I can do is to keep trying to go forward. I'll be going back to school in the fall, so there's that; I've got ideas for a restaurant I want to start based on the Patreon that I'm doing; I'll probably have my fursuit sometime this year; and maybe for once I won't be so stressed out.

I'm getting old x.x

Well, the doctor's office called me back about my ultrasound; they said it's just a fatty liver and the best way for me to heal it is to lose weight and change my diet. That's great and all, but that's only part of it; I'm not sure how to go about making a complete lifestyle change seeing as every attempt I've made in the past hasn't worked out in the long run. I would even go vegetarian or vegan if I could find a way to make it work without it being so rough. I know what I have to do, but I don't know what to really do; I've managed to watch my sugar and junk food consumption, I include more fruits and vegetables with my meals, I rarely drink alcohol, and my job alone gives me exercise as I average 9000-15000+ steps a day.

It's bad enough that I have this issue that I've been trying to correct and one that I never would have expected to happen, but with my grandfather's passing as well as Shawna's passing, both of which were from complications of diabetes which I'm at risk for hasn't helped and has mentally weighed on me more heavily than I care to admit. It has especially bothered me that with what I have going on that I could potentially wind up dead from my own health complications that I so nonchalantly and passively let bog me down physically and personally. It's like I have one foot in the grave and now I'm trying to make peace with myself and get it together to prevent the inevitable from happening before I get too old and it winds up being too late.

TL;DR: I feel lost, I'm not sure where to go, what to do, get started, etc. I haven't been this bothered as bad as the past 30 months have been far less than ideal. Why am I doing this to myself and why can't I bring myself out of this? I want to be able to enjoy myself, enjoy life, and the time I spend with friends and family to the absolute fullest, but it feels damn near impossible.

I also happen to have an unusual desire for blood... and I can smell yours... >:3

Just kidding! I'm not actually a vampire or anything... or am I?;3

No I'm really not, seriously this time!

Anyway, I've pretty much forgotten about posting here if anything, soooo...

It's a new year, yay! Hello 2017 and go fuck yourself 2016!

Well, I'm slightly irritated that the audio did not record properly on the back up and on the initial livestream... *headdesks*

Here it is ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYr6_zelFZk ), but if you don't feel like watching it or couldn't watching because of the audio, basically the TL;DL version was this:

-Yes, Donald Trump defeated Hillary Clinton.
-Yes, Trump supporters are ecstatic while Clinton supporters are devastated.
-Yes, Clinton supporters need to accept the loss and be able to move forward with their heads head high for all the work done on the campaign trail.
-Yes, Trump supports can enjoy their moment of triumph and be happy that their candidate will be the next president.
-No, Clinton supporters should not be losing their minds, crying their eyes out, and threatening suicide because she didn't win; get a fucking grip.
-No, Trump supporters shouldn't be sore winners about it and be "in-their-faces" to Clinton supporters about his victory in the election; grow the fuck up.
-Yes, people fighting, disowning, blocking/unfriending/unfollowing/removing others based on who they voted for/supported is one of the most classless and childish reaction in American politics and simply contributes to the division of the people. Don't expect kids to stay in a child's place when you lower yourselves to their level and it says more about your level of maturity than the person you're trying to distance yourself from because of that.
-Yes, racial, religious, and LGBT minorities have legitimate concerns about their safety, yet it's mostly from the people rather than the government.
-Yes, the lack of class amongst the people when it comes to politics is at a critically low point and a level of civility needs to be established, like an informal code of conduct.
-Yes, the media is largely responsible for exaggerating, spinning, and exacerbating the feelings and emotions of the American people to a dangerously critical point.
-No, liberals are not to blame and neither are conservatives; pointing the fucking finger at a political ideology for the supposed destruction of the USA is downright idiotic. Look in the mirror and then ask that question of who's to blame.
-No, I don't fucking apologize for the fucking f-bombs used in this fucking post or the somewhat botched fucking livestream that I did earlier and no I will not fucking take them down as it is not a good fucking time to be fucking politically correct about this fucking bullshit.

At what point do we all say that this is going too far?
At what point do we say we need to step back and look at what we're doing?
At what point do we look ourselves in the mirror and realize that we have to be the change we want to see in the world?
At what point do we realized that we will keep reliving the same nightmare scenarios over and over again unless we start learning from our mistakes?
At what point do we realize that we need to admit that we have problems so we can begin to solve them?
At what point do we say... enough?
What the hell is it going to take? Are we that scared to face our problems?

However you take what I said here is on you; this election has showed a lot of people's true colors and an extreme amount of hypocrisy from both sides. If you find yourself offended, tough shit, it needed to be said. Hopefully, I won't ever have to make a post like this again in the future. Hopefully, the people of this country will have wised the fuck up and learned something instead of buying into the bullshit. We did it to ourselves, now own it.

The lack of class over this election is flat out degrading. Rigged or not, the lack of political class on all sides needs to be addressed. I'm gonna try and stream live on YouTube to talk about this; if not YT, I'll be sure to let everyone know about it.

Also, see image below.

[img]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwyC4SPXAAIadxz.jpg [/img]

UPDATE: I'm moving the time of the live stream back to 8 PM Eastern (7 central, 6 mountain, 5 pacific), but it probably won't kick off until about 8:15 or so. After everything that I saw on my feed yesterday and this morning, I expect to see a lot of you watching this stream and hear what I have to say about all of this unnecessary chaos.

So I finally got up and went to the dentist yesterday. Not by choice unfortunately, I've been having a lot of tooth pain over the past couple of days and it turns out one of the fillings fell out of one of my molars and is now showing signs of the onset of bacterial infection.

Yikes... so now, the option remains that I either get a root canal or have it pulled. Take it out, I say; I have to get other teeth removed as well for different reasons, so this is probably the better option.

Only downside is that this is all gonna cost me close to $3000... and that's with dental insurance. Oy, this will be fun to pay off, but at least Aspen Dental will make it all hurt less, dental-wise and financially.

Last time I made a journal was... wow, over 7 months ago. I can honestly say, I'm not where I thought I would be since the beginning of the year. I've lost some weight, not much; I quit my job at the hotel (that was a disaster that I should have never gone into) and found two new jobs at a hospital and restaurant; I moved into a new place with other furs.

Everything still feels like total crap though; it's hard to stay optimistic in this bullshit we call reality.

Well, another year has come and gone; needless to say, the further I get away from 2015, the better. There seems to be a common theme for this year. It sucked and it sucked badly for so many people, including myself. After all that's happened, I'm still not completely over it. But if I'm to have a better year, I need to let it all go and start anew.

I'm making the first day of 2016 my reset button and actually do the things I say I'm gonna do instead of procrastinating all the damn time because that's getting me nowhere.

So with that being said, here's a few things I plan to do.

Weight Loss: Bottom line, I need to lose around 60-80 lbs within the next two months (end of February) before I make a DTD (duct tape dummy) to send to Sparkle Kreations for my fursuit.

Driver's License and CDL: My driver's exam is on January 5 and if I pass, I'm gonna apply to get a Class B CDL so I can drive a bus for Port Authority or for another job that I can use that for.

Car: Chevy Malibu; my mother has rented this car a few times and so far, it's one of the few that has enough leg space inside for me to work with. I aim to get a car sometime in April/May.

Fursuit: Sparkle Kreations is making it! I still have some weight to lose, but I need to do it by the end of the month and lose as much as possible. Here's hoping it'll be done in time for Anthrocon 2016.

House: This is particularly tricky to say the least as there are several different properties that I'm considering for this. It's a considerably long list to say the least. The majority of them are residential lots and that's because I would like to have my own home custom built from the ground up. If you want to know more about what I'm considering, click on each one to see for yourself. I plan on buying a house sometime after Anthrocon, likely August/September.

2487 Pitcairn Road, Monroeville, PA 15146 (this one's status is contingent which means it might be sold soon): http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1063894
315 Elicker Rd, Plum Boro, PA 15239: http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1078446
(130?) Longvue Drive, White Oak, PA 15131: http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1070018
760 Valemont Drive, Penn Hills, PA 15147: http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1088038
1765 Butler Logan Road, Tarentum, PA 15084 (this one has the largest amount of potential so far; UPDATE: this one's status is contingent which means it might be sold soon): http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1201598
1635 Old Leechburg Road, Plum Boro, PA 15068: http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1201183
9701 Saltsburg Road, Plum Boro, PA 15239: http://www.howardhanna.com/Property.....stpenn/1070912

Bus: I've had my eye on this one for some time now; I don't plan on converting this one in particular as I look to get another bus to convert into an RV or party bus. I plan on getting this bus in October if it doesn't sell by then. --> http://www.bargainbusnews.com/Buses.....eoplanTransit/

Overall, this is likely gonna cost me close to around $500,000; I don't plan on trying to do it, I will do it and I will accomplish all of this. For once, I'm gonna have something worth showing off!

I've decided to open up for writing commissions to make a little extra money for the holiday weekend. If I don't get back to you right away, don't be alarmed; I work a full time job and it may take some time to get to them.

Details:
-Pay What You Want (Min $5)
-Rating can be General, Mature, or Adult
-Min 500 words
-Up to 2 characters a story (no more than two)
-I ONLY accept PayPal, no exceptions

The TOC and commission form are on my profile containing more information.

Looking back on 2015... this year was shit, plain and simple. I don't even want to think about anything that happened this year. Anthrocon was about the only good thing that happened and even that was bittersweet. My only resolution for 2016 is for it not to be a repeat of this year and for it not to be as much hell as it is right now.

I've just been preoccupied with work a lot lately; working in a hotel can be unpredictable in some cases and I usually don't know when I'm getting off on certain days.

And for those of you who made story requests, I haven't forgotten about you; the last few months have not been kind to me and my mother lately.

I'm also working on a new book series which I'll be working on for a while and posting it to Patreon. If I can raise enough money every month, I can quit my job and write full time which is a major goal of mine.

...And I have no idea of what to do... XD

Moving Situation: Good news is that my mother and I have finally found a place to live; relatively small, but it's better than nothing to say the least. Bad news is the stress combined with the stress from work has left me feeling somewhat overwhelmed and depressed at times. There are a lot of days where I don't know what to do or I can't do anything to make what has happened stop. I actually broke down crying one day because I felt like I couldn't take it. I've never felt that depressed in my life to the point of crying.

Western Pennsylvania Furry BBQ: I'm working on saving up to reserve the shelter for Saturday, May 7, 2015. This first event will be experimental to say the least to see what can be done to improve this in the future. I'm also debating on getting a liquor license for this too; it'll be more expensive to reserve, but we'll see what happens.

Book Series: I've been having an idea in my head for a series of books for a while now and I've been wanting to get them out onto paper... yet I can't seem to do it. Seriously, I can't write what I want on paper; I'm stuck. It's right there, fingers, so what the hell...?

So I finally managed to do it; I came out to my mother as bisexual last night... well, I at least told her I was questioning, but regardless I feel that I am. Leading up to it, that was the most anxiety I had ever felt in a long time and still today, I still have those feelings. At this point going forward, I don't know what to expect and to be honest, I'm scared of what may be to come. My mother was the main target for this and she has mixed feelings about it, but she says she loves me no matter what.

I don't know what else to think, I'm just scared for my future now...

I've decided to open up and take writing requests now; I want to get in as much practice as possible and shake off the cobwebs before I even think about opening for commissions. There are links to the Google Forms on both here on my FA page and on my Patreon.

Hopefully, this will help take my mind off things for a bit.

One does not simply go on a fandom hiatus without that burning desire to immediately end it... and regret going on it at the same time... unsure emoticon Its hard to stay away from something that has changed your life for the better, especially in the worst of times. Only reason I did it is because I felt I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of it because of what my mother and I are going through and I didn't know if I would be able to do anything about it. I was scared, I didn't know what to expect, I had no idea as to what to do. I feel rather silly for making a decision like that without considering how much joy and happiness many of you have brought me over the past two years. Part of growing up and making mistakes is part of that, I guess. This was definitely one mistake I regret now. Whenever the chips are down, you turn to friends and family for comfort, not push them away and I feel like I did just that by isolating myself from those that care about me because of this. I didn't think this through at all and isn't the first time that it's happened and it probably won't ever be the last. I'm sorry for worrying the hell out of many of you because of what's happening. I just want it to be over...

I never thought that I would be in this particular position at any point in my life; I never once thought this would ever happen to me; and I never would wish any of this on my own worst enemy. With that being said, most of you may not see or hear from me for a while until things straighten out personally.

No more meets, no furry stuff, not much of anything recreational until this is over. As much as I hate it, I'm taking an official hiatus from the fandom indefinitely. It may be for a short amount of time, it may be for a longer period of time. But there's nothing I can do about this.

I love all of you and I hope to see you all again one day.

Lately, I've been debating on whether or not to get back into writing again. So far right now, the answer seems to be yes. I used to write a lot a long time ago, mostly fanfiction stories that I've never really finished. I actually plan to start rewriting them again, so keep an eye out for them! More than likely, you'll see them on Fanfiction.net and I'll post a link to my profile there in the future.

At some point this week, I want to start practicing my writing again, so I'll be taking requests to write whatever you fuzzies want me to write! I need to shake the cobwebs before I decide to start doing commissions and I need to finish the damn TOS I need to put together... as well as the Google Forms to make things easier.

I'll also be converting my Patreon page to post my commissions as well as look to offer several other things in the future as things move along... and if they work out. Do note that at the current moment in time, I am working full time, so unless that doesn't work out, I might be slow in getting all of your writings done.

By all means, keep a look out for around Thursday or Friday; I should be all ready to go by then!

Like a librarian puts the books to the shelf, I have returned. A lot has occurred withing the past 4 months and not in a good way; chances are I may or may not be at Anthrocon this year, but I won't know until June 12 or so. Everything is simply up in the air at the moment.

The title is self explanatory if anything. Since we moved, I haven't been able to get online as much as I would like to. On the positive side, I did find a full time job, so things are beginning to look up somewhat. I don't know when I'll be back online, but I'll let all of you know when I do.

So it's official now; we have to move out of our apartment by the end of the month, which as of today, means we have exactly 15 days to move. I have no idea what we're gonna do, I still haven't found a job yet, and at this point, I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm becoming dead weight because I can't contribute financially.

I set up this GoFundMe to try and get as much help as possible; if anything can be given, it's greatly appreciated. In return, I do a podcast 4 times a week and a video on Saturday.

http://www.gofundme.com/apartment-funds