So, for reasons I don't really care to get into, I've been introspective and retrospective about the community as of late.

I've been around furry 'stuff' for about 15 years now. I can confidently say things were better back then. I met my best friend. I had love in my life. People were willing to listen and tolerate my weird, mental illness fueled quirks. I met people I was convinced I would know for the rest of my life.

About halfway through this 15 year stint, I found the community become considerably more toxic...

I don't know why. I used to frequent RP sites like F-list and man, if you didn't line up with a person's interests, then get out of here! 'Conform to my interests!'

Suffice to say, I began to distance myself. I decided that the people I loved and cared about were all I needed anyways.

Boy... Was that a bad decision.

I've suffered so much loss in the past few years, that the recent events just feel like a tacked on sideshow.

I used to know maybe a dozen people or so I numbered as my circle of friends and they've all been whittled away, one by one.

Feels like I'm back to square one, nearly the same spot as 15 years ago XD except now I'm far more jaded. Even when I do everything right, I still get to suffer for it. I stand up for myself and I keep trying to find some suitable outlets and people to share my interests with but alas. I stand alone.


And you know what?

I'm okay with it.

I've been used, taken advantage of, belittled, misunderstood, marginalized and lied to by so l, so many people it's mind blowing.

I'm determined to be better... Not... Like a better writer or some such silliness. I'm determined to be better with myself.

Turns out, people pretty consistently let me down. The one person I could always depend on, is dead. I have realized, after almost 2 years later he was the only one keeping me going with that sorta thing.

So I've been learning to be okay with myself... I know what kind of person I am. I care, I'm kind, I worry about everyone and everything to the point of sickness. I always try to make things better, but I am also full of failing. I'm certainly some level of autistic. ADHD definitely... And I suspect a hint of PTSD (or whatever they're calling it these days) and definitely tons of anxiety.

No one wants me, but that's fine. I want me. I had the misguided belief that the people I cared about reciprocated enough to care about me and my well being as well.

It's not often I'm wrong but BOY I was wrong!

Oh well. Definitely way past rambling at this point.

I've made some adjustments in my life. I'm trying to decide if this community is even suited for me, but I guess we'll see.

I have a 3 part series about to be posted. I intend to have some artwork with it, but I may post the 1st part without art.

I'm actually planning on releasing a version here for free on FA and a 1 dollar edit with some extreme content in it.

I know this will die in the journals section and that's okay. More about putting the thoughts in writing. Makes it easier for me to ponder them out.