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| 29 | Roo/Deer/Dragon | Demi | They/Them | π΅π | Artist | Fursuiter | Kingdom Hearts Nerd | Vinyl Junkie | Pagan | π±| SoCal | #BLM #ProChoice
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Email: anbautista93[at]gmail.com
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Comments Made: 4702
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Comments Made: 4702
Journals: 264
Recent Journal
im tired
4 months ago
I'm Tired
And what I mean is that i'm frustrated of feeling like i'm reaching for the unattainable and still having faith in myself that it will happen someday. Here's the thing, I currently live in Southern California, turned 30 last year still under the roof of my folks, about 4-5 days a week i have to ballance my part time job being a caretaker for my sister as well as attend two art gigs at Furality and Helluva Boss, and usually on the weekends I try to catch up on finishing up commissioned artwork if I'm not babysitting my 2 yr old nephew. I had to quit doing customer service and food service jobs last year due to mental health and being at the tail end of college. I also don't operate well under pressure and high paced tasks.
For the past decade all i wanted to do is finish college and hopefully be able to move out and find a stable job being in a studio as a full time artist. At least that's what my follks wanted me to do. Dont get me wrong, to a large degree that's what I personally want too. But not once have I considered if that's what I want to do as much as i should. I regret not setting enough boundaries, I regret not having opportunities to standing up for myself when my folks tell me off.
For those who are unaware, I come from a filipino-american family. I'm also pretty sure many other backgrounds and generations can relate as well when I say this. I'm lucky that i'm part of a culture where living at home as an adult isn't as stigmatized as majority of western countries, but it also comes with a price where I can't feel obligated to set boundaries because I was taught that setting boundaries means disrespecting my folks. Up to this day i have problems saying no to people because deep down I feel that i'm letting them down and i'm in the wrong for doing that. I tell myself that i'm blessed to have friends to talk to so why risk loosing them by disappointing them?
My overall point is, I'm tired of feel like i'm falling behind. I don't want to feel like things aren't going to change on top of falling under the same routine just to get by. I wan't to eventually move out and at least be with someone I can be comfortable sharing a space with. I want to work at a job that i've been attaining for the past 10 years, I want to no longer think that the only easy way out is fucking death.
I'm tired.
And what I mean is that i'm frustrated of feeling like i'm reaching for the unattainable and still having faith in myself that it will happen someday. Here's the thing, I currently live in Southern California, turned 30 last year still under the roof of my folks, about 4-5 days a week i have to ballance my part time job being a caretaker for my sister as well as attend two art gigs at Furality and Helluva Boss, and usually on the weekends I try to catch up on finishing up commissioned artwork if I'm not babysitting my 2 yr old nephew. I had to quit doing customer service and food service jobs last year due to mental health and being at the tail end of college. I also don't operate well under pressure and high paced tasks.
For the past decade all i wanted to do is finish college and hopefully be able to move out and find a stable job being in a studio as a full time artist. At least that's what my follks wanted me to do. Dont get me wrong, to a large degree that's what I personally want too. But not once have I considered if that's what I want to do as much as i should. I regret not setting enough boundaries, I regret not having opportunities to standing up for myself when my folks tell me off.
For those who are unaware, I come from a filipino-american family. I'm also pretty sure many other backgrounds and generations can relate as well when I say this. I'm lucky that i'm part of a culture where living at home as an adult isn't as stigmatized as majority of western countries, but it also comes with a price where I can't feel obligated to set boundaries because I was taught that setting boundaries means disrespecting my folks. Up to this day i have problems saying no to people because deep down I feel that i'm letting them down and i'm in the wrong for doing that. I tell myself that i'm blessed to have friends to talk to so why risk loosing them by disappointing them?
My overall point is, I'm tired of feel like i'm falling behind. I don't want to feel like things aren't going to change on top of falling under the same routine just to get by. I wan't to eventually move out and at least be with someone I can be comfortable sharing a space with. I want to work at a job that i've been attaining for the past 10 years, I want to no longer think that the only easy way out is fucking death.
I'm tired.
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