So last year... big doozy. The years seem like they've just grown weirder and weirder and more stress-laden since... damn, since 2001. And the fact that some of you weren't even around then blows my mind and adds extra aches to my knees and backs XD I don't feel old, though. I'm firmly in the ranks of greymuzzle now, but my heart and my excitement and my desire to live and love fully still feel so young. I didn't have a childhood worth speaking of, or a good teenagehood (whatever that's called), so now, in my 40s, as I've healed from hurt to hurt and have grown to love myself and love others in general, I feel almost revitalized. I still have a long way to go; I still can't look in a mirror, still have PTSD-induced nightmares, still have panic attacks and bouts of abandonment and separation anxiety. We're all works in progress, right? And nobody's perfect. I don't think we should strive for perfection, either; one, we'll just be disappointed, and two, we are so much more interesting with our occlusions and rough edges and little flecks of jet and gold throughout. I'm working on myself, and that's going well :)

Losing so many people last year, so many close and dear people, changed something in me. I still don't know what that was, to be honest. After C passed, I felt like something inside broke and hasn't come back together. Broken things don't always mean bad things, though. Breaking a leash, breaking a cage, breaking through a wall that holds you back... that's powerful stuff. I've been more outspoken, more protective, more unwilling to put up with stupidity and ignorance. I'm calling people out, family included, more on bad behavior and disgusting views. I always played the peacemaker as a child, someone who took the blame on themselves to ease tensions and quell anger, whether that blame was justified or not. No more, though. Not anymore. And I love this newfound freedom

Along with that, I've been reaching out to folks and sincerely offering support and kindness and offering to help however I can with the means I have. I am not well off; I am largely homebound and agoraphobic, and with disability being the main source of my household income, we often get stretched quite thin here. But if I can help, I will. A lot of folks are fiercely independent, and that's alright! I'm not wanting to be a crutch or be someone who takes away anyone's sovereignty. But I can be a helping hand, and I can listen, and I can advise, and I can comfort. I've lived a rough life - I've been physically assaulted and beaten, abandoned, homeless, penniless, rock bottom, abused every which way since Sunday, SA'd, addicted, etc. I'm not saying any of that to garner sympathy. Honestly. But I've likely been in a situation where you have been. I never, ever want anyone to feel alone as they go through the same. I never, ever want anyone to feel that no one's there to listen to them or to offer them a shoulder to cry on. So I'm here, however I can be. I do have my own struggles and will often take some time off to manage my own mental and physical health, but my head and heart will always be with you even then

Elora and I are carefully, tentatively, ever so slightly opening that door to allow into our lives another person. This whole past year and quite often this year we talked about what being poly means to us, and we came to some conclusions. We're more ambiamorous than poly; we're perfectly happy in monogamy and don't need anything more than that, but we would also be wonderfully happy having someone else with us. She's my best friend and I hers. We share everything, have no secrets, and are still absolutely, madly in love with each other. We also like each other, so that's a plus, too XD I guess what we're looking for is a unicorn; that rare lady person with whom we can be best friends, who we can share everything with, who we can be in love and like with, and who can return or is willing to return all that to us, too. Not just sex; something deeper. Something more profound, more intimate. Another kindred soul. Equal partners. It all sounds... daunting. But we grew up with so much uncertainty in our home lives, we both don't feel we can be casual about this, or have one of us two dating someone else and leaving the other out. No third wheels. That's only fair. If this woman shows up in our lives, then awesome! If not, well, we'll be alright :) We're not rushed or worried. We're just in love <3

We took a cruise in January! Never been on on. I'm not a fan of cruise ships and the waste they produce, but we went as a family, and were able to see so many beautiful places and meet so many beautiful people. I fell in love with Puerto Rico, had a blast chatting with folks in San Martaan, joked with shop owners in St Thomas and learned some more about Hinduism and Ganesha, and became buddies with a guy in the Dominican Republic who goes by the name, "Sexy Jonas." I talked and got to know folks from Kenya, Zambia, South Africa, the Philippines, Indonesia. I got to practice my Japanese and learned phrases in Arabic. And best of all, I got to meet a couple of guys I met here on FA, and was able to spend time and hang out with them. We were part of a group of fifteen family members and friends, and we did activities, ate together, gamed together, and flirted incessantly XD I absolutely loved seeing them, and I so, so wish I lived closer to the continental US so we could visit again and again. As well as see a bunch of ya at cons; I may be an agoraphobic extroverted introvert, but hey, seeing some of you would just feed my soul ^^

I love ya guys, gals, and NB pals! There will always be sun after the rain. There will always be light after the dark. And there will always be lights shining in even the darkest of nights. Keep hope alive, my friends. Hold onto one another, lift each other up, send out those warm fuzzies and big, beautiful brain hugs. You are fantastic, you are amazing, and you have value beyond calculation. Hydrate, rest, and remember to have fun whenever, wherever you can. There are always reasons to smile :)

Much love!