I'm sick and tired of this 'fandom.'
I'm tired of being hurt, by others and by myself.
I'm tired of chasing people who are bad for me.
I'm tired of being addicted to pornography, and warping my view on sex and relationships.
I'm tired of weak people, myself included, and of acting in weak ways.
I'm tired of drugs. I hate using them.

But everyone around me in this 'fandom' participates in these, myself included. Without question. Hurting themselves and others. Some knowingly choosing to, like myself. For years. For years I've wanted to get away, but the desire and lust for pornography and sex pulled, and still pulls, me back every time. It's self destructive.

I've spent the past four months making a conscious effort to improve myself. To build self confidence. To develop useful skills in myself. To try and make meaningful relationships.

Outside of this 'fandom', I've been successful. I go to the gym often, and am now in relatively good shape. I've worked on my career with decent success. I've finally found real friends who would have my back when I need it.

Inside this 'fandom' is another story.

It's been the complete opposite. Porn is what always brings me back. Every time. Everyone secretly knows this about the 'fandom'. My self confidence disappears. My weak and destructive thoughts return. I allow people to hurt me in ways I shouldn't put up with, in the hopes of a relationship. Despite all of this being predicated on getting my rocks off. And none of these people would have my back, if anything remotely difficult came up. And it finally clicked when I realized, I wouldn't for them, either.

I feel a split inside of myself, only deepening as I work on my life away from this 'fandom'.

I feel the call to be better. To improve myself, and work to be good. And now I see that every interaction I have within this 'fandom' does the opposite. To worsen myself. To lust. To envy. To abuse drugs. To lower my own standards. To waste my life.

More and more often, my interactions with other people in this 'fandom' has only worsened. Using others only for sex. Drug abuse. Failed relationships. Hatred of people outside their belief systems. Are these types of people respectable? Accomplished? Do they strive to be better people, to encourage me to do the same? I see where that path leads now, and I no longer want to follow them. You become who you associate with, after all.

On a relationship level, this 'fandom' is in the worst state I've ever seen it. Every person you meet is sleeping with other people. The ones who are 'taken' are also simultaneously in a relationship and betraying their significant other, by yet again sleeping with other people. It has damaged my perspective and expectations in relationships so significantly that I hope I can recover. None of them truly care about you.

This entire realization can be put simply. These people do not have my best interest at heart.

And even further, most have their own, ulterior interests. To use me- for my emotions or for sex. To pull me down to their level with drug or porn use. To emotionally or sexually cheat within a relationship. Why would anyone who cares about themselves participate in a space like this?

In the end, this is my goodbye to this 'fandom'. Looking back, since finding it 14 years ago, and being an active participant since 2017, what have I accomplished? Let's review.

-I have an almost crippling porn addiction
-Numerous people I choose to associate with encourage this addiction
-I've destroyed my self confidence
-I developed intense jealousy for sexual acts
-I've spent over $10,000 of my own money on useless porn art
-I now have serious trust issues on a relationship level
-Out of all who I've met- a single digit amount take bettering themselves seriously
-None push me to do or be better, and it's in many of their interests to do the opposite
-Almost none can handle a serious, tough conversation. Most walk away.

Who in their right mind would look at this and conclude it's a good 'fandom' to be in? I no longer see any reason to continue participating in it. It's not good for me, and it's not good for anyone.

I'm sure I'll have my moments of relapse and struggle. Like with any addiction. But my time here is done.

Before any of you decide to try and contact me, because I know a few who will. Think to yourself first. Do you truly care about someone like me, or is your reason for being here in the first place because you want to get your rocks off? I think we know the answer.

That's the whole reason behind this site, after all. And behind this 'fandom' entirely.