I've been meaning to write this soon, but its apparent that it is still taking a toll on me after almost a year. For a while now, I've been suffering from abandonment from my family, my identity, and my ex. I've come a long way from where I was on February 2nd, 2020. I know what I know is right. I do deserve to live, so why should I let awful, gaslighting people, like my ex, control my life? I'm tired of feeling like I'm insane, knowing that I can't get closure from any of the people I used to trust so much. I tried so much to do what's right. It's awful waking up with anxiety, wondering if anybody is going to abandon me next, or crush my castle of dreams and promises. I don't want my feelings invalidated. I'm sorry for being myself and letting my "poor qualities" mess things up. I've been through so much trying to stay in college and not break down at the fact that my ex had an influence in me moving to college for them. They made me feel horrible to be myself, telling me to quit my dreams, and ultimately, lose my trust for people. Because of these experiences, I am in constant paranoia that I'll never be comfortable with myself. I don't feel safe to be online in constant fear that he or my family will try to hurt me. I'm tired of the abuse and fear they strike me with. I don't owe you anything...You always try to push my feelings away, and make me feel like I'm nothing, Arki... .

I'm currently trying to get admitted to a mental ward in Georgia. My life is challenged by myself with this fear and depression. It's gotten to the point that I won't even go out anymore to protect myself from doing anything irrational. So much for 4 years. Thank you for everyone who has been there for me to this point. You know who you are. I love you all and you bring me relief when I hear from you everyday. You make it worth getting up and helping me find an identity for myself. Only through death can something be created.