Writing Convincing Female Characters: By a Male Author For Male Authors
When the discussion of writing female characters comes up, inevitably a person says says, "Write female characters the same as you'd write any other character. We're all just people." Which is true to a degree, but ignores one huge caveat: if you write a story of all male characters, then switched the genders, it would ring hollow. In fact, many decry the "strong female character" as just a generic male character who's been gender-flipped. While men and women are born the same, we are raised differently, which effects how we think, which effects how we act. So to portray a realistic female character, you need to understand how they think, and that takes understanding what they grew up hearing what society has to say about women.
Before I get into it, it might seem galling that a guy is instructing other men on how to write women. I often am told I write very realistic, believable characters--and honestly, most of those characters are women. Much of that insight has come from psychology and sociology courses I've taken that helped me understand a few fundamental things on where women are coming from, and I that want to pass that on to other male writers.
Keep in mind these are generalizations; not everyone is this way, and not everyone thinks this way all the time. Characters can and should break these molds, but you need to know what readers expect so that you can consciously choose to break them. Also these are based on modern 20th century expectations of Earth's Western countries. Societies elsewhere, in other times and worlds, may be different. If they are, do your research and make those differences clear in your writing.
Communication and Problem solving
Everything about how boys are raised revolves around competition and to be bold and aggressive. An actual conversation between boys I saw "I can throw a ball into the SKY" "I can throw a ball to HEAVEN" "I can throw a ball TO GOD". You solve problems by going at it directly and bluntly. When women act that way, be they at work or running for office, are seen and talked about in negative terms. If a woman approaches a man romantically, the typical response is to feel threatened and uncomfortable.
Girls are raised to be cooperative, to make friends, make peace, and be indirect or passive. An actual conversation between girls: "You like horses? *I* like horses!" They play house, wedding, and other non-competitive games. They emphasize how they feel, and work to relate this to how others feel; women have high empathy for this reason, and take that into consideration when talking to others. An often point of miscommunication; a woman wishes to share her feeling about a thing, but when this is said to a man, he perceives it as a request to help resolve a problem. When women talk, they look each other in the eye--when men talk, unless they're sitting at a table or standing around, they are facing the same direction doing the same activity. (This is often why women might think men aren't listening when they simply aren't looking at the woman talking.) And when there's something needing done, often women use softer tones. "Could you get this done for me?" can really mean "I need this, really soon".
In writing, female characters likely going to be confrontational and direct. Often there's a lot of passive aggressiveness, or at least indirect hedging to get at something. They are going to be more aware of how the other person is going to feel about what they say, and are more focused on sharing feelings than information in conversation, finding common ground and compromise over a winner/loser.
Keep Your Head Down
In school, teachers call on boys more, and girls raise their hands less. Girls are told they aren't good at math (not true). Studies have found that if men and women talk equally, everyone reports the women having talked more, and in the workplace, men often take credit for their female colleagues' ideas, and the women don't call them on it. If a woman acts assertive and confident like a man, she's seen as overbearing and a lot of other negative words; any time women run for a leadership role, you will always hear someone say "Women are bad leaders, they're so emotional" (more on that later). While we say "women can take any job, they're equal", the subtext is "once you get there, shut up and get in the back".
The result? Women are more self-conscious. They apologize more often. are less confident, and underestimate their abilities (while men overestimate their skill).
In writing, this translates to a female character having more doubts about themselves and their ability to effect a situation. In social situations they may end up holding back or not taking action. (This is dangerous for a writer, as character agency is crucial and passive characters lead to weak stories, but that's another issue.)
Appearance
Society judges women more for their appearance. While a guy can get away with rolling out of bed, throw on yesterday's jeans and run to the store without getting a second look, a woman would have to seriously consider not spending time grooming before stepping out. A guy is told his worth is based on his abilities and money, but women are told time and again their worth is tied to their attractiveness--if they're not beautiful and young, they matter less. Don't believe me? Any negative comments about female leaders are often accompanied by insulting their appearance and what they are wearing, or their shrill, unpleasant tone, while men usually don't get that (the appearances of repugnant male politicians notwithstanding). So spending all at time on getting ready and all those clothes isn't vanity, it's to avoid being judged poorly.
In writing, your female character is going to be more conscious of her appearance, what they're wearing, and how other people are going to think about it based on that. Similarly, they'll likely judge other women by how they look--not just how attractive that woman is or how much effort put into looking that way, but how the character compares themselves to the other woman.
Emotion
"Women are more emotional." You've heard this crap before. The truth is that men are told men aren't allowed to show any emotions except anger and lust. You're sad? Suck it up. You're upset? Quit being a baby. You're furious? Kick some ass. This leads to guys not being in touch with their emotions, because if they can't express them, they don't have the language to process them. Men then see women expressing the gamut of emotions and think women can't control themselves, but it's that women are never told to hold those emotions in.
The only emotion women are told to not express is lust, and only show mild forms of attraction. Otherwise they are sluts.
In writing, your character is more aware of her feelings and more willing to express them. Except lust. This is why they're more empathic towards the feelings of others and concerned with their feelings, or how that person may feel about something.
Finally, the most important bit of advice when writing women (or really, anyone who differs from you in a significant way), is to hand your story to a woman and ask her to check if it reads authentically. You bet I did that with this article.
To write any character, you have to get into their head and see how they see the world. This is true for female characters. The world is going to be perceived differently because their life experiences are different. But once you start doing this, it's not difficult. They are people, just like you.
When the discussion of writing female characters comes up, inevitably a person says says, "Write female characters the same as you'd write any other character. We're all just people." Which is true to a degree, but ignores one huge caveat: if you write a story of all male characters, then switched the genders, it would ring hollow. In fact, many decry the "strong female character" as just a generic male character who's been gender-flipped. While men and women are born the same, we are raised differently, which effects how we think, which effects how we act. So to portray a realistic female character, you need to understand how they think, and that takes understanding what they grew up hearing what society has to say about women.
Before I get into it, it might seem galling that a guy is instructing other men on how to write women. I often am told I write very realistic, believable characters--and honestly, most of those characters are women. Much of that insight has come from psychology and sociology courses I've taken that helped me understand a few fundamental things on where women are coming from, and I that want to pass that on to other male writers.
Keep in mind these are generalizations; not everyone is this way, and not everyone thinks this way all the time. Characters can and should break these molds, but you need to know what readers expect so that you can consciously choose to break them. Also these are based on modern 20th century expectations of Earth's Western countries. Societies elsewhere, in other times and worlds, may be different. If they are, do your research and make those differences clear in your writing.
Communication and Problem solving
Everything about how boys are raised revolves around competition and to be bold and aggressive. An actual conversation between boys I saw "I can throw a ball into the SKY" "I can throw a ball to HEAVEN" "I can throw a ball TO GOD". You solve problems by going at it directly and bluntly. When women act that way, be they at work or running for office, are seen and talked about in negative terms. If a woman approaches a man romantically, the typical response is to feel threatened and uncomfortable.
Girls are raised to be cooperative, to make friends, make peace, and be indirect or passive. An actual conversation between girls: "You like horses? *I* like horses!" They play house, wedding, and other non-competitive games. They emphasize how they feel, and work to relate this to how others feel; women have high empathy for this reason, and take that into consideration when talking to others. An often point of miscommunication; a woman wishes to share her feeling about a thing, but when this is said to a man, he perceives it as a request to help resolve a problem. When women talk, they look each other in the eye--when men talk, unless they're sitting at a table or standing around, they are facing the same direction doing the same activity. (This is often why women might think men aren't listening when they simply aren't looking at the woman talking.) And when there's something needing done, often women use softer tones. "Could you get this done for me?" can really mean "I need this, really soon".
In writing, female characters likely going to be confrontational and direct. Often there's a lot of passive aggressiveness, or at least indirect hedging to get at something. They are going to be more aware of how the other person is going to feel about what they say, and are more focused on sharing feelings than information in conversation, finding common ground and compromise over a winner/loser.
Keep Your Head Down
In school, teachers call on boys more, and girls raise their hands less. Girls are told they aren't good at math (not true). Studies have found that if men and women talk equally, everyone reports the women having talked more, and in the workplace, men often take credit for their female colleagues' ideas, and the women don't call them on it. If a woman acts assertive and confident like a man, she's seen as overbearing and a lot of other negative words; any time women run for a leadership role, you will always hear someone say "Women are bad leaders, they're so emotional" (more on that later). While we say "women can take any job, they're equal", the subtext is "once you get there, shut up and get in the back".
The result? Women are more self-conscious. They apologize more often. are less confident, and underestimate their abilities (while men overestimate their skill).
In writing, this translates to a female character having more doubts about themselves and their ability to effect a situation. In social situations they may end up holding back or not taking action. (This is dangerous for a writer, as character agency is crucial and passive characters lead to weak stories, but that's another issue.)
Appearance
Society judges women more for their appearance. While a guy can get away with rolling out of bed, throw on yesterday's jeans and run to the store without getting a second look, a woman would have to seriously consider not spending time grooming before stepping out. A guy is told his worth is based on his abilities and money, but women are told time and again their worth is tied to their attractiveness--if they're not beautiful and young, they matter less. Don't believe me? Any negative comments about female leaders are often accompanied by insulting their appearance and what they are wearing, or their shrill, unpleasant tone, while men usually don't get that (the appearances of repugnant male politicians notwithstanding). So spending all at time on getting ready and all those clothes isn't vanity, it's to avoid being judged poorly.
In writing, your female character is going to be more conscious of her appearance, what they're wearing, and how other people are going to think about it based on that. Similarly, they'll likely judge other women by how they look--not just how attractive that woman is or how much effort put into looking that way, but how the character compares themselves to the other woman.
Emotion
"Women are more emotional." You've heard this crap before. The truth is that men are told men aren't allowed to show any emotions except anger and lust. You're sad? Suck it up. You're upset? Quit being a baby. You're furious? Kick some ass. This leads to guys not being in touch with their emotions, because if they can't express them, they don't have the language to process them. Men then see women expressing the gamut of emotions and think women can't control themselves, but it's that women are never told to hold those emotions in.
The only emotion women are told to not express is lust, and only show mild forms of attraction. Otherwise they are sluts.
In writing, your character is more aware of her feelings and more willing to express them. Except lust. This is why they're more empathic towards the feelings of others and concerned with their feelings, or how that person may feel about something.
Finally, the most important bit of advice when writing women (or really, anyone who differs from you in a significant way), is to hand your story to a woman and ask her to check if it reads authentically. You bet I did that with this article.
To write any character, you have to get into their head and see how they see the world. This is true for female characters. The world is going to be perceived differently because their life experiences are different. But once you start doing this, it's not difficult. They are people, just like you.
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"n writing, female characters likely going to be confrontational "
AREN'T. They AREN"T.
I guess after a year you can't edit a post :P
Of course, the trpouble with indirection is that characters in stories can't be too indirect. Agency and all that.
AREN'T. They AREN"T.
I guess after a year you can't edit a post :P
Of course, the trpouble with indirection is that characters in stories can't be too indirect. Agency and all that.
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