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Poofy Pals of the Mystery Dungeon
Here is a story commission for swinging about a couple of pokepals going on an adventure through a mystery dungeon! What shall await them once inside?
Contains: Diapers and themes of light diaper usage.
Brief Rundown: Pikachu was sent to a new guild do to his becoming too overpopulated. This new guild seems a bit off though and is definitely very different than the one he came from. To make matters worse, he gets assigned a partner who doesn't seem to experience exploring dungeons! Will Pikachu remain in his old mindset or will the dungeon traps adapt him to this poofy guild?
You can read the story through the download link above or either of the links here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ehzhkwjgl.....ngeon.pdf?dl=0
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....FScsi0pFo/edit
Thumbnail art used with permission by kurikia
Contains: Diapers and themes of light diaper usage.
Brief Rundown: Pikachu was sent to a new guild do to his becoming too overpopulated. This new guild seems a bit off though and is definitely very different than the one he came from. To make matters worse, he gets assigned a partner who doesn't seem to experience exploring dungeons! Will Pikachu remain in his old mindset or will the dungeon traps adapt him to this poofy guild?
You can read the story through the download link above or either of the links here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ehzhkwjgl.....ngeon.pdf?dl=0
https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....FScsi0pFo/edit
Thumbnail art used with permission by kurikia
Category Story / Pokemon
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Multiple characters
Size 120 x 83px
Listed in Folders
A great story! I hope they continue to be a successful team!
Love the story! The friendly partnership between Pikachu and Vulpix is adorable x3 Short but sweet
Honestly I would want to know more about this curse that goes with the tiles. Also was there a disarming feature in one of the games?
The curse was actually Daxter's idea! I like it, it adds some mysterious/magical elements while also nicely explaining the guild's predicament. Lots of room to expand on it too, if a sequel happens~
The games didn't have a way to directly disarm traps, but you could sort of do it with IQ skills/team skills/emeras - Trap Avoider (avoids stepping on traps that are visible), Trap Seer (stepping on a trap can make it visible but not activate it), Trap Buster (trap has a chance to be destroyed upon stepping on it), and Trap Proof (traps have no effect on the user). You could also use basic-attack to poke a tile in front of you and check if it was a trap, without activating it.
The games didn't have a way to directly disarm traps, but you could sort of do it with IQ skills/team skills/emeras - Trap Avoider (avoids stepping on traps that are visible), Trap Seer (stepping on a trap can make it visible but not activate it), Trap Buster (trap has a chance to be destroyed upon stepping on it), and Trap Proof (traps have no effect on the user). You could also use basic-attack to poke a tile in front of you and check if it was a trap, without activating it.
Really enjoyed this one! You should write some more stories with these characters. Padded Mystery Dungeon stuff isn't terribly common.
This was a great and adorable story
though I REALLY wish the diapers were addictive >U>
Ooo, addictive? Like, the more they wear, the more diaper-dependent they get? Or is it more of a mental thing, where they're increasingly drawn to the diapers?
Either way, sounds interesting~
Either way, sounds interesting~
oh increasingly drawn to and liking them for sure!
I like hypnosis shhhhhh...
This was nice, and I'd like to see more of these two and the rest of the guild. I've never played the Mystery Dungeon games, so I don't know all of the stories, but I do get the general gist of them. Plus, I feel like drawing these two coming back from a successful adventure with plenty of "loot" for the guild.
Hey there, read this story of yours, and I'd like to give a complete review of it.
I have read my fair share of padded pokemon stories, and most of them I find disappointing and think they don't have much to actually chew on at all. But I have to say, yours is absolutely an exception. It seems to have actual care put into it and some level of depth put into it beyond just surface level "pokemon and they be in diapers, don't question it". For example, you didn't need to have the guild comprised of a group of tents. You could have just made it a generic guildhall like the one seen in Explorers, and many others would have done it. But you didn't, you engaged in legitimate world building and put forth a new idea by having it be tents instead. And the story is much better for it.
Other writers seem to have a "people don't like to think too hard about their fetish fuel" mindset when writing their stories, and it's honestly such a sad mindset to have. So it's a welcome reprieve to see that you didn't fall into that pit trap either, and used the same storytelling techniques that one would use for writing a normal story, but applied to a fetish story.
Now with that being said, the prose and dialogue is all acceptable, but I feel it doesn't go much past that. I'm writing this review days after initially reading it, and while I do remember every story beat, I have a harder time recalling any indivigual line with told them.
Let me give an example. For my own (unpublished) fetish writing, I have the line "Emily wanted a shower. Emily wanted a long, cold shower for hours on end to wash these actions off of her psyche." That is something I found to be quite memorable, enough so that I sent it to my friends. It takes something as simple as a person being disgusted by the bizarre situation around them, and tells it in a fun way that most people haven't heard before, saying a lot without actually saying much. Most people can highlight lines that absolutely loved from their favorite books too, lines that stood out for describing something in such a wonderful way that they hadn't heard before and made them visualize it quite well. Now when it comes to your story, I just think it lacks those kicker lines. So I would personally say that's the area you could use the most work on.
The other problem I saw is a bit more straight forward, where the story was inconsistent on who the POV character is. That made it a bit confusing to read near the end, not going to lie.
Last thing I want to say, is that I actually have a suggestion for a change to the story which I think would enhance it. As it is right now, the Pikachu doesn't have much of a reason to want to disarm the trap himself, considering he would be affected by it but not the vulpix. So I'd suggest to say that he wants to disarm it because he wants to protect the guildmaster's daughter, as he doesn't want to upset his new leader. You can then also put in a line of him suggesting it's a different kind of trap disguised as a pamp trap, as to why it might still be dangerous to her. It would give more of a justification for his actions, and would tie it to a previous scene where it was explained that no one else was wanting to take the guildmaster's daughter out for a mission. I believe this change makes it go from being... overconfidence? (not really sure) to a misguided and foolish chivalry to impress his new guildmaster, and makes the story all more tied together by relating to a previous scene.
That's my 2 cents anyways. Keep up the good work, sorry if I spend more time describing the negatives than the positives. Rest assured your writing is amazing, I'm simply better at dissecting negatives than I am with positives, so I put more time into that.
I have read my fair share of padded pokemon stories, and most of them I find disappointing and think they don't have much to actually chew on at all. But I have to say, yours is absolutely an exception. It seems to have actual care put into it and some level of depth put into it beyond just surface level "pokemon and they be in diapers, don't question it". For example, you didn't need to have the guild comprised of a group of tents. You could have just made it a generic guildhall like the one seen in Explorers, and many others would have done it. But you didn't, you engaged in legitimate world building and put forth a new idea by having it be tents instead. And the story is much better for it.
Other writers seem to have a "people don't like to think too hard about their fetish fuel" mindset when writing their stories, and it's honestly such a sad mindset to have. So it's a welcome reprieve to see that you didn't fall into that pit trap either, and used the same storytelling techniques that one would use for writing a normal story, but applied to a fetish story.
Now with that being said, the prose and dialogue is all acceptable, but I feel it doesn't go much past that. I'm writing this review days after initially reading it, and while I do remember every story beat, I have a harder time recalling any indivigual line with told them.
Let me give an example. For my own (unpublished) fetish writing, I have the line "Emily wanted a shower. Emily wanted a long, cold shower for hours on end to wash these actions off of her psyche." That is something I found to be quite memorable, enough so that I sent it to my friends. It takes something as simple as a person being disgusted by the bizarre situation around them, and tells it in a fun way that most people haven't heard before, saying a lot without actually saying much. Most people can highlight lines that absolutely loved from their favorite books too, lines that stood out for describing something in such a wonderful way that they hadn't heard before and made them visualize it quite well. Now when it comes to your story, I just think it lacks those kicker lines. So I would personally say that's the area you could use the most work on.
The other problem I saw is a bit more straight forward, where the story was inconsistent on who the POV character is. That made it a bit confusing to read near the end, not going to lie.
Last thing I want to say, is that I actually have a suggestion for a change to the story which I think would enhance it. As it is right now, the Pikachu doesn't have much of a reason to want to disarm the trap himself, considering he would be affected by it but not the vulpix. So I'd suggest to say that he wants to disarm it because he wants to protect the guildmaster's daughter, as he doesn't want to upset his new leader. You can then also put in a line of him suggesting it's a different kind of trap disguised as a pamp trap, as to why it might still be dangerous to her. It would give more of a justification for his actions, and would tie it to a previous scene where it was explained that no one else was wanting to take the guildmaster's daughter out for a mission. I believe this change makes it go from being... overconfidence? (not really sure) to a misguided and foolish chivalry to impress his new guildmaster, and makes the story all more tied together by relating to a previous scene.
That's my 2 cents anyways. Keep up the good work, sorry if I spend more time describing the negatives than the positives. Rest assured your writing is amazing, I'm simply better at dissecting negatives than I am with positives, so I put more time into that.
Hey there! Thank you for giving a bit of a review on this! Even though it's a slightly older story, I really appreciate any sort of feedback that I can get!
You're welcome! I'll try to find time to read your newer stories as well.
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