The dead are rising again (from my yard!) and they are, um, excited?
A recent invasion of my yard by the The Horny Dead began just in time for the spooky holiday. It was around mid-September when, from my front porch I perceived an odd sight in my yard-- something poking up from the ground-- something phallic.
Naturally I investigated immediately, and it was then that I discovered that the restless dead were fucking their way back from the realm of the beyond to rejoin the realm of the living! My yard has become the portal through which the departed are returning from the grave! Egad!
Looking closer at this horrifying spectacle, I observed a number of unearthly schlongs penetrating the earth to emerge here and there in a discrete patch of my yard. Zounds!
At first there were a handful, *chortle* but soon there were more each day, and while clearly eager to re-join the living world, I found them to be somewhat shy, emerging only in part (the naughty part) during the day, and then making their complete departure only at night.
After their initial, eager emergence, they would linger for perhaps a day, and then, shockingly, they would depart in such haste that they would often leave their cadaverous members behind as a sad and horrifying calling card.
So in truth, what I have is an unprecedented uprising (heh) of stinkhorn mushrooms in my yard. From the fungus family phallaceae, the common stinkhorn (phallus impudicus), comes *snicker* by its name honestly by having an appearance that can really only be described by comparing it to a dick. The Latin name translates roughly to “shameless penis” and that does seem apt indeed.
Phallus impudicus, has an uncanny set of cock-like characteristics apart from its obvious general morphology. The mature *giggle* fruiting body of the fungus has a pronounced and contrasting shaft that is bone white and so is offset by the rather off-putting brown hue of the “head”.
It gets its stinkhorn moniker from the pungent odor it produces, also perhaps suggestive of a smelly, unwashed dick. It is described as being an awful, rank stench, discernible from a surprising distance.
The next most striking comparison to peen can be drawn from the rather phimotic urethral process-looking structure at the very tip of the head, which would inevitably lead even the most reserved of biologists to concede that, yeah, “...it looks like a dick.”
The head is just spot on cock-shaped as though every aspect of its design was a deliberate plagiarism of the phallic form, but with the added flourish of horrible necrotizing venereal disease. Dick-like it may be, and shameless, it is most assuredly, but the mantle of good health has been wrested from it. As a dick, it looks a fright!
I have seen these referred to as rotting cock mushrooms somewhere, and that perhaps is the most forthright nomenclature bestowed upon them. Stinkhorn seems somewhat short of the mark and lacks the overt title of rotting cock mushrooms I'm sure you'll agree.
Their odor is part of a multi-faceted attractive campaign to bring on hoards of insects to aid in the propagation of the fungus as they greedily devour the somewhat cheesy-looking brown spore mass of the head and carry it away. This spore mass is enmeshed in an almost honeycomb-like lattice that holds the seeping, odoriferous mess in place for the coming feast by vermin. The spores are thusly shat about the landscape by the insects and spread the zombie scourge hither and yon.
While I can attest to the power of their odor to carry far from the source, I do not find the smell of them to be horrible, likened to rotting flesh or dung or other such deeply objectionable stenches. They have a unique and pungent smell that is very distinctive, but difficult to draw a comparison to-- no matter, the bugs come a' runnin' for that sweet perfume and swarm them in a terrible writhing orgy that makes you want to reach for your flame thrower. You do own a flame thrower don't you?
So these boys suddenly appear overnight, or even midday, and last perhaps one day before the insect hoards render them down to a skeletal framework of sadness that simply falls over and lays there like some discarded and forgotten party favor.
I would get a few popping up a day-- usually three or four, but one day I was greeted with NINE happy little zombie dicks all spiritedly enjoying the pleasant fall day only to find their sad remains strewn about the next day, depressive and broken.
Before they emerge, these little fellows form as a small egg-like capsule just below the surface. Cut in half, the entire naughty package can be seen within in cross-section, compressed and waiting to poke its way up and out of the ground. I have read that this emergence can be so forceful that it can damage asphalt. I will reserve judgment on that claim, but will be careful where I sit on my lawn just in case.
These guys continue to pop up even now, though in fewer numbers as it gets colder. I have yet to spot an entire zombie clawing its way to the surface, but hey, Halloween is only a day away!
A recent invasion of my yard by the The Horny Dead began just in time for the spooky holiday. It was around mid-September when, from my front porch I perceived an odd sight in my yard-- something poking up from the ground-- something phallic.
Naturally I investigated immediately, and it was then that I discovered that the restless dead were fucking their way back from the realm of the beyond to rejoin the realm of the living! My yard has become the portal through which the departed are returning from the grave! Egad!
Looking closer at this horrifying spectacle, I observed a number of unearthly schlongs penetrating the earth to emerge here and there in a discrete patch of my yard. Zounds!
At first there were a handful, *chortle* but soon there were more each day, and while clearly eager to re-join the living world, I found them to be somewhat shy, emerging only in part (the naughty part) during the day, and then making their complete departure only at night.
After their initial, eager emergence, they would linger for perhaps a day, and then, shockingly, they would depart in such haste that they would often leave their cadaverous members behind as a sad and horrifying calling card.
So in truth, what I have is an unprecedented uprising (heh) of stinkhorn mushrooms in my yard. From the fungus family phallaceae, the common stinkhorn (phallus impudicus), comes *snicker* by its name honestly by having an appearance that can really only be described by comparing it to a dick. The Latin name translates roughly to “shameless penis” and that does seem apt indeed.
Phallus impudicus, has an uncanny set of cock-like characteristics apart from its obvious general morphology. The mature *giggle* fruiting body of the fungus has a pronounced and contrasting shaft that is bone white and so is offset by the rather off-putting brown hue of the “head”.
It gets its stinkhorn moniker from the pungent odor it produces, also perhaps suggestive of a smelly, unwashed dick. It is described as being an awful, rank stench, discernible from a surprising distance.
The next most striking comparison to peen can be drawn from the rather phimotic urethral process-looking structure at the very tip of the head, which would inevitably lead even the most reserved of biologists to concede that, yeah, “...it looks like a dick.”
The head is just spot on cock-shaped as though every aspect of its design was a deliberate plagiarism of the phallic form, but with the added flourish of horrible necrotizing venereal disease. Dick-like it may be, and shameless, it is most assuredly, but the mantle of good health has been wrested from it. As a dick, it looks a fright!
I have seen these referred to as rotting cock mushrooms somewhere, and that perhaps is the most forthright nomenclature bestowed upon them. Stinkhorn seems somewhat short of the mark and lacks the overt title of rotting cock mushrooms I'm sure you'll agree.
Their odor is part of a multi-faceted attractive campaign to bring on hoards of insects to aid in the propagation of the fungus as they greedily devour the somewhat cheesy-looking brown spore mass of the head and carry it away. This spore mass is enmeshed in an almost honeycomb-like lattice that holds the seeping, odoriferous mess in place for the coming feast by vermin. The spores are thusly shat about the landscape by the insects and spread the zombie scourge hither and yon.
While I can attest to the power of their odor to carry far from the source, I do not find the smell of them to be horrible, likened to rotting flesh or dung or other such deeply objectionable stenches. They have a unique and pungent smell that is very distinctive, but difficult to draw a comparison to-- no matter, the bugs come a' runnin' for that sweet perfume and swarm them in a terrible writhing orgy that makes you want to reach for your flame thrower. You do own a flame thrower don't you?
So these boys suddenly appear overnight, or even midday, and last perhaps one day before the insect hoards render them down to a skeletal framework of sadness that simply falls over and lays there like some discarded and forgotten party favor.
I would get a few popping up a day-- usually three or four, but one day I was greeted with NINE happy little zombie dicks all spiritedly enjoying the pleasant fall day only to find their sad remains strewn about the next day, depressive and broken.
Before they emerge, these little fellows form as a small egg-like capsule just below the surface. Cut in half, the entire naughty package can be seen within in cross-section, compressed and waiting to poke its way up and out of the ground. I have read that this emergence can be so forceful that it can damage asphalt. I will reserve judgment on that claim, but will be careful where I sit on my lawn just in case.
These guys continue to pop up even now, though in fewer numbers as it gets colder. I have yet to spot an entire zombie clawing its way to the surface, but hey, Halloween is only a day away!
Category Photography / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Other / Not Specified
Size 1100 x 7404px
Comments