Well, it's that time of year again.
I grew up in a fiercely religious and extremist fundamentalist home. I spent tens of hours a week at my local small church, learning faith healing, speaking in tongues, playing on the worship team, being a youth group leader. Looking back, the way they commanded my time and mindset was more akin to a cult. I also went to the religious private school my mother taught at, so I could go there for free. From my birth up until very recently I was surrounded by extremist religion in the center of the Bible Belt. Needless to say, sexual identities other than straight were demonized heavily.
I've always had a rather interesting relationship with pride. The very first time I remember seeing people celebrate their sexuality was in 2015 when gay marriage was legalized, back when I was 14. By that time, I had figured out I was attracted to men. However, I was doing my absolute best to repress that. It's funny how deep the dissonance ran. In the daytime, I believed myself to be straight, even told myself I had crushes on girls at school. While at the same time, I would fall asleep every night crying into my pillow, BEGGING God to turn me straight. So when I saw gay people openly celebrating their right to be gay, their victory, I did not have the reaction I wish I had. I was angry. I was trying so hard to fight my guilt, to keep my sexuality at bay, to do everything in my power to distract me from the fact I was indeed a homosexual. So when I saw people openly celebrating their authentic selves, it made me furious. The rest of my family, of course, was OUTRAGED about the gay marriage ruling, but I don't think any of them knew that I may have been even more upset about it than them. I still get really sad thinking about it. I was aware of my sexuality when that right was won, yet I was stolen the opportunity to celebrate it when it happened. Sometimes I wish I could go back and see what it felt like to win that victory.
Over time, my internalized homophobia started to cool. I stopped denying that I was gay to myself. I still thought it was a sin, but progress is progress. Every year, pride rolled around and stirred up that anger in me again. I was working so hard to fix myself, why were they flaunting themselves, as if they have nothing to be ashamed for? To be gay, I thought, meant you were burdened with a life of eternal shame. I was depressed, yet could not let anyone see it. No one could know why I was in such pain all the time.
In my junior year of high school, a boy who had previously graduated from my school came back to visit the band, in which he was a leader. I saw him with a pride pin on his backpack, so when I got the opportunity, I silently gestured for him to talk in private. After confirming he was in fact gay, I came out to him, for the first time, I came out to someone. I knew he was going out of town, so I was safe telling him. Even though we never really kept much contact after that, it was a massive relief getting it off my chest. Within the next few weeks, I told my now best friend.
I still considered my sexuality to be a sin at the time, but this view was slowly evolving. Over the next year, the idea that gayness was inherently wrong was slowly dying. Seeds of self hatred planted in my brain were slowly and painfully being uprooted. Not to say that my Junior year of high school was all positive in regards to my sexuality. I confided in my youth pastors, who outed me to my youth group. Kids in the youth group threatened to tell my mother, so I got out ahead and did that first. I was forced to out myself to my mom. I had exorcisms performed on me by the church elders, I was called a pedophile. I was even told that if my sexuality didn't change, it would be my duty to god to become celibate. Love is something I value a lot, there's nothing in life I want more than a loving husband. But I believed I would have to give this up for the Lord. It was the lowest point in my entire life. I came closer to death than I like to think about.
However, I decided that if I really was going to become celibate, I would look into the questions I always had about my faith. I really thought it was going to be quick, that my questions would be answered and I would go back to my normal life as a Christian. I don't want this post to get too long, so I'll spare the details about my deconversion from Christianity. But, in the next 3-6 months, I slowly yet surely realized these questions were not getting answered, and that I was getting more and more of them. Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact I was not a Christian anymore.
Suddenly, the moral weight burdened on my shoulders was gone. There was no reason for me to be ashamed of being gay. It was a feeling I cannot describe, freedom unlike anything else. However, almost no one knew about my gayness, and NO ONE knew I was no longer a Christian. Christianity was EVERYTHING to my family, I'd grown up believing it was what made me special, how much I devoted myself to God. The burden of the closet was growing. Not only was I hiding my sexuality, I was hiding my faith. If I outed myself as gay or atheist, I would be expelled from school.
So my senior year was simultaneously free and burdensome. By this time my political views had also shifted, so now I was hiding EVERYTHING from EVERYONE. I had to, all day every day, at every waking moment, pretend to be the straight, right wing extremist (Qanon tier), Christian man my whole family thought I was. My mom knew I was gay, but she thought I was still trying to cure myself. I had to get away. So I announced I was moving to my dad's for college (since he's closer). He only lives 15 minutes away from my mom, 3 sisters, 3 brother in laws, and 10 nieces and nephews (they all live together/very close). However, this was devastating news to everyone. They guilt tripped me and made me feel like shit for months, but I knew it was necessary for my survival. The burden of the masks was too much.
My dad is semi-gay affirming. He thinks it's cool I'm gay but he is the type that is always like "ugh don't make it your personality" anytime I express any interest in pride or talking about my sexuality at all. But it's way better than what I had before. So since late 2020 I've been living with him, and it's freed me SO MUCH. I've stopped hiding my atheism and my left wing views. However, I'm still scared to pretend I'm not straight. I know my family's views. I might not be let around my nieces and nephews, they'll probably stop asking me to babysit or hang out around the kids. I love them so much, and I can't risk that.
So here I am, almost 3 full years since I stopped seeing my sexuality as a sin. 2020 was my first pride I ever had where I didn't hate myself, but I was still dealing with the fallout from my family. 2021 was really the year I thought I would go full out, but I was too scared to do it. Now I'm sitting here in 2022, still unsure what I'm doing. At this point I only plan for my family to know when they need to, when I have a serious boyfriend. We'll see what happens then. But in the meantime, I am still hiding myself. My closest friends know, and if people ask me in college, I'll say I am. But I don't announce myself, I don't have any pride gear, I steer topics away from sexuality whenever I can. I'm pretty straight passing so everyone assumes I'm straight anyways. I'm stuck with my foot in the closet. However, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I may not have anyone irl to celebrate my sexuality with, but I am SO happy to have this online community. I found the fandom back in early 2020, and I literally don't think I could have handled things without you guys. For those of you who counseled me through some of the worst things I haven't even detailed in this post, thank you so much.
I know this post was long, but I felt compelled to share my story. Most people are going to post very happy and celebratory pieces, and I'm so happy for that. I thought it was important for me to show off what I consider to be a really good representation of my experiences the last couple years. I think this otter has been waving his rainbow flag for a very long time, and only recently am I starting to open the doors.
I sometimes see people wonder whether pride is necessary in modern America. It's very clear to me, the answer is yes. Even if we didn't have this current resurgence of anti-LGBTQ legislation and sentiment, I'd still say yes. There are still thousands and millions of kids and young adults like me who are stuck in the closet, or wallowing in their own shame who NEED to see people celebrating themselves. They need to see there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that it's possible to survive and not drown in the shame. I know the idea of going to pride events in the current political climate can be a little scary, but we can't let them scare us into hiding again. We must stay strong, loud and proud, for those who can't.
I hope one day I can join you all in the chorus of celebration. But for now, I'll be celebrating quietly from my little closet, biding my time until it's safe for me. I love you all, and have a very happy pride, no matter your race, religion, gender identity, or sexuality <3
Thank you so much for reading. I know it was long, but believe me, I left out a LOT. My story is pretty fucking coconuts if you go into details. Maybe I should write a book...
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I grew up in a fiercely religious and extremist fundamentalist home. I spent tens of hours a week at my local small church, learning faith healing, speaking in tongues, playing on the worship team, being a youth group leader. Looking back, the way they commanded my time and mindset was more akin to a cult. I also went to the religious private school my mother taught at, so I could go there for free. From my birth up until very recently I was surrounded by extremist religion in the center of the Bible Belt. Needless to say, sexual identities other than straight were demonized heavily.
I've always had a rather interesting relationship with pride. The very first time I remember seeing people celebrate their sexuality was in 2015 when gay marriage was legalized, back when I was 14. By that time, I had figured out I was attracted to men. However, I was doing my absolute best to repress that. It's funny how deep the dissonance ran. In the daytime, I believed myself to be straight, even told myself I had crushes on girls at school. While at the same time, I would fall asleep every night crying into my pillow, BEGGING God to turn me straight. So when I saw gay people openly celebrating their right to be gay, their victory, I did not have the reaction I wish I had. I was angry. I was trying so hard to fight my guilt, to keep my sexuality at bay, to do everything in my power to distract me from the fact I was indeed a homosexual. So when I saw people openly celebrating their authentic selves, it made me furious. The rest of my family, of course, was OUTRAGED about the gay marriage ruling, but I don't think any of them knew that I may have been even more upset about it than them. I still get really sad thinking about it. I was aware of my sexuality when that right was won, yet I was stolen the opportunity to celebrate it when it happened. Sometimes I wish I could go back and see what it felt like to win that victory.
Over time, my internalized homophobia started to cool. I stopped denying that I was gay to myself. I still thought it was a sin, but progress is progress. Every year, pride rolled around and stirred up that anger in me again. I was working so hard to fix myself, why were they flaunting themselves, as if they have nothing to be ashamed for? To be gay, I thought, meant you were burdened with a life of eternal shame. I was depressed, yet could not let anyone see it. No one could know why I was in such pain all the time.
In my junior year of high school, a boy who had previously graduated from my school came back to visit the band, in which he was a leader. I saw him with a pride pin on his backpack, so when I got the opportunity, I silently gestured for him to talk in private. After confirming he was in fact gay, I came out to him, for the first time, I came out to someone. I knew he was going out of town, so I was safe telling him. Even though we never really kept much contact after that, it was a massive relief getting it off my chest. Within the next few weeks, I told my now best friend.
I still considered my sexuality to be a sin at the time, but this view was slowly evolving. Over the next year, the idea that gayness was inherently wrong was slowly dying. Seeds of self hatred planted in my brain were slowly and painfully being uprooted. Not to say that my Junior year of high school was all positive in regards to my sexuality. I confided in my youth pastors, who outed me to my youth group. Kids in the youth group threatened to tell my mother, so I got out ahead and did that first. I was forced to out myself to my mom. I had exorcisms performed on me by the church elders, I was called a pedophile. I was even told that if my sexuality didn't change, it would be my duty to god to become celibate. Love is something I value a lot, there's nothing in life I want more than a loving husband. But I believed I would have to give this up for the Lord. It was the lowest point in my entire life. I came closer to death than I like to think about.
However, I decided that if I really was going to become celibate, I would look into the questions I always had about my faith. I really thought it was going to be quick, that my questions would be answered and I would go back to my normal life as a Christian. I don't want this post to get too long, so I'll spare the details about my deconversion from Christianity. But, in the next 3-6 months, I slowly yet surely realized these questions were not getting answered, and that I was getting more and more of them. Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact I was not a Christian anymore.
Suddenly, the moral weight burdened on my shoulders was gone. There was no reason for me to be ashamed of being gay. It was a feeling I cannot describe, freedom unlike anything else. However, almost no one knew about my gayness, and NO ONE knew I was no longer a Christian. Christianity was EVERYTHING to my family, I'd grown up believing it was what made me special, how much I devoted myself to God. The burden of the closet was growing. Not only was I hiding my sexuality, I was hiding my faith. If I outed myself as gay or atheist, I would be expelled from school.
So my senior year was simultaneously free and burdensome. By this time my political views had also shifted, so now I was hiding EVERYTHING from EVERYONE. I had to, all day every day, at every waking moment, pretend to be the straight, right wing extremist (Qanon tier), Christian man my whole family thought I was. My mom knew I was gay, but she thought I was still trying to cure myself. I had to get away. So I announced I was moving to my dad's for college (since he's closer). He only lives 15 minutes away from my mom, 3 sisters, 3 brother in laws, and 10 nieces and nephews (they all live together/very close). However, this was devastating news to everyone. They guilt tripped me and made me feel like shit for months, but I knew it was necessary for my survival. The burden of the masks was too much.
My dad is semi-gay affirming. He thinks it's cool I'm gay but he is the type that is always like "ugh don't make it your personality" anytime I express any interest in pride or talking about my sexuality at all. But it's way better than what I had before. So since late 2020 I've been living with him, and it's freed me SO MUCH. I've stopped hiding my atheism and my left wing views. However, I'm still scared to pretend I'm not straight. I know my family's views. I might not be let around my nieces and nephews, they'll probably stop asking me to babysit or hang out around the kids. I love them so much, and I can't risk that.
So here I am, almost 3 full years since I stopped seeing my sexuality as a sin. 2020 was my first pride I ever had where I didn't hate myself, but I was still dealing with the fallout from my family. 2021 was really the year I thought I would go full out, but I was too scared to do it. Now I'm sitting here in 2022, still unsure what I'm doing. At this point I only plan for my family to know when they need to, when I have a serious boyfriend. We'll see what happens then. But in the meantime, I am still hiding myself. My closest friends know, and if people ask me in college, I'll say I am. But I don't announce myself, I don't have any pride gear, I steer topics away from sexuality whenever I can. I'm pretty straight passing so everyone assumes I'm straight anyways. I'm stuck with my foot in the closet. However, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I may not have anyone irl to celebrate my sexuality with, but I am SO happy to have this online community. I found the fandom back in early 2020, and I literally don't think I could have handled things without you guys. For those of you who counseled me through some of the worst things I haven't even detailed in this post, thank you so much.
I know this post was long, but I felt compelled to share my story. Most people are going to post very happy and celebratory pieces, and I'm so happy for that. I thought it was important for me to show off what I consider to be a really good representation of my experiences the last couple years. I think this otter has been waving his rainbow flag for a very long time, and only recently am I starting to open the doors.
I sometimes see people wonder whether pride is necessary in modern America. It's very clear to me, the answer is yes. Even if we didn't have this current resurgence of anti-LGBTQ legislation and sentiment, I'd still say yes. There are still thousands and millions of kids and young adults like me who are stuck in the closet, or wallowing in their own shame who NEED to see people celebrating themselves. They need to see there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that it's possible to survive and not drown in the shame. I know the idea of going to pride events in the current political climate can be a little scary, but we can't let them scare us into hiding again. We must stay strong, loud and proud, for those who can't.
I hope one day I can join you all in the chorus of celebration. But for now, I'll be celebrating quietly from my little closet, biding my time until it's safe for me. I love you all, and have a very happy pride, no matter your race, religion, gender identity, or sexuality <3
Thank you so much for reading. I know it was long, but believe me, I left out a LOT. My story is pretty fucking coconuts if you go into details. Maybe I should write a book...
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Category Artwork (Digital) / All
Species Otter
Gender Male
Size 1280 x 1204px
It's been a long, bitter fight, and it's still a long way from over; but we'll get there. Together. At it's heart, that's what the community is all about, LGBTQ and Furry. The otter will march in the sun when he's ready to, but until then the community is here. And all of us who can will go right on being as loud, proud, and highly visible as possible, not to "just make it our whole personality", but so all the young people out there growing up with in that same terrible isolation, confusion, and self-loathing can see that it doesn't have to be that way... And it won't be forever; we won't let it! π«β€π§‘πππππΎ
I want to profusely thank you for entrusting us with this information and showing us the journey you have taken. You seem to have reflected on your life extensively in time for making this post. I hope you have a good time celebrating in the closet among your friends. I'm personally a bit curious about your deconversion experience, curious if yours was similar to mine hehe.
For sure! If you wanna DM me we can chat about that. Always interesting to talk with fellow apostates.
Iβm pretty sure Iβm still mildly Christian, but Iβm Bi as sunshine I think. Itβs still to be determined by me and I want to eventually know when Iβll be ready for that next special someone in my life. Iβm glad there are people like you who found their sexuality and came to terms with it like you. I hope one day I can too and openly express it
Huh. Thatβs weird. I checked if you replied earlier yesterday and it didnβt show. Weird.
Thank you so much for sharing with all of us about your experience! Keep waving that flag of yours and Happy Pride to you as well! π
*offers big hugs*
I'm so sorry you have to go through that :(
I'm so sorry you have to go through that :(
Itβs okay~ Iβll be a stronger person at the end of all this ^^
I feel a lot of emotion reading this. Too much to put in a simple FA comment. So Iβll just say thank you for sharing your story with us. Iβm happy to be a part of your circle
Thank YOU Harry. I thought it would be important to share just in case my story can help someone out there. But I couldnβt have done this without incredible people like yourself
happy pride month! youβre so strong for having gone through all this and still turned out to be as good and kind as you are!
Thank you so much~ I guess sometimes adversity creates some strength.
Sorry, you had to go through all that dude.
But you are strong, and all I ask is for you to stay strong.
But you are strong, and all I ask is for you to stay strong.
Oh whoops I wrote a ? instead of a ! My bad! Theyβre next to each other on the phone
My father is a man of his word and he say a few year ago that if he find out that one of his son's is gay he will trow him out of the house and cut contact with him, so i supose in some senario coming out is not really a good option unless you want to risk to lose were you grown up and with whom. im bi btw and even if im no more in the family house risking to lose contact with my family sem irational, dumb and worthless (because i dont have any friends) so the closet is okay for me, i just accept to live with how i am myselve before anything else and i feel good today
This was a powerful read - I stumbled across this basically randomly while browsing FA (a good old bit of "random internet walk" there, haha). A lot of it felt familiar, at least in some general themes if not specific details. I also grew up in a conservative-Christian family, got sent to Christian schools and also took me a long time for the penny to drop on "Oh, actually, it's me" on the whole "being gay" thing. I also had the experience of bits and pieces of the fundie programming taking a long time to crumble, and the whole process wasn't entirely linear either. So, thanks for sharing, it was a thought-provoking read.
Iβm really glad that this induced this sort of reaction. I hoped my story would resonate and Iβm happy it did.
As someone who is Christian, I still remain absolutely aghast at families who act like this to their own children.
I never had any of my own horror stories, despite growing up in the Bible Belt. Perhaps the years of living in Austin, THE most liberal place in Texas, may have contributed (as well as having a very liberal mother).
I'm still questioning and figuring myself out, tbh. But from the start, I was in a loving Christian family that didn't care what sexuality I was, I would always be their son. I found reconciliation between my faith and questioning sexuality, and I just wish more "Christian" families weren't so hateful like this. Totally hypocritical to the actual teachings of the Bible.
I never had any of my own horror stories, despite growing up in the Bible Belt. Perhaps the years of living in Austin, THE most liberal place in Texas, may have contributed (as well as having a very liberal mother).
I'm still questioning and figuring myself out, tbh. But from the start, I was in a loving Christian family that didn't care what sexuality I was, I would always be their son. I found reconciliation between my faith and questioning sexuality, and I just wish more "Christian" families weren't so hateful like this. Totally hypocritical to the actual teachings of the Bible.
You'd be a frickin' inspiration if you did write a book. No lie, you're so brave.πΏππ₯ΉπΉ
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