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Letters to Cripto: #44
Dear Cripto:
Though I have written to your boss (SuperCat) and to the Galactic Emperor (Leo the Patriotic Lion) about this, it's only fair I tell you about this, because I have discovered the source of your fan mail problem, which, for whatever reason, caught worldwide attention. It's my own brother! It's so sad when a family member goes rogue. But it has to do with the issues you're having regarding the fan mail asking you all about your late grandmother, Chloe Clements, and what potentially made her replace Madalyn Murray O'Hair as the most hated woman in America. But was she really? I doubt it. (Likewise, President Zanicchi has people asking him all about the bellowing.) Thankfully, there are cases where your boss allows you to write response letters to these people. One letter writer, however, was my brother, and he wants answers, possibly so he can twist it all out of proportion.
I've always said that even celebrities should have rights to privacy; there's no excuse for the press to act as if it is their responsibility to tell us everything that they are doing. I don't care about what the Kardashian family is doing; that's on them. But my brother did once work for the National Enquirer, a magazine notorious for telling the stories that it did. It was also notorious for paying sources for tips, which was a common practice in tabloid journalism that resulted in conflict of interests. It has also been embroiled in several controversies related to its catch and kill practices and allegations of blackmail. It has struggled in the past with declining circulation figures because of competition from other glossy tabloid publications.
Yet this was how my brother was paying the bills and taxes, working for this magazine. Then the public elects Leo into office, and hey, presto; they all suddenly go out of business. (The National Enquirer was pending bankruptcy anyways.) He's held a grudge on those ever since because his choice (Donald Trump) did not win, and he was a pro at digging up dirt on that guy. He can't find anything against Leo or against you, even if he's found a ton of dirt on your grandma. (I don't know why Trump bothers; he knows he's not going to beat Leo in 2024.)
As a result, he came up with the idea of starting his own tabloid magazine, but in this day and age, nobody wants to work for such a thing. I don't think it helps that CNG killed many of those tabloid workers. My point, though, is that, at the risk of my brother killing me, I am exposing him as the original mastermind behind the idea of digging up dirt on you and your fellow G-52s, and as a result, it caught fire. Your boss (Super C) just happened to foil the plans (even if he didn't notice it) because many of those letters are not getting a response.
I just hope this letter gets to you; if my brother sees it, he and his cronies are going to tear it to shreds and then tear me to shreds (or so I fear). But please realize how big an influence you were on this country, even without CNG. Your wealth and generosity has made possible for this world to experience a "Baby Boom 2.0," so to speak, where the average family has 8 to 12 kids (within wedlock, of course). Not forgetting the fact that if the head of the household can work from home, then there is true quality time to be experienced.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
Kevin Matthers, age 38 (human being)
New York City, New York, USA
P.S. My brother is four years older than me. Plus, if I have to flee for my life, I'm moving to Wildcat City. I know it was historically seen as the most boring, yet sanest, of all metropolitan cities in the nation, but I congratulate them on finally getting a true major league sports team in the form of their soccer team for MLS. Meanwhile, the President asked me to meet him in the nation's capital to further discuss this, and I'm hoping you and the other G-52s are there as well.
Cripto's reply:
Dear Kevin:
Do not panic; I'm not going to let anybody murder you. I give you and the family my sympathy, because it saddens me to see that your own brother is trying to kill you. It doesn't surprise me to discover that he is doing this to all of us; what I am curious to find out is how he managed to brainwash everybody into doing this. He couldn't possibly have done it with CNG, because that has ceased to exist. I think we will let the C.I.D.F. figure that one out. They're experts when it comes to the supernatural. (There are supernatural forces out there picking up where CNG left off, but their strength isn't anywhere near the strength of CNG.)
I applaud you for being willing to take that risk; not everybody from the general public would do that. I don't understand why people bothered to read those things; everybody knows it's full of nothing but lies. I don't remember my grandma ever being in any of those magazines, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. She was mentioned in a lot of late-night talk show monologues, from David Letterman to Jay Leno, and from Conan O'Brien to the two Jimmys: Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. All late-night talk shows have since gone off the air forever (any who are still on will go off once the contract expires), and all the hosts sent apologies to me and the family for featuring Grandma because they soon discovered that I took it personally.
Don't get me wrong. Grandma had her flaws, but there were more good than bad things about her, and all her intentions were good. She thankfully was a believer in Jesus (just as I am). She just went overboard it because that was all she talked about, and the one big sin she wouldn't stop was being self-centered and being xenophobic. (She was a bit homophobic, I do admit, but the xenophobia was worse. It's a good thing she never left the country; she'd have been killed in a heartbeat if she had.) It also didn't help that she didn't adapt to change very well. She was born in 1943 (and died in 2016 if you want to do the math), but in her ideal society, we wouldn't have advanced past the 1920s. That actually means we wouldn't have the automobile. The planet of Kriegland was exactly the society she wanted (whether she it knew it or not, because she didn't believe the planets of the Forsythe system really existed; she thought everybody was just making up everything and playing silly pretend games).
She had (apparently) forgotten the verse that says, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." She was criticizing people who have tattoos, earrings, nose rings and rings in the belly button (those do gross me out, by the way, but I don't judge anybody for that), and people who dye their hair weird colors. I wouldn't be surprised, therefore, if she was in the tabloid headlines, because she once confronted Super C and told him to lose weight. (They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but Super C is in the best shape of his life.) She confronted Leo, believe it or not, because, as she saw it, he failed to purify the country in spite of all the bellowing. (Since then, the authorities have exonerated him from any wrongdoing since CNG was setting him up for this.) The G-52s also have an ally and valuable friend, a female puma by the name of Olivia Jackson, whom Grandma also confronted face-to-face; this is because she dyes her hair dark green to match the camouflage she wears when she goes hunting. (She also served in the U.S. Navy, so we thank her for that.)
Thankfully, Grandma and I were able to make amends (and she made amends with everyone she wronged), so her story has a happy ending. She did make one final mistake, but that was declaring that she didn't want to live to see the results of the 2016 election, because she assumed all politicians were liars and con artists, regardless of party affiliation. (The 28th Amendment did away with all political parties.) All these tabloid people were trying to do, I feel, was make her an even bigger villain by making up lies about her. It's why her name became a meme, just as the name Karen did.
Do note that there are others who ask similar questions, but the boss allows us to answer because these are not the tabloid crowds; these are the people that genuinely want the truth from the real source: us.
The boss has asked the G-52s to gather at the White House for the sake of protecting you from your brother and his cronies, and so I will see you there. Stay strong, stay brave, and be proud of yourself. You are doing the organization and the globe a huge favor by exposing the source of this problem.
Yours truly,
Nathan Knight, a.k.a. CriptoCat (Cripto for short)
Frontman for the rock band Furry Fury
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Letters to Cripto: #44
Dear Cripto:
Though I have written to your boss (SuperCat) and to the Galactic Emperor (Leo the Patriotic Lion) about this, it's only fair I tell you about this, because I have discovered the source of your fan mail problem, which, for whatever reason, caught worldwide attention. It's my own brother! It's so sad when a family member goes rogue. But it has to do with the issues you're having regarding the fan mail asking you all about your late grandmother, Chloe Clements, and what potentially made her replace Madalyn Murray O'Hair as the most hated woman in America. But was she really? I doubt it. (Likewise, President Zanicchi has people asking him all about the bellowing.) Thankfully, there are cases where your boss allows you to write response letters to these people. One letter writer, however, was my brother, and he wants answers, possibly so he can twist it all out of proportion.
I've always said that even celebrities should have rights to privacy; there's no excuse for the press to act as if it is their responsibility to tell us everything that they are doing. I don't care about what the Kardashian family is doing; that's on them. But my brother did once work for the National Enquirer, a magazine notorious for telling the stories that it did. It was also notorious for paying sources for tips, which was a common practice in tabloid journalism that resulted in conflict of interests. It has also been embroiled in several controversies related to its catch and kill practices and allegations of blackmail. It has struggled in the past with declining circulation figures because of competition from other glossy tabloid publications.
Yet this was how my brother was paying the bills and taxes, working for this magazine. Then the public elects Leo into office, and hey, presto; they all suddenly go out of business. (The National Enquirer was pending bankruptcy anyways.) He's held a grudge on those ever since because his choice (Donald Trump) did not win, and he was a pro at digging up dirt on that guy. He can't find anything against Leo or against you, even if he's found a ton of dirt on your grandma. (I don't know why Trump bothers; he knows he's not going to beat Leo in 2024.)
As a result, he came up with the idea of starting his own tabloid magazine, but in this day and age, nobody wants to work for such a thing. I don't think it helps that CNG killed many of those tabloid workers. My point, though, is that, at the risk of my brother killing me, I am exposing him as the original mastermind behind the idea of digging up dirt on you and your fellow G-52s, and as a result, it caught fire. Your boss (Super C) just happened to foil the plans (even if he didn't notice it) because many of those letters are not getting a response.
I just hope this letter gets to you; if my brother sees it, he and his cronies are going to tear it to shreds and then tear me to shreds (or so I fear). But please realize how big an influence you were on this country, even without CNG. Your wealth and generosity has made possible for this world to experience a "Baby Boom 2.0," so to speak, where the average family has 8 to 12 kids (within wedlock, of course). Not forgetting the fact that if the head of the household can work from home, then there is true quality time to be experienced.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
Kevin Matthers, age 38 (human being)
New York City, New York, USA
P.S. My brother is four years older than me. Plus, if I have to flee for my life, I'm moving to Wildcat City. I know it was historically seen as the most boring, yet sanest, of all metropolitan cities in the nation, but I congratulate them on finally getting a true major league sports team in the form of their soccer team for MLS. Meanwhile, the President asked me to meet him in the nation's capital to further discuss this, and I'm hoping you and the other G-52s are there as well.
Cripto's reply:
Dear Kevin:
Do not panic; I'm not going to let anybody murder you. I give you and the family my sympathy, because it saddens me to see that your own brother is trying to kill you. It doesn't surprise me to discover that he is doing this to all of us; what I am curious to find out is how he managed to brainwash everybody into doing this. He couldn't possibly have done it with CNG, because that has ceased to exist. I think we will let the C.I.D.F. figure that one out. They're experts when it comes to the supernatural. (There are supernatural forces out there picking up where CNG left off, but their strength isn't anywhere near the strength of CNG.)
I applaud you for being willing to take that risk; not everybody from the general public would do that. I don't understand why people bothered to read those things; everybody knows it's full of nothing but lies. I don't remember my grandma ever being in any of those magazines, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. She was mentioned in a lot of late-night talk show monologues, from David Letterman to Jay Leno, and from Conan O'Brien to the two Jimmys: Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. All late-night talk shows have since gone off the air forever (any who are still on will go off once the contract expires), and all the hosts sent apologies to me and the family for featuring Grandma because they soon discovered that I took it personally.
Don't get me wrong. Grandma had her flaws, but there were more good than bad things about her, and all her intentions were good. She thankfully was a believer in Jesus (just as I am). She just went overboard it because that was all she talked about, and the one big sin she wouldn't stop was being self-centered and being xenophobic. (She was a bit homophobic, I do admit, but the xenophobia was worse. It's a good thing she never left the country; she'd have been killed in a heartbeat if she had.) It also didn't help that she didn't adapt to change very well. She was born in 1943 (and died in 2016 if you want to do the math), but in her ideal society, we wouldn't have advanced past the 1920s. That actually means we wouldn't have the automobile. The planet of Kriegland was exactly the society she wanted (whether she it knew it or not, because she didn't believe the planets of the Forsythe system really existed; she thought everybody was just making up everything and playing silly pretend games).
She had (apparently) forgotten the verse that says, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." She was criticizing people who have tattoos, earrings, nose rings and rings in the belly button (those do gross me out, by the way, but I don't judge anybody for that), and people who dye their hair weird colors. I wouldn't be surprised, therefore, if she was in the tabloid headlines, because she once confronted Super C and told him to lose weight. (They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but Super C is in the best shape of his life.) She confronted Leo, believe it or not, because, as she saw it, he failed to purify the country in spite of all the bellowing. (Since then, the authorities have exonerated him from any wrongdoing since CNG was setting him up for this.) The G-52s also have an ally and valuable friend, a female puma by the name of Olivia Jackson, whom Grandma also confronted face-to-face; this is because she dyes her hair dark green to match the camouflage she wears when she goes hunting. (She also served in the U.S. Navy, so we thank her for that.)
Thankfully, Grandma and I were able to make amends (and she made amends with everyone she wronged), so her story has a happy ending. She did make one final mistake, but that was declaring that she didn't want to live to see the results of the 2016 election, because she assumed all politicians were liars and con artists, regardless of party affiliation. (The 28th Amendment did away with all political parties.) All these tabloid people were trying to do, I feel, was make her an even bigger villain by making up lies about her. It's why her name became a meme, just as the name Karen did.
Do note that there are others who ask similar questions, but the boss allows us to answer because these are not the tabloid crowds; these are the people that genuinely want the truth from the real source: us.
The boss has asked the G-52s to gather at the White House for the sake of protecting you from your brother and his cronies, and so I will see you there. Stay strong, stay brave, and be proud of yourself. You are doing the organization and the globe a huge favor by exposing the source of this problem.
Yours truly,
Nathan Knight, a.k.a. CriptoCat (Cripto for short)
Frontman for the rock band Furry Fury
Cripto's forty-fourth letter. It is a follow-up to a couple of other letters that Super C and Leo the Patriotic Lion also received from the same man, who chose to expose his brother as the main source of the G-52 fan mail crisis.
Cripto, G-52s, etc. © me and me alone
The National Enquirer © itself
Cripto, G-52s, etc. © me and me alone
The National Enquirer © itself
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 120 x 120px
Listed in Folders
Frank S.: I wouldn't be surprised if people wonder if your grandmother visited my country. My country became independent in 1962 from the United Kingdom. Museveni became our President in 1996 and ruled a very long time before Lyle recently got elected.
Chuong: Then that would mean the tabloid people are going after the American Christians from the current era.
Zax: Yes that. And I love my colorful purple hair with light blue tips that taper to pink.
Jack: Uganda before Museveni suffered under dictatorships and military rule as far as I know. It was seen as a third world country.
Chuong: Then that would mean the tabloid people are going after the American Christians from the current era.
Zax: Yes that. And I love my colorful purple hair with light blue tips that taper to pink.
Jack: Uganda before Museveni suffered under dictatorships and military rule as far as I know. It was seen as a third world country.
Cripto: Grandma never left the United States. But she condemned same-gender marriages. She judged, and she was judged. *to Zax* She also would have criticized your purple hair. I don't see anything wrong with it. My rock band gets fans at our shows all the time who color their hair different colors.
Leo: Do you ever get half and half hair? For instance, the last person I met who colored his hair kept one half of it the natural color (black), but he died the other half aqua blue.
Cripto: I don't recall. I think I've only ever seen people dye all of their hair the same color. They could also be wearing a wig. Who knows?
Leo: Do you ever get half and half hair? For instance, the last person I met who colored his hair kept one half of it the natural color (black), but he died the other half aqua blue.
Cripto: I don't recall. I think I've only ever seen people dye all of their hair the same color. They could also be wearing a wig. Who knows?
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