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Will this help me? I hope so. Even if my hope are only fading embers. Embers that are only fitting to be stomped and extinguished.
I really don't know what to do in your life. Not doing anything seems like a viable option now, but I'd feel like I'm wasting this life. On the other hand... can you waste something that's worthless?
Yes, I called my life worthless. Why? Because anything can't be done by me. Everything that I do or I want to do eventually turns against me. Want to get something done better in the job? The company doesn't have funds for this. They do, but they just don't care. Want to get finally meet your internet friends in real life? They explained that they suddenly got other plans. It may sound like a good reason and sometimes it can be true, but it feels like a pathetic excuse for me? Want to get on doing something simple like cycling? It turned out someone stole a wheel of it. I'd understand the whole bike, but why only a wheel?
Even plans for moving out went sideways, because the people that were supposed to help with getting to a better place stopped responding.
What's the problem with me? Am I too ugly? Not behaving well enough? Or maybe I behave too well? I'm poor, so maybe the problem lies there. I don't know...
Or maybe I'm greedy? Greedy for the respect and relationships that are sincere? I don't want the fake "it will be fine". How it will be fine? When it will be fine? Will it ever be fine? I don't think so.
I know what some people might say... "Keep trying"... I'm trying for my whole fucking life! And where did that lead me? Nowhere! Every time I want to do something good, even if it's not for me, but the other person, the life itself throws more and more obstacles at me. Even if others will still say that I should keep trying to be better... I just don't think it'll be worth it. I'll suddenly got a help from a stranger or maybe from heavens? Wish that story would so well. For now, the perspective is grim. No, my life won't get better. If it doesn't get better from trying to go good things then why it should get better? And maybe I should try get things done instead of trying? Yeah, I wish it was that fucking simple.
Family that are worst people imaginable, no real life friends, people who are just blank cards lacking any semblance of personality, poor conditions... I could go on, but my life... to say it was bad would be an enormous understatement.
Am I cursed? Because I feel like it. That I'm cursed with constant failures where achieving a decent life seems like an impossible challenge. Can't even achieve happiness. I do many different things, want to keep myself entertained, trying to be as best as I can... and yet, I don't feel happy. I don't think I ever felt that feeling. The true feeling, not like a dopamine shot. Where I was content with my life, my things in it and with the state of this world.
I hate my life. Or maybe I should say that I hate this world? Either way, it seems that I can't be happy. It's out of my reach. I have no one. I'm alone. People from the internet? There some decent ones, but I wish they were here, at my place. Maybe I'll actually feel happy. Maybe I'll actually feel useful, respected... loved. And now? I feel that I should cry. It will be useless, but I can say the same about my life.
This makes me think that I should be a machine. No emotions, no suffering, no problems, just cold logic. Being a piece of data that can be quickly deleted and reshaped. Sadly, I'm stuck with my miserable existence.
I think I'll go insane. What else was left for me? Torment. I may sound like I'm entitled for happiness, to it being delivered to my hands. But it's not about this. It's about not getting obstacles in your way every fucking time you want to do something. I can try to get to happiness, but the road should be possible to cross. Because it isn't now. I don't think it'll ever be for me.
That's how I can describe it. The curse. I'm writing this as a way to relieve some stress. But I want hope. Not embers, but a proper flame. I want successes to mean something, since by looking at the way to get to them, they don't seem to be worth pursuing. I don't want to wait another 20 years to get a chance for that.
I want to be happy while still being me. While still being Zavish. This is the dance that will get to the end. Mine or theirs.
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Will this help me? I hope so. Even if my hope are only fading embers. Embers that are only fitting to be stomped and extinguished.
I really don't know what to do in your life. Not doing anything seems like a viable option now, but I'd feel like I'm wasting this life. On the other hand... can you waste something that's worthless?
Yes, I called my life worthless. Why? Because anything can't be done by me. Everything that I do or I want to do eventually turns against me. Want to get something done better in the job? The company doesn't have funds for this. They do, but they just don't care. Want to get finally meet your internet friends in real life? They explained that they suddenly got other plans. It may sound like a good reason and sometimes it can be true, but it feels like a pathetic excuse for me? Want to get on doing something simple like cycling? It turned out someone stole a wheel of it. I'd understand the whole bike, but why only a wheel?
Even plans for moving out went sideways, because the people that were supposed to help with getting to a better place stopped responding.
What's the problem with me? Am I too ugly? Not behaving well enough? Or maybe I behave too well? I'm poor, so maybe the problem lies there. I don't know...
Or maybe I'm greedy? Greedy for the respect and relationships that are sincere? I don't want the fake "it will be fine". How it will be fine? When it will be fine? Will it ever be fine? I don't think so.
I know what some people might say... "Keep trying"... I'm trying for my whole fucking life! And where did that lead me? Nowhere! Every time I want to do something good, even if it's not for me, but the other person, the life itself throws more and more obstacles at me. Even if others will still say that I should keep trying to be better... I just don't think it'll be worth it. I'll suddenly got a help from a stranger or maybe from heavens? Wish that story would so well. For now, the perspective is grim. No, my life won't get better. If it doesn't get better from trying to go good things then why it should get better? And maybe I should try get things done instead of trying? Yeah, I wish it was that fucking simple.
Family that are worst people imaginable, no real life friends, people who are just blank cards lacking any semblance of personality, poor conditions... I could go on, but my life... to say it was bad would be an enormous understatement.
Am I cursed? Because I feel like it. That I'm cursed with constant failures where achieving a decent life seems like an impossible challenge. Can't even achieve happiness. I do many different things, want to keep myself entertained, trying to be as best as I can... and yet, I don't feel happy. I don't think I ever felt that feeling. The true feeling, not like a dopamine shot. Where I was content with my life, my things in it and with the state of this world.
I hate my life. Or maybe I should say that I hate this world? Either way, it seems that I can't be happy. It's out of my reach. I have no one. I'm alone. People from the internet? There some decent ones, but I wish they were here, at my place. Maybe I'll actually feel happy. Maybe I'll actually feel useful, respected... loved. And now? I feel that I should cry. It will be useless, but I can say the same about my life.
This makes me think that I should be a machine. No emotions, no suffering, no problems, just cold logic. Being a piece of data that can be quickly deleted and reshaped. Sadly, I'm stuck with my miserable existence.
I think I'll go insane. What else was left for me? Torment. I may sound like I'm entitled for happiness, to it being delivered to my hands. But it's not about this. It's about not getting obstacles in your way every fucking time you want to do something. I can try to get to happiness, but the road should be possible to cross. Because it isn't now. I don't think it'll ever be for me.
That's how I can describe it. The curse. I'm writing this as a way to relieve some stress. But I want hope. Not embers, but a proper flame. I want successes to mean something, since by looking at the way to get to them, they don't seem to be worth pursuing. I don't want to wait another 20 years to get a chance for that.
I want to be happy while still being me. While still being Zavish. This is the dance that will get to the end. Mine or theirs.
Something to vent out my negative feelings, done from the perspective of Zavish.
I'm just really tired of getting failure after failure in my life. If my life is a story then the author is a huge sadist.
I'm just really tired of getting failure after failure in my life. If my life is a story then the author is a huge sadist.
Category Story / All
Species Goat
Gender Male
Size 100 x 100px
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