CHAPTER 40

She’s before me. That statue that I had seen in the temple, now present and real in white fur that overshadows with the clarity that she brings on the back, possibly the Sun that they so much reference.
So, am I with Amaterasu in front of me, their great goddess? Before I felt distrust of her help, a big fear disturbing me with such seriousness on the look that brings rebuke and justice. Judging by the posture, it’s how they describe.
Alright! Before the goddess they pushed me so much. Now, how can I explain my danger? I don’t know how to disguise the look nor how to pull the subject; it’s as if she is everywhere, the field was she - and a beautiful one.

– You must not fear before a Mom – was her advice a reproof or solace? Her voice was serious and soft at same time. – My sons prayed that your help would be granted.
– Were you watching us too? – I didn’t want to be indulgent. Just curious, which soon is going to kill me.
– The prayers also guide me what happens under us – she looked at me attentively. Her golden eyes examined me while I’m obliged to stand and wait for some answer. – You, really, have a spirit that is foreigner from unknown land. What’s your name? What do you really wish for?

It seems the topic will prolong. Peace was what I needed. I breathe, keep the distance and think in right words, even gesticulating the arms.

– I’m Vanderlei, or Vanz how they call me. Since I moved to Sunomono, Yokais had chased me affirming that I carry the Kitsunes’ bloodline. I’m not dead because I have a friend that calls me Master and he’s a Tanuki. I took him from the vase… Well, my grandfather gifted me the vase and he appeared, saving me from the assault. After that, since my studies, I spent that hard life chased by various Yokais, including Onis and one Kamaitachi.

I tried to use correct words without stuttering. She seems to hear with total comprehension. I just don’t know if it’s comprehensible that closed and robust look facing me from the high as an authoritarian monster that could stomp me without mercy.
I hope this idea doesn’t pass in her head. I still feel intimated before their goddess. Spent twenty seconds of silence and I don’t feel zen. She isn’t going to serve me with tea like everyone else, is she?

– Kistune… a race that brought destruction and impurity on the land where I stretched such the sword to help and, today, I’m reciprocated with few sacred tributes – she seems to vent. – Kitsunes are never welcome before my earth – she said as Komainus. I even could feel the disgust blooming from her.
– But I’m not a Kitsune. I know I’m not. Why is everyone chasing me? My life became a storm after I moved here.
– Does everyone judge you as one?
– Everyone, but I know people that are helping me. They’re just welcoming me because I don’t know who to ask for help and they say a lot about you.

I’m an incapable victim to run away from fierce looks; is it weird to say the form she looks reminds me of masked fox? Her cold look is striking in a conversation that searches for to be the most direct possible.
I don’t know if I feel good. It’s strange to talk to a divinity that I never believed.
Amaterasu showed the first movement of body, bending close to me with her warm face. I don’t know which intention, but I could see better her eyes that shine with marks that highlight her. The proximity and the size difference are reasons that I wanted to walk backwards – to not say run. It’s a huge intimidation.

– Your soul doesn’t smell perversity. Do you say the truth?
– Yes, Amaterasu – as form of reverence, I prostrate before her like they do. – I just want your help.
– It’s unfair what you pass. Before, allow me to know you better.

And how would she do it? Lick my body like Tsuyoi did? Was it really a good idea to come to meet with their goddess? I claim help, I receive weird requests.
Her muzzle approaches and it was scary the perspective that I find myself before a giant wolf. She notices my reaction of moving away. It was obvious the fear.

– I’m just going to inhale your spirit and feel the aura you carry – she counsels. Better than being licked, at least.
– It’s because you are so close…
– I’m as a Mom. As my sons ask for help, I promise not to injure you.

I know she wants to help me. I am not helping myself. Even very difficult, I submit myself to hear and allow her strange analysis. Her muzzle was closer and it was perceptible the warmth she transmitted, but it wasn’t agonizing her breath. I don’t know. It’s scary standing before a mouth that has the threatening power to destroy, but her aroma was of heat Spring. She sniffed slowly. My furs were sucked by a vacuum cleaner, a spiritual treatment that took out the bad spirit. It wasn’t rough. I even felt comfortable with her transpiration close to mine. It was a warm way, strange to understand.
I stare at her with the purpose of hope. I admit it was beautiful to see her natural lightness, beauty and sweetness as a goddess must behave. I still think weird this meeting with her. To be sniffed just to certify if I carry the Kitsunes’ bloodline? Is that how happened with Tsuyoi and others? I want to believe yes. I’m going to think absurd if that case just happened to me.
It kept on like that. We stood a second in silence. I keep looking at her trying to guess what she is thinking about my person. A unique inhale was enough. The wind still blows together with the leaves that fly fast around me. I looked back in distrust of another entity watching me hidden, forgetting that I’m in an open field. They told me it was only me and her, so I don’t have to get paranoid. The wind got stronger with the time and the weather seemed to weigh. I stared at her; she kept with closed eyes and raised the head, but the fire intensified; her expression changed little by little, beginning by the low growl, gum lifting, showing these white and huge fangs; the muzzle stiffens as if something loathsome was to smell; the look opens little by little in an ferocity expression, answering with all scopes that I’m cornered on the worst way possible: before the goddess and giant.

– Amaterasu? Why are you angry?

Stupidly I questioned. The wind blew stronger, the grass before quiet in the green field lost the noble value of before. Her pupils stared coldly at me in a scary roar.

– I feel… Curse!

Curse and fear that flow and dominate terrifyingly before a divinity that growled in disgust to purge a spirit - in that case, me. I feel scared, white, frozen, weakened, dead in all ways. If Amaterasu discovered something, could reply to me before wanting to kill. Her golden tranquility lost in anger and there isn’t anymore how to get out with life here.
If they, the entire time, had the intention to prepare a trap where I would fall like a fish, they did it.
I didn’t know how to look to my sides. She stares at me in an angry look as if I could cry for mercy and a chance to explain. She would go to advance against me and, thanks to no-news of size difference, bite me as a bone, which was exactly what happened then – without the bone part. I shrunk as the only way to protect myself from her attack and from the explosion that came, an immense storm that blew violently. I can’t listen nor open the eyes to see what was happening. I just felt a strong wind blowing as if I was in a crack, escaping from being thrown away. I also felt a warmth covering me.
The wind is still audible and the ambient hadn’t the harmony that belonged. A fiercely growl was heard above me and a giant coat smoothed my furs, letting me fatally curious to see. It was difficult to see because of wind, but a white paw and a maw protected me in front of a giant one seen from afar, but very far away, in one of big hills that watched us without daring to take a step in the territory. I don’t know how to describe that figure that stared a thirsty look, but its form was strange and common. Until its energy was heavy.
So… am I under Amaterasu? Wouldn’t she…

– Prague! How dare you invade my sanctuary? – by the voice, it’s really her, growling to the figure forward.
– Sanctuary? It’s nothing more than pieces of wood piled up – mocked the figure in that way. It was a rough voice and looked to be a female too. – You’re always worrying about your well-being while leaving your sons abandoned.
– Abandoned by a false goddess – her voice turned grotesque. – Do you deceive them with your illusions and wish for power at what price?
– Ha! You said it yourself – the mockery smile emerged from that silhouette with waves of long tails swinging in the air. – We are goddesses. We are made to be worshiped.

A strong wind blew in us at the last word with a sand storm, entering some remnants in my eyes that I had to force to close. It seemed that everything would be taken with us, since the grass until the mountains. I just felt that hot fur pressing and protecting me against these violence. This was an awakened scare in a nightmare where all I remember was to open the eyes abruptly into the tea room, panting hard as if my heart was going to jump from the mouth. For my sacred blessing, this endured in turn of eight seconds and everything dissipated, but looked like it took minutes.
There wasn’t any longer strong wind nor the dark voice and nor the goddess. Just the themed room, cleaned and Tsuyoi watching me with wide eyes, readying to help me. I didn’t know where to look. I’m so trembling that I don’t know if I had a physical meeting with Amaterasu. The Kappa’s sticky hand reached above my forehead to measure the temperature, soon catching on my hand.

– Are you alright, Vanz–san? What did you see?

His tone sounded a little hoarse. We traded looks, I touched my face, body, his without wanting to and I got confused again. I looked at the cups on the tray, the little table, the cloth door and we traded glances again.

– Amaterasu… – I search to join the correct syllables. To describe a scene that happened in few seconds never was so catastrophic to remember and look that I’m good with memory.
– Did you meet her? What did she say?
– She was treating me well, but began to growl at me after smelling my… spirit? She said… that felt a curse and advanced – Tsuyoi was speechless listening –, but she saved me from an attack. Had another strange figure watching us and said something about being worshiped. It had tails, but I couldn’t count how many, and her look was psychotic. After, came a sand storm and… – handling my head. – It’s all I remember. Amaterasu…
– Saved you…

He sighed anxiously. He was without reaction as if he had experimented what I witnessed, which doesn’t convince me. I felt that as if it was real - or it happened and I’m with my head flying away. Amaterasu… She was a beautiful and sagacious divinity, carrying an authority of justice and also behaves like a mom before her followers. I didn’t have one more time to discuss my problems.
In truth, everything got loose. She said “curse”, but was it to me or to the threat? And who was that figure that watched us? I thought the meeting in spiritual world was just with the goddess without interference from other beings. It didn’t make sense to me.
Since when does my life make sense after I moved to Sunomono?

– I’m sorry, Vanz–san, for not receiving the help how you wanted.

Tsuyoi forgave as if the blame was him again. With a charity gesture, my left hand landed on his shoulder trying to calm down this distressed soul. We stared in silence. We trembled for a tension time.

– You did everything for me, Tsuyoi – I answer low and slow. – You sacrificed yourself for me and took me to meet Amaterasu. She’s aware of what’s happening. I just must thank you.

The monk got in silence with the eyes focused on the mine. Sighed a smile of who is grateful and reciprocated with his hand above the mine, pressing as a seal of a history that begins today. Of course, I put the hand on my forehead to certify again if I’m fine.

– You have a different spirit from ours. We fear that something can happen to you, but Amaterasu won’t forsake you.

Taking out the threatening praise, it’s how I expect from her. I just could thank him. I don’t have anything else to do and the tea, now, would fall well to kill the heavy climax once and for all. I never saw someone so worried and insistent as Tsuyoi. Now Tanuki arrives at that level, is it good? I don’t know. I just know I feel welcomed in some way by these strange Yokais. Not all of them want my torn body.
I don’t want to think about that part.
Tsuyoi collected the cups on the tray and served us with another dose of tea to soothe a little our afflicted spirits. I can stay a little more just to kill the stress of fear. Distracted or not, I had the impression of listening to a voice talking to me. I looked at the door and there was nobody. It’s only me and Tsuyoi. It must already be the fatigue of the meeting.
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