I'm not a bad person
5 months ago
things are not clear, I really don't know what to say, I started to give up my medication treatment. I have GTRs and PTSD against the background of military traumatic events and psyche at a young age. I woke up today with a terrible feeling after another nightmare. actually, while I was taking antidepressants, I didn't have nightmares, but I'm now on the smallest dose of Zoloft, so maybe because of the withdrawal of the drug, my disturbing nightmares have returned. but I still continue to drink antipsychotics, I hope that if I increase their dose, the nightmares will leave me alone. I decided to stop taking antidepressants because they don't suit me, and I was disappointed in them. It is also very bad that there is no good and relatively low-cost psychitar in Crimea that could help me. If you're wondering what kind of person I am, I don't even know what to say. everything that happens in my life is eternal apathy and anxiety, it's hard for me to get out of bed, eat, and take care of my body hygiene. Yes, I'm disgusting. but I can't help myself, nothing pleases me or helps me. I practically don't eat because I just don't have anything to eat. sometimes I order food delivery, but it comes out too expensive for my budget. All the money I earn from drawing is what I save for a better life in the future. I left my house with my parents, and now it stands completely empty surrounded by daily gunshots and explosions. my parents are not around me, and my every nightmare is not complete without them. Every day I dream of losing them, of losing touch with them, of being completely alone on the planet. Every moment that I live before waking up after these nightmares, I can't even describe my feelings. What do I feel? I do not know, I am not sure of anything anymore. I close my eyes and I see my empty house, there's no one there, and I'm not there either. only the curtain on the front door develops from the wind. despite the fact that this is a private sector, and not a high-rise building, there is complete silence. You can no longer hear the voices of children on the street, who are playing, and with them. you can no longer hear this annoying at that moment, the flocks of birds sitting on a tree, on which in childhood I once climbed to the very top for ripe fruits. It's all gone. just a solid silence and emptiness. and even this tree has fallen, and continues to lie there, because there is no one to remove it. that's what anyone who is depressed will say, and who has experienced everything that I experience every day. someone has absolutely nothing left, and these people just can't talk about it, but for some reason I can, and I will do it for all of them. I don't leave the house, it scares me. but I think I'm already used to this lifestyle. All I want is for this to end soon. I'm not a bad person. I just had bad luck.
He was a comedian in the first half of the 20th century.
He made a speech in one of his films, that is still as up-to-date as it was back then:
To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress.
The actual speech is much longer and has a wider scope.
You are wonderful. Your art is cherished. That the world, and your area in particular, are currently fucked up is a tragedy.
I wish I knew a solution, wish it would be in my power to fix the situation.
But it isn't, to my personal anger.
So all I can do is ask you to hold your head high, to not give in to fear and anxiety and to have hope for a better future in your heart.
And not to order fastfood but instead cook for yourself - its healthier and a lot cheaper.
And depressions are assholes. As are nightmares.
I'd send you a shark plushy when I could, as those are great devourers of nightmares and anxieties.
Think of replanting the tree, think of educating children in that trees shade, think of the scent of freshly baked bread and cookies.
Talk with your friend about your anxieties, use moments of calm to feel human warmth, human company.
You are a good person.
It's indeed the world that needs a slap occasionally.
This describes my entire range of emotions, thanks for the support! I have a big plush shark, and I really sleep with it) unfortunately, I do not have close friends, as I do not socialize well. as for deliveries and healthy food, I just can't bring myself to go outside to buy groceries, let alone cook it delicious, and then clean up after myself so as not to live in a mess. although sometimes I catch myself at a moment when I realize that right now I will definitely be able to do something useful. and I do it, but it happens so rarely that I want to cry, and of course there just aren't enough such times. I do not know what unknown force helps me to draw in such a deplorable state as mine. probably because I like it... in any case, thank you so much for such a detailed comment, which contains so much support and words of understanding. I appreciate it. truth.
That is one of the reasons what the internet is excellent for. Just stay away from large social media platforms and instead look for smaller "tribal" groups.
Human brains weren't designed to emotionally cope and handle large and diverse groups of people well. We're trimmed for the family or the clan, maybe a village. Thats what our brain was designed for and where it excels.
So, make sure you don't swamp yourself with oversized groups for social interactions.
Hmmm *pulls up a noteblock*
Also, there is a universal weapon against the "Innere Schweinehund" as well as a blunt trauma weapon for use whilst under depression:
Lists, timetables, calendars, to-do-lists.
Depressions fester and make their own reinforcement-cycles.
So, for one, make a daily cycle that will give your day structure, will allow your body to exist healthy and, most of all, force you into diverse situations every day.
Depressions like nice and simple schedules. Like curling up and crying all day.
It.. I mean, that's what the medication is for:
To enable you to find methods to trick your brain out of such cycles.
When you have no psychatrist available, I can only suggest you try if the "basic standard" approach works for you.
The good thing is that it won't hurt you trying it.
My brother and me both had a depression phase - courtesy to diabetes and life - years ago.
As I had a lighter case, the doctor suggested I try to organize my day and try to "idiotically strictly" stick to it.
Like, getting up at always the same time.
Going to bed always at the same time.
Plan in a bit more for sleep than average - for me 8 hours are ideal, for example, so I added half an hour to offset the time until the medication started to work.
Plan your "mandatory tasks":
Cleaning yourself,
making food,
going out for a walk when its bright outside,
Washing the clothes,
cleaning one place or room every day.
I was recommended to make every tasks slot big enough to get something done, but small enough that no task dominates your day.
Add, each day, a time slot, an hour, for tasks you didn't finish the day before.
When you did all the day before, great!
Read a book, take a nap, do something totally weird.
Take that hour to grieve and cry and curl up.
But after that hour, next task.
Depressions are sometimes - Not always! - self-reinforcing situations, sometimes ( more often ) chemical or psychological issues.
Funnily, we can train our brains.
And seeing one managed to do somwthing each day is something that even a depression has a hard time making look insignificant.
After all, you literally won out against your own brain!
Look up to the sun, or to the stars in a dark cloudfree night.
Whatever idiocities we humans d oto each other, they are still there, calling for us and patiently waiting that we get our shit together.
And to get there, we need plans.
Good plans!
So, start with yours today!
*Hugs the sharkess*
I am utterly terrible with words. I wanted to still attempt.
*Totally hugs!*
I do hope everything settles down too.