I have a CPAP machine now.
Posted 3 years agoWas diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea during the summer after a sleep study. Apparently I stop breathing in my sleep for several minutes at a time and my oxygen levels are significantly low from not breathing during sleep. Now that I have a CPAP machine now I am curious to see if this will be an answer to my issues that I am going through right now.
It is kind of strange. My father has sleep apnea as well, the first time I saw him using this machine while he was sleeping was heart breaking to me at a young age. I never pushed the issue with him but it left an unexplainable feeling in me, and now I have to use the same machine that left me with so many questions and mixed feelings.
I do hope that this helps, at least.
It is kind of strange. My father has sleep apnea as well, the first time I saw him using this machine while he was sleeping was heart breaking to me at a young age. I never pushed the issue with him but it left an unexplainable feeling in me, and now I have to use the same machine that left me with so many questions and mixed feelings.
I do hope that this helps, at least.
I hate Vraylar.
Posted 4 years agoI hate this medication so much.
I apologize for not posting anything in over a year, my medication has not been agreeing with my body at all. I've been excessively sleeping most days and it has completely impacted my life up to this point. I was supposed to go to school for this semester but I decided that it would be best not to. I won't be able to make any promises but I will try my best to upload more work sometime next month for those who are still interested.
I hope that everyone has a nice Valentines Friday and a great weekend.
I apologize for not posting anything in over a year, my medication has not been agreeing with my body at all. I've been excessively sleeping most days and it has completely impacted my life up to this point. I was supposed to go to school for this semester but I decided that it would be best not to. I won't be able to make any promises but I will try my best to upload more work sometime next month for those who are still interested.
I hope that everyone has a nice Valentines Friday and a great weekend.
Telegram.
Posted 5 years agoHello there.
After much resistance and pondering, I finally decided to get a telegram account up and running. I currently have 0 contacts, but if you would like to talk about anything I can be reached over here: https://t.me/White_Baneberry
Thank you, and have a good night.
After much resistance and pondering, I finally decided to get a telegram account up and running. I currently have 0 contacts, but if you would like to talk about anything I can be reached over here: https://t.me/White_Baneberry
Thank you, and have a good night.
I'm in need of help.
Posted 5 years agoHello everyone.
I really did not wanted to make this post, but as of now, I don't have any options available for me.
Finding a job as been proven to be excruciatingly difficult, no one wants to hire me in any type of job. My family doesn't really make a substantial amount of money and refuses to give me any that is not for medicine that I need. I need to go to college to sort out an issue that is out of my control, but I have no money to take the bus currently, and I have to continuously go to there to submit and request for more paperwork pertaining to my personal information. I also need to go to my appointments with my social worker as walking has become a problem for me as of recently. I am getting stinging nerve pain when I walk and I am not sure as to why this is the case.
I don't intend for this to be a sob journal, but I want to let people know what is happening as of late and I don't really have any alternatives to turn towards. If you can donate in order to assist me for things that I have to do in order to get back into college and make my appointments, that would be greatly appreciated. I know that this is not the best of terms to come here and ask all of you, but I am in serious need of things that do not have. Words are not enough to show my gratitude if I can get back on my feet for college. I have a PayPal account that I can link if anyone would like to give.
Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
I really did not wanted to make this post, but as of now, I don't have any options available for me.
Finding a job as been proven to be excruciatingly difficult, no one wants to hire me in any type of job. My family doesn't really make a substantial amount of money and refuses to give me any that is not for medicine that I need. I need to go to college to sort out an issue that is out of my control, but I have no money to take the bus currently, and I have to continuously go to there to submit and request for more paperwork pertaining to my personal information. I also need to go to my appointments with my social worker as walking has become a problem for me as of recently. I am getting stinging nerve pain when I walk and I am not sure as to why this is the case.
I don't intend for this to be a sob journal, but I want to let people know what is happening as of late and I don't really have any alternatives to turn towards. If you can donate in order to assist me for things that I have to do in order to get back into college and make my appointments, that would be greatly appreciated. I know that this is not the best of terms to come here and ask all of you, but I am in serious need of things that do not have. Words are not enough to show my gratitude if I can get back on my feet for college. I have a PayPal account that I can link if anyone would like to give.
Thank you for reading, and have a great week.
The new era of socializing is a joke.
Posted 5 years agoTo talk to anyone from around the world with technology seemed like an excellent idea to those who created it, but now, I have never felt as lonely and rejected like this in a long time. If the progression of technology meant destroying the very instinct of basic communication and camaraderie, then I'd rather go back into in era where it might as well not exist.
The ability to see and talk to everyone from around the world, yet feel loved and cared for by no one, is a bittersweet revelation.
The ability to see and talk to everyone from around the world, yet feel loved and cared for by no one, is a bittersweet revelation.
Confessions.
Posted 6 years agoI am told that I don't really explain myself well by several people, so I am hoping to change that with a few amenities to my behavior.
A lot of my personality traits come from having to deal with a lot of problems early on in life, and making traits for myself wasn't exactly easy as a poverty stricken young boy with a single parent. Everyone pretty much fended for themselves during my early teen years, my sister being the most successful out of all of us as she was the more social one. My brother was old enough to venture out to stores and places and he also had friends that he could go to talk too. I, however, as not as lucky as they were, as no one wanted to be my friend in school, and I had to stay home because I was too young at the time to go outside. My mom worked two jobs and I was often the only one left at the house alone, with no real company, as you can possibly tell. In all honesty, I'd prefer that she wasn't there anyway, because she was abusive to me during those years, and constantly compared me to my more successful siblings. To be very brief, being a 12 year old in special education with absolutely no one to talk to in a poorly run high crime city isn't exactly healthy. I would go into more detail about my middle school years but for the sake of my sanity I'd prefer I not think about those years.
So, that leads us here. As of now, I suppose you can say that I am doing better, but I haven't really been making much of a level of self-sufficiency of myself since then. I wanted to make this journal to welcome any others who wish to ask me anything, I won't criticize nor attack unless I am given a reason to do so. Feel free to talk whenever you have a question or just want some company.
I hope that this finds you well.
A lot of my personality traits come from having to deal with a lot of problems early on in life, and making traits for myself wasn't exactly easy as a poverty stricken young boy with a single parent. Everyone pretty much fended for themselves during my early teen years, my sister being the most successful out of all of us as she was the more social one. My brother was old enough to venture out to stores and places and he also had friends that he could go to talk too. I, however, as not as lucky as they were, as no one wanted to be my friend in school, and I had to stay home because I was too young at the time to go outside. My mom worked two jobs and I was often the only one left at the house alone, with no real company, as you can possibly tell. In all honesty, I'd prefer that she wasn't there anyway, because she was abusive to me during those years, and constantly compared me to my more successful siblings. To be very brief, being a 12 year old in special education with absolutely no one to talk to in a poorly run high crime city isn't exactly healthy. I would go into more detail about my middle school years but for the sake of my sanity I'd prefer I not think about those years.
So, that leads us here. As of now, I suppose you can say that I am doing better, but I haven't really been making much of a level of self-sufficiency of myself since then. I wanted to make this journal to welcome any others who wish to ask me anything, I won't criticize nor attack unless I am given a reason to do so. Feel free to talk whenever you have a question or just want some company.
I hope that this finds you well.
Somedays I wonder.
Posted 6 years agoI would like to say thank you for everyone that is still watching me and enjoying my work. It means a lot to me to know that there are people who do enjoy poetry that has perception altering themes. I will begin to write more poetry during this summer, I just haven't gotten around to it due to many things.
I feel the need to kind of explain my circumstances as of now however. With the coming summer, I feel the need to properly brace my mental state and ground myself so that I don't end up in any psychiatric wards again. Summer is by far the worst season for my mood, as I came to notice. There have been many times where I have been almost hospitalized for my episodes, and the general social atmosphere of my area is not exactly helping in this regard. So if you don't see me faving any recent poetry during the summer, you'll know why.
Futhermore, my recent visit with my therapist didn't go so well. I feel as though as my mind is going down this violent, disgusting path. I'm beginning to notice that I'm having more violent thoughts and outbursts. He thought that my opinions of euthanasia were akin to Nazi Germany rhetoric, and had eugenics philosophy that a lot of people do not care for. Having been this way for several years, and without anyone to really communicate to in situations, I honestly don't see a reason as to why people feel this way, but I suppose that living a horrible life is better than having no life at all.
I apologize for the tangent, but I just want to make people aware as to what might come next for these weeks. I hope that everyone will have a great summer, and I urgently hope that it's not going to be like mine.
I feel the need to kind of explain my circumstances as of now however. With the coming summer, I feel the need to properly brace my mental state and ground myself so that I don't end up in any psychiatric wards again. Summer is by far the worst season for my mood, as I came to notice. There have been many times where I have been almost hospitalized for my episodes, and the general social atmosphere of my area is not exactly helping in this regard. So if you don't see me faving any recent poetry during the summer, you'll know why.
Futhermore, my recent visit with my therapist didn't go so well. I feel as though as my mind is going down this violent, disgusting path. I'm beginning to notice that I'm having more violent thoughts and outbursts. He thought that my opinions of euthanasia were akin to Nazi Germany rhetoric, and had eugenics philosophy that a lot of people do not care for. Having been this way for several years, and without anyone to really communicate to in situations, I honestly don't see a reason as to why people feel this way, but I suppose that living a horrible life is better than having no life at all.
I apologize for the tangent, but I just want to make people aware as to what might come next for these weeks. I hope that everyone will have a great summer, and I urgently hope that it's not going to be like mine.
Euthanasia for the mentally ill.
Posted 6 years agoHow do people really feel about this subject? I know that there is a lot of controversy surrounding this topic, but as someone who is actually diagnosed with something, I would agree wholeheartedly that people should end their lives if they wanted to do so.
Suicide isn't anything new, it has been with humanity since ancient times. Usually, people would like to avoid others from killing themselves usually for emotionally-laced reasons instead of logical ones. The phrase 'it gets better' often comes to mind when people hear about depression and its symptoms. The quality of life for a person who has a mental illness often does not get better at any state. I personally don't have any valid reason as to why I'm still alive other than my family because they know that if I die, someone is going to have to pay for my burial. They say that it would be different if I were to die, but having been the black sheep for a very long time, I honestly don't think much would change if I were to be involved in euthanasia.
Secondly, people who are suffering from suicidal tendencies will often use unsafe methods that could potentially harm another person. CO poisoning can and has killed and injured first-responders and passerbys who entered confined spaces. If euthanasia would be legal, these methods could be replaced with safe medical procedures that would only end the life of one person, and not put others at risk.
There's more logical reasons as to why someone would want it, but I think you get the gist of it. I have never gotten any logical reason as to why people would want to prevent suicide for permanently ill individuals, and I would like to know.
Suicide isn't anything new, it has been with humanity since ancient times. Usually, people would like to avoid others from killing themselves usually for emotionally-laced reasons instead of logical ones. The phrase 'it gets better' often comes to mind when people hear about depression and its symptoms. The quality of life for a person who has a mental illness often does not get better at any state. I personally don't have any valid reason as to why I'm still alive other than my family because they know that if I die, someone is going to have to pay for my burial. They say that it would be different if I were to die, but having been the black sheep for a very long time, I honestly don't think much would change if I were to be involved in euthanasia.
Secondly, people who are suffering from suicidal tendencies will often use unsafe methods that could potentially harm another person. CO poisoning can and has killed and injured first-responders and passerbys who entered confined spaces. If euthanasia would be legal, these methods could be replaced with safe medical procedures that would only end the life of one person, and not put others at risk.
There's more logical reasons as to why someone would want it, but I think you get the gist of it. I have never gotten any logical reason as to why people would want to prevent suicide for permanently ill individuals, and I would like to know.
No real alternatives.
Posted 6 years agoSo, today I spoke to the local marine recruiter about my chances of joining, with my diagnosis and my medical history now withstanding, and he told me that it would be impossible for me to join due to regulations. It has been over 5 years since I've went into that office, and now that the one thing that I have wanted to do since I was a kid is now blocked off from me, I don't really have many real life choices. If I fail college again, and find out that I can't get back in due to my grades, I'm pretty much done. No one wants to hire me for some petty reason, I have no real life outside of college, very little money, and I feel as though as my mom is on the verge of kicking me out of her house someday soon. She says that she'll never do that, but knowing her I won't buy it.
And they say that you can do anything you want in life. How naive.
And they say that you can do anything you want in life. How naive.
Just another day.
Posted 6 years agoRegardless of my beliefs or lack thereof, I hope that everyone has a happy new year, and I certainly hope that its not like mine.
My computer is working again.
Posted 6 years agoGood evening.
I realized that my previous journal entry was sloppily written when my computer had gotten a virus, and I want to apologize for that. I was under a good amount of stress at the time and I didn't really realize until much later.
Anyway, I managed to fix my computer for the time being. I had an old drive with some of my data on it so I just cloned it and flashed the BIOS. I can deal with the loss of my most recent data, which is around 8 months of files that I will probably never see again. As for my state, I am still managing so far, I suppose. I wasn't able to get into any classes for the fall semester because of some complications about my financial aid, so for the mean time I am still job searching and helping my family as much as I can. I do want to personally thank everyone for being supportive and helpful throughout all of this, and I appreciate every single ounce that I have received during this mess. It is more than great to see that there are people here who are kind and considerate, and it means quite a lot.
I hope that everyone has a good day today.
I realized that my previous journal entry was sloppily written when my computer had gotten a virus, and I want to apologize for that. I was under a good amount of stress at the time and I didn't really realize until much later.
Anyway, I managed to fix my computer for the time being. I had an old drive with some of my data on it so I just cloned it and flashed the BIOS. I can deal with the loss of my most recent data, which is around 8 months of files that I will probably never see again. As for my state, I am still managing so far, I suppose. I wasn't able to get into any classes for the fall semester because of some complications about my financial aid, so for the mean time I am still job searching and helping my family as much as I can. I do want to personally thank everyone for being supportive and helpful throughout all of this, and I appreciate every single ounce that I have received during this mess. It is more than great to see that there are people here who are kind and considerate, and it means quite a lot.
I hope that everyone has a good day today.
I lost most of my files.
Posted 6 years agoGood afternoon.
Apparently I got some virus on my PC and it disabled all of windows services. I tried to reenable them but it wouldn't let me and now the entire OS is dead. I'm going to do a clean install and I hope I can fix it that way. Unfortunately, all of the files that I was working on are going to be deleted, which included several pieces of poetry and some digital pieces as well. I would be very upset right now, but the way life is going for me and with what is happening right now I'm surprisingly calm. The sheer amount of hardship that I've endured in my life and the stupidity that I have to put up with on a daily basis has just kind of nulled my feelings, so I supposed that that is one upside of having to go through this. I apologize for anyone who at least had some interest in my art, but for the time being I may be inactive for a couple of months to get things back together again once my PC is fixed, along with other life events.
Have a good day.
Apparently I got some virus on my PC and it disabled all of windows services. I tried to reenable them but it wouldn't let me and now the entire OS is dead. I'm going to do a clean install and I hope I can fix it that way. Unfortunately, all of the files that I was working on are going to be deleted, which included several pieces of poetry and some digital pieces as well. I would be very upset right now, but the way life is going for me and with what is happening right now I'm surprisingly calm. The sheer amount of hardship that I've endured in my life and the stupidity that I have to put up with on a daily basis has just kind of nulled my feelings, so I supposed that that is one upside of having to go through this. I apologize for anyone who at least had some interest in my art, but for the time being I may be inactive for a couple of months to get things back together again once my PC is fixed, along with other life events.
Have a good day.
An Apology.
Posted 7 years agoI just want to say that I am really sorry for not getting back into writing any poetry for the past 2 months now. There has been a lot of things that have been on my mind right now that have prevented me from doing so. Usually when I am in a very bad mood, I am able to write some form of poetry, but now...I just simply can't muster any amount of motivation to write anything. Every day is becoming harder and harder to just get out of bed just to do the most basic things, and I honestly just feel so tired and burnt out with life in general. I will try my best to try to write more poetry sometime soon in the future, I want to thank everyone that has been reading and enjoying my works so far, it definitely does not go ignored, and it means so much to me to know that there are people here to appreciate and like my poetry.
I do hope that everyone has a good day today.
I do hope that everyone has a good day today.
A thought.
Posted 7 years agoEverything around me, just feels so fake. Everything that I see, it's not genuine at all. Do people really enjoy being like this? Deprived of all of the most simplistic emotions except for lust and ethical stagnation? How do they not get tired of this repetitive cycle, do they not realize that they're repeating the same actions over and over again? Is this all that people do, without any second thought, or without noticing how vapid and recurrent this life really is? This is basically what humanity has come to, seeking pleasure in all places with no regard as to how other people feel, or how their actions will affect something else? And yet here I am, in the thick of it, with absolutely nothing in common with everyone else, in a place that is 'very supportive and caring'. Yet I get treated like complete trash every single day, for showing kindness and compassion that people only take advantage of. And when the truth is brought out, when what needs to be said for the benefit of themselves, they ignore it and pretend that it doesn't exist.
Ironic how even in here I feel essentially alienated and outed, in a place that is the pinnacle of humor to outsiders. And I stay here because my curiously gets the better of me, only for this stupid cycle...to repeat itself.
Ironic how even in here I feel essentially alienated and outed, in a place that is the pinnacle of humor to outsiders. And I stay here because my curiously gets the better of me, only for this stupid cycle...to repeat itself.
Tired.
Posted 7 years agoI'm just so tired.
Tired of living, tired of having weeks go by with nothing happening, tired of having absolutely no opportunity in my life, tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I am just so tired of everything.
My life has never amounted to what I envisioned when I was younger. I see people all around me who are happier, productive, loved, successful, and I'm here simply rotting away in my room with nothing to look forward to.
I have wanted to off myself for the longest time, but failing another suicide attempt and dealing with the repercussions is far much worse than having to put up with this pitiful life.
I am extremely tired of hearing the same things over and over again by people who are in a much better shape than I am. It never ever 'got better', and I have tried hard enough to the point where I am simply burned out. I am simply just existing, waiting for the right move to just kill myself.
And yet as I write this, I know that this will simply get completely ignored. If I killed myself right now, no one would notice me leave. No one cares, no one likes me, I have no one who understands me, I have nothing. I am nothing, and my existence has been nothing but a complete waste of time and resources.
Tired of living, tired of having weeks go by with nothing happening, tired of having absolutely no opportunity in my life, tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I am just so tired of everything.
My life has never amounted to what I envisioned when I was younger. I see people all around me who are happier, productive, loved, successful, and I'm here simply rotting away in my room with nothing to look forward to.
I have wanted to off myself for the longest time, but failing another suicide attempt and dealing with the repercussions is far much worse than having to put up with this pitiful life.
I am extremely tired of hearing the same things over and over again by people who are in a much better shape than I am. It never ever 'got better', and I have tried hard enough to the point where I am simply burned out. I am simply just existing, waiting for the right move to just kill myself.
And yet as I write this, I know that this will simply get completely ignored. If I killed myself right now, no one would notice me leave. No one cares, no one likes me, I have no one who understands me, I have nothing. I am nothing, and my existence has been nothing but a complete waste of time and resources.
Got my computer back up.
Posted 7 years agoI have my computer back from being sent to get repaired.
I'm contemplating whether or not I should finish the valentines day poem, seeing as it's already too late.
I'm contemplating whether or not I should finish the valentines day poem, seeing as it's already too late.
Why do I even bother.
Posted 7 years agoI always try my best to help people in need, but time and time again, it's never enough.
Always willing to give and give, and they take and walk off.
Making my best efforts to see them smile, only for them to tell me to shut up.
Try to get people out of a bind, only for them to cue me to fuck off.
Showing them my own gratitude, that's promptly and completely disregarded.
Perhaps this is some sort of masochism that I subconsciously do just to get my fix of things. Maybe in the back of my mind there's a side of me that likes being treated this way. Maybe.
...
Posted 7 years ago...
"Life is what you make of it"
Posted 7 years ago*Sigh*
I usually don't write these types of things, or 'life updates' if you will, but with the amount of loneliness that I feel right now, and the fact that I don't really have any sort of companionship with anyone has made me want to reach out. I'm just going to completely disregard the fact that no one is ever going to see this, or really care, but I suppose that it would be nice if someone did.
I'm currently just laying here on my bed right now where I'm just to the point of tears from looking at the situation that I have gotten myself into lately; where I live it is extremely difficult to find any sort of entry level job anywhere, every time that I fill out an application I'm either ignored or they respond with "we're not looking for anyone", when clearly they have a help wanted sign. I have absolutely no money and no amount of income to support myself, and I feel as though as I'm making my parent feel like I'm just a useless piece of flesh that weighs down on the bills. I never wanted to be in this predicament, but here I am. School is another issue, during the summer of last year I was kicked out of my local community college for academic reasons and now I have to go to another college a dozen or so miles away and hope that I don't fail out of that college as well. My GPA is abysmal and if I literally fail one assignment from any of my classes, I might get kicked out again. I honestly really don't want to go to school due to my diagnoses, but if I really want to have any hope of making a reasonable amount of income for the next few years, I have to.
Moreover, I don't really have any type of support system to really speak of. My family is already burdened with a host of their own problems, and I don't want them to be even more cluttered with my own problems. Every day when I go outside I have a look of bitterness and frustration because no one ever gives me the light of day to want to communicate with me like a valued human being, and when they do want something from me, it's like I'm a resource for them. I just feel like everyone that I come across just hates me and it is simply not fair. Even online I don't have any type of friends to really speak too, and just thinking about all of this honestly makes me want to just accept the fact that I am always going to be alone; I always wanted to be in a relationship but it really looks like that that is never going to happen, and the hard part is that I really need to face the truth and move on.
I'm also dealing with a lot of personal issues, but that's neither here or there because just thinking about them makes me want to go on indefinitely. And that is honestly why I can safely say that this type of life is definitely not what I had envisioned it to be or create. I'm just so depressed and lonely and it really hurts...
I usually don't write these types of things, or 'life updates' if you will, but with the amount of loneliness that I feel right now, and the fact that I don't really have any sort of companionship with anyone has made me want to reach out. I'm just going to completely disregard the fact that no one is ever going to see this, or really care, but I suppose that it would be nice if someone did.
I'm currently just laying here on my bed right now where I'm just to the point of tears from looking at the situation that I have gotten myself into lately; where I live it is extremely difficult to find any sort of entry level job anywhere, every time that I fill out an application I'm either ignored or they respond with "we're not looking for anyone", when clearly they have a help wanted sign. I have absolutely no money and no amount of income to support myself, and I feel as though as I'm making my parent feel like I'm just a useless piece of flesh that weighs down on the bills. I never wanted to be in this predicament, but here I am. School is another issue, during the summer of last year I was kicked out of my local community college for academic reasons and now I have to go to another college a dozen or so miles away and hope that I don't fail out of that college as well. My GPA is abysmal and if I literally fail one assignment from any of my classes, I might get kicked out again. I honestly really don't want to go to school due to my diagnoses, but if I really want to have any hope of making a reasonable amount of income for the next few years, I have to.
Moreover, I don't really have any type of support system to really speak of. My family is already burdened with a host of their own problems, and I don't want them to be even more cluttered with my own problems. Every day when I go outside I have a look of bitterness and frustration because no one ever gives me the light of day to want to communicate with me like a valued human being, and when they do want something from me, it's like I'm a resource for them. I just feel like everyone that I come across just hates me and it is simply not fair. Even online I don't have any type of friends to really speak too, and just thinking about all of this honestly makes me want to just accept the fact that I am always going to be alone; I always wanted to be in a relationship but it really looks like that that is never going to happen, and the hard part is that I really need to face the truth and move on.
I'm also dealing with a lot of personal issues, but that's neither here or there because just thinking about them makes me want to go on indefinitely. And that is honestly why I can safely say that this type of life is definitely not what I had envisioned it to be or create. I'm just so depressed and lonely and it really hurts...