Thanks So Much for 6k+!
Posted 4 months agoI decided to check my watchcount on FA on a whim a minute ago, and noticed I just passed 6,000 watchers!
I figured it was worth posting a quick little thank you for the support over the years, and that I'm really happy to see more and more folks who'll tolerate kinks they're not into to see what else I have to offer.
I figured it was worth posting a quick little thank you for the support over the years, and that I'm really happy to see more and more folks who'll tolerate kinks they're not into to see what else I have to offer.
Merry Christmas. Feel I've Been Gone a Little While.
Posted 5 months agoI genuinely hope the day's treated you all kindly and even if it wasn't a great time, that you had a little bit of peace and quiet.
Where have I been? Short answer is "Christmas."
I've been a little swept up off my feet the last couple weeks, mostly in a good way. The minute I finished up the art I had due for Christmas day, I moved on to the next thing and that was a laundry list of things my family needed me to, and that I wanted to do for them.
It's been exhausting but very rewarding too, and I got the last payoff I'd been waiting for just today. My mom suggested I make a montage to commemorate my younger nephew's first year with us and it just kinda blew up into a whole thing for the entire family instead.
Wasn't easy to do - in both a practical and emotional way - but I'm very glad that I could pull it off.
There were a bunch of other technical projects around the house that I'd either been putting off or that cropped up last minute, and if you know anything about my relationship with tech you'll probably guess how easy and straightforward those tasks ended up being.
How's this left me?
I've been just about entirely offline from social media for the past week or so, only interacting regularly with folks on my Telegram group chat and Discord server. I may have been a tad burnt out from the effort I put in and crashing as hard as I did right after, but I've taken good care of myself since then.
HRT has been kicking in a bit, but so far it's mostly been psychological effects. Nothing I haven't managed to handle, but it's still taken some more spoons to stay on top of things on that front too. Let's just say that it's been a bit of an adventure, but it's certainly one I've been preparing for for a very long time now. Get therapy if you have access to it.
So what's next?
TL;DR is that I got a lot planned and am really excited to get back into the swing of things.
I have something special coming up for myself and some close friends to roll in the new year, but that shouldn't stop me getting started sooner rather than later.
I got a decent backlog of some really fun commissions to finish up, as well as post up for y'all to enjoy, but also a lot of crowdfunded projects I've been wanting to dust off and get rolling for absolutely ages now.
There's really never a dull moment with what I do and just about entirely a case of how much time I can/am able to put into things and which of the several projects I wanna work on will get it.
I will take one last second to remind you that I am a crowdfunded artist and supported by a wonderful community of folks over on my website. The better it does, the less time I have to worry about making ends meet and the more time I have left over to focus on just making cool stuff to share with y'all.
Even if you can't afford that, I appreciate you following and enjoying my art in any way you can. Thanks for helping me turn what could've been an absolutely disastrous year into one where I learned so much about, and worked hard on improving myself too.
I feel like I'm in a great position to finally get to where I've been striving to be for the past 8 years or so, and I'm hoping it'll lead to more and better work from me for you all to enjoy real soon.
I can't fuckin' wait.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it brings good things to you all.
Where have I been? Short answer is "Christmas."
I've been a little swept up off my feet the last couple weeks, mostly in a good way. The minute I finished up the art I had due for Christmas day, I moved on to the next thing and that was a laundry list of things my family needed me to, and that I wanted to do for them.
It's been exhausting but very rewarding too, and I got the last payoff I'd been waiting for just today. My mom suggested I make a montage to commemorate my younger nephew's first year with us and it just kinda blew up into a whole thing for the entire family instead.
Wasn't easy to do - in both a practical and emotional way - but I'm very glad that I could pull it off.
There were a bunch of other technical projects around the house that I'd either been putting off or that cropped up last minute, and if you know anything about my relationship with tech you'll probably guess how easy and straightforward those tasks ended up being.
How's this left me?
I've been just about entirely offline from social media for the past week or so, only interacting regularly with folks on my Telegram group chat and Discord server. I may have been a tad burnt out from the effort I put in and crashing as hard as I did right after, but I've taken good care of myself since then.
HRT has been kicking in a bit, but so far it's mostly been psychological effects. Nothing I haven't managed to handle, but it's still taken some more spoons to stay on top of things on that front too. Let's just say that it's been a bit of an adventure, but it's certainly one I've been preparing for for a very long time now. Get therapy if you have access to it.
So what's next?
TL;DR is that I got a lot planned and am really excited to get back into the swing of things.
I have something special coming up for myself and some close friends to roll in the new year, but that shouldn't stop me getting started sooner rather than later.
I got a decent backlog of some really fun commissions to finish up, as well as post up for y'all to enjoy, but also a lot of crowdfunded projects I've been wanting to dust off and get rolling for absolutely ages now.
There's really never a dull moment with what I do and just about entirely a case of how much time I can/am able to put into things and which of the several projects I wanna work on will get it.
I will take one last second to remind you that I am a crowdfunded artist and supported by a wonderful community of folks over on my website. The better it does, the less time I have to worry about making ends meet and the more time I have left over to focus on just making cool stuff to share with y'all.
Even if you can't afford that, I appreciate you following and enjoying my art in any way you can. Thanks for helping me turn what could've been an absolutely disastrous year into one where I learned so much about, and worked hard on improving myself too.
I feel like I'm in a great position to finally get to where I've been striving to be for the past 8 years or so, and I'm hoping it'll lead to more and better work from me for you all to enjoy real soon.
I can't fuckin' wait.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it brings good things to you all.
So I Had a Wonderful Start to Getting On HRT
Posted 6 months agoI got to celebrate my first dose of HRT earlier this week, as I mentioned on the night, accompanied by some of my closest furry friends and partners in a cozy little online gathering. It was a genuinely lovely way to finally get started on this new chapter of my journey, especially given the limitations I've had to deal with, and that it's been a bit challenging and honestly somewhat anticlimactic at times.
While it was a good way to commemorate the occasion, I did feel like the physical aspect was still missing. Given that my family doesn't quite understand how much of a big deal this is to me, I simultaneously didn't expect anything to happen and also felt the thought of organizing it myself to be a bit awkward. So it didn't really feel like I was going to get much of that for a while.
For a little bit of context, a local (normie) friend of mine has been supporting me actively through some difficult times for a while now, and with me keeping him up on just about everything related to my furry life (a distinction I'm happy is becoming less and less necessary to make), he was aware of those recent developments too. He also knew that getting my approval for treatment was a long wait followed by an extremely anticlimactic response; at least around here.
Earlier this week, he invited our group of friends to come over on Saturday (last night) for games and dinner with him and his wife, who I'm also on very good terms with (she was the one who let me know that there's a government option for trans healthcare here, so as you might imagine, they've both helped me a lot through this journey). I didn't really think much of anything of it; I really like spending time with them and given that opportunities to meet are a little limited with kids being a factor and me not having my own place to host at, it seemed like a great idea.
I'm not exactly sure what it was that got me in the right mindset from the very start that night, but for whatever reason, I felt comfortable enough to just be my real self and not hold back at all. I spent hours talking their ears off about all sorts of things, and although I had a lot to say, I never felt like I was stumbling in my words or struggling to keep the conversation going in ways that were at least relevant, if not interesting. It felt good not to have to restrain myself for a change, because at the time, I was in the right mindset to just be, and not have loads of mental processes wasted on worrying about whether or not it's appropriate or even welcomed.
The night progressed as it often does, just with a far lessened sense of needing to hide so much any more. It felt pretty much like a typical, fun night with the guys (and some of the girls), but with the real me present at the table for a change.
Eventually, everyone arrived. As the last ones to get there settled in and greetings were exchanged, I noticed myself wondering if and when I should mention to everybody that I'd recently started HRT.
My friend had already accounted for that.
The next time I sat down again, he jumped at the opportunity and told me that I should close my eyes. I genuinely hadn't seen that coming, and didn't know exactly what to expect. I felt something being lowered in front of me, and he told me to open them again. He'd gotten a big cake for me which said "HAPPY BIHRTDAY" on top, with the layers matching that of the trans flag, and organized the whole party with that in mind.
I was simply blown away, and honestly couldn't tell you how I didn't feel the urge to break down into tears right there and then. Everyone was just genuinely happy for me, and I got so used to this whole thing just not being a big deal to most folks here that I don't think that the reality of the situation set in properly until an hour or so later; people - my friends - were actually celebrating the news with me.
It was Validating, in the very realest meaning of the word.
We had sparkling wine to go with the cake, and played games for a long while after that.
I'm just, so fucking lucky to have this.
(You can see pictures of the cake and read a bonus story at the bottom of my cohost post here.)
While it was a good way to commemorate the occasion, I did feel like the physical aspect was still missing. Given that my family doesn't quite understand how much of a big deal this is to me, I simultaneously didn't expect anything to happen and also felt the thought of organizing it myself to be a bit awkward. So it didn't really feel like I was going to get much of that for a while.
For a little bit of context, a local (normie) friend of mine has been supporting me actively through some difficult times for a while now, and with me keeping him up on just about everything related to my furry life (a distinction I'm happy is becoming less and less necessary to make), he was aware of those recent developments too. He also knew that getting my approval for treatment was a long wait followed by an extremely anticlimactic response; at least around here.
Earlier this week, he invited our group of friends to come over on Saturday (last night) for games and dinner with him and his wife, who I'm also on very good terms with (she was the one who let me know that there's a government option for trans healthcare here, so as you might imagine, they've both helped me a lot through this journey). I didn't really think much of anything of it; I really like spending time with them and given that opportunities to meet are a little limited with kids being a factor and me not having my own place to host at, it seemed like a great idea.
I'm not exactly sure what it was that got me in the right mindset from the very start that night, but for whatever reason, I felt comfortable enough to just be my real self and not hold back at all. I spent hours talking their ears off about all sorts of things, and although I had a lot to say, I never felt like I was stumbling in my words or struggling to keep the conversation going in ways that were at least relevant, if not interesting. It felt good not to have to restrain myself for a change, because at the time, I was in the right mindset to just be, and not have loads of mental processes wasted on worrying about whether or not it's appropriate or even welcomed.
The night progressed as it often does, just with a far lessened sense of needing to hide so much any more. It felt pretty much like a typical, fun night with the guys (and some of the girls), but with the real me present at the table for a change.
Eventually, everyone arrived. As the last ones to get there settled in and greetings were exchanged, I noticed myself wondering if and when I should mention to everybody that I'd recently started HRT.
My friend had already accounted for that.
The next time I sat down again, he jumped at the opportunity and told me that I should close my eyes. I genuinely hadn't seen that coming, and didn't know exactly what to expect. I felt something being lowered in front of me, and he told me to open them again. He'd gotten a big cake for me which said "HAPPY BIHRTDAY" on top, with the layers matching that of the trans flag, and organized the whole party with that in mind.
I was simply blown away, and honestly couldn't tell you how I didn't feel the urge to break down into tears right there and then. Everyone was just genuinely happy for me, and I got so used to this whole thing just not being a big deal to most folks here that I don't think that the reality of the situation set in properly until an hour or so later; people - my friends - were actually celebrating the news with me.
It was Validating, in the very realest meaning of the word.
We had sparkling wine to go with the cake, and played games for a long while after that.
I'm just, so fucking lucky to have this.
(You can see pictures of the cake and read a bonus story at the bottom of my cohost post here.)
Patreon's "Thing" Was a Long Time Coming
Posted 6 months agoI know this post sounds like "I Told You So," and frankly, yeah. I did. But that's not the point I want to make here. That won't help those of us suffering right now.
[Context: Patreon spent their day today banning many kink creators today, primarily ABDL focused ones, and don't show any signs of stopping.]
The fact of the matter is that normies see anything ABDL adjacent as being tantamount to grooming, courting minors, or anything else around that core concept and they would sooner see it all gone than even bother spending the time effort to understand any kind of nuance about it.
"Das icky ew so bad" is literally as far as these people will engage with what frankly makes us tick, deep down. While we can coexist with them as people Within a Society, there is something fundamental about most of us in this very community that many outside of it would sooner actively see to it that it gets eradicated, than they would let us do our own thing - no matter where that may be.
The sooner we fucking realize that this is also something every one of us who dislikes someone else's fetish is participating in - and stop that fucking shit pronto - then the sooner we can waste less of our time fighting each other over stupid shit, and get back to working on having nicer things for ourselves again.
There's a lot to be discussed about fetish art and what could or might not be permissible, but that's neither here nor there right now, and I'm not going to delve into it. Seriously just miss me with the whataboutisms; the people who got summarily booted off a platform that was paying their bills
Weren't. Fucking. Hurting. Anybody.
And hey. If you're reading this thinking to yourself "well ABDL is different" then firstly, fuck you. Secondly, replace every mention of ABDL with your favourite fetish and I can promise you that it can and would apply just the same once those managing these platforms cotton on to what it does for you too. As it just so happens, they've also been banning vore artists, and I got targeted fucking years ago for being into hypnosis.
Please get the fuck over yourselves - all of you, and especially those currently engaging in discourse about the content of those artists currently looking at a few months of being effectively DESTITUTE - and gather some fucking compassion and selflessness for those stuck in the same fight as you, and are just trying to make others like you a little happier.
Also, please start learning some basic web management skills for christ's sake, cause our safe spaces are getting further and further eroded every goddamn day, and I can put money on it quickly becoming an essential tool for all of us real fucking soon.
Ask me how I know.
[Context: Patreon spent their day today banning many kink creators today, primarily ABDL focused ones, and don't show any signs of stopping.]
The fact of the matter is that normies see anything ABDL adjacent as being tantamount to grooming, courting minors, or anything else around that core concept and they would sooner see it all gone than even bother spending the time effort to understand any kind of nuance about it.
"Das icky ew so bad" is literally as far as these people will engage with what frankly makes us tick, deep down. While we can coexist with them as people Within a Society, there is something fundamental about most of us in this very community that many outside of it would sooner actively see to it that it gets eradicated, than they would let us do our own thing - no matter where that may be.
The sooner we fucking realize that this is also something every one of us who dislikes someone else's fetish is participating in - and stop that fucking shit pronto - then the sooner we can waste less of our time fighting each other over stupid shit, and get back to working on having nicer things for ourselves again.
There's a lot to be discussed about fetish art and what could or might not be permissible, but that's neither here nor there right now, and I'm not going to delve into it. Seriously just miss me with the whataboutisms; the people who got summarily booted off a platform that was paying their bills
Weren't. Fucking. Hurting. Anybody.
And hey. If you're reading this thinking to yourself "well ABDL is different" then firstly, fuck you. Secondly, replace every mention of ABDL with your favourite fetish and I can promise you that it can and would apply just the same once those managing these platforms cotton on to what it does for you too. As it just so happens, they've also been banning vore artists, and I got targeted fucking years ago for being into hypnosis.
Please get the fuck over yourselves - all of you, and especially those currently engaging in discourse about the content of those artists currently looking at a few months of being effectively DESTITUTE - and gather some fucking compassion and selflessness for those stuck in the same fight as you, and are just trying to make others like you a little happier.
Also, please start learning some basic web management skills for christ's sake, cause our safe spaces are getting further and further eroded every goddamn day, and I can put money on it quickly becoming an essential tool for all of us real fucking soon.
Ask me how I know.
Affected by Patreon's Change in Policy?
Posted 6 months agoCan't host your own site?
Then sign up here: https://subscribestar.adult/
There's no telling if and when they might change tack themselves, but branding themselves overtly as an adult site provides some sense of comfort over Patreon.
Feel up to hosting your own?
Would you rather have a more robust and long-term solution to be a little more self-reliant and independent? Do like I did.
I installed https://wordpress.com on my own VPS
I installed https://s2member.com on top of that.
The bottom line when shopping around for options here is YOUR HOSTING.
I won't recommend any cause I can't take responsibility for someone getting banned off of it, but my rule of thumb is: the cleaner and prettier the frontpage is, the less porn-friendly it likely is.
Unfortunately, the more lenient and open (and often barebones) a webhosting service becomes, the harder it gets to set up your own wordpress site.
I can't teach you how to do that.
Once you get wordpress installed, most of the rest of the work is made much, much easier for you.
If that hasn't scared you off, then you should probably shop around for an alternative subscriptions plugin to s2member cause that just so happens to be the one I landed on because of 🌈reasons🌈 and it isn't necessarily the best for you.
I'll try and answer simple questions but that's about all I can share without delving into specifics like how to install packages on a server and set up your own domain.
I'm sorry I can't help with that, but I've done my time already.
Either way, I hope this proves useful, and that folks get through this relatively unscathed. Good luck out there.
Then sign up here: https://subscribestar.adult/
There's no telling if and when they might change tack themselves, but branding themselves overtly as an adult site provides some sense of comfort over Patreon.
Feel up to hosting your own?
Would you rather have a more robust and long-term solution to be a little more self-reliant and independent? Do like I did.
I installed https://wordpress.com on my own VPS
I installed https://s2member.com on top of that.
The bottom line when shopping around for options here is YOUR HOSTING.
I won't recommend any cause I can't take responsibility for someone getting banned off of it, but my rule of thumb is: the cleaner and prettier the frontpage is, the less porn-friendly it likely is.
Unfortunately, the more lenient and open (and often barebones) a webhosting service becomes, the harder it gets to set up your own wordpress site.
I can't teach you how to do that.
Once you get wordpress installed, most of the rest of the work is made much, much easier for you.
If that hasn't scared you off, then you should probably shop around for an alternative subscriptions plugin to s2member cause that just so happens to be the one I landed on because of 🌈reasons🌈 and it isn't necessarily the best for you.
I'll try and answer simple questions but that's about all I can share without delving into specifics like how to install packages on a server and set up your own domain.
I'm sorry I can't help with that, but I've done my time already.
Either way, I hope this proves useful, and that folks get through this relatively unscathed. Good luck out there.
Hey, So: More About My Relationship With "Posting"
Posted 6 months agoLast night I got distracted from drawing things I planned on drawing because that's just the way that I'm built, but also because I discovered that the FA crosspost of my recent journal entry "I'm Genuinely Just So Fucking Fed Up of Posting Art" sparked lots of really thoughtful discussion and suggestions from those who read it, and ended up putting a lot of time and effort into replying to as many of those comments as possible.
(And here I am still procrastinating from making art by writing a journal about the replies but shhhh we don't talk about that part)
Important Sidenote: I don't intend for any of the points mentioned below to come across as a passive aggressive sleight against my peers. I've said it before and I'll say it again: even if I disagree with the ways other artists post and curate their artwork online, that's entirely their own business and what I say about the amount of effort I put into mine has no bearing on what they should or shouldn't do.
Their choices can, and likely will affect if and how their audience - including myself - decides to interact with their work, but that's just the reality that they've chosen for themselves, by setting their own boundaries (as have I), as they are well within their rights to do.
While nobody explicitly nor outright asked me this question, a lot of the comments I received that either gave suggestions, or expressed concern about what I was doing genuinely felt like they revolved around a single unspoken issue:
"Chocolate, why the fuck ((polite)) are you doing this to yourself?"
I didn't directly address this in every reply to those who took the time to comment, since it wasn't always relevant to the points and suggestions being made, but It really got me thinking about the *why* that's mixed in amongst all of this stress and hassle I put myself through. My motivations don't change the fact that crossposting is a catastrophically disastrous problem for any artist doing their work online, but *why* do I insist on subjecting myself to so much of the pain when I could so easily trim it back and lighten my load?
Being encouraged to think and write about that really made me dig deep and rediscover some things about myself and the work that I do. Things that have gotten a little lost over time; in the grind of making this happen, as it were.
Recently, I've been following Louis Rossman's whole YouTube adblocker saga and I swear it's been the single most enlightening thing I've watched or read about recently insofar as helping me rediscover my own philosophies on why I do what I do.
While I was writing up all those comments, it just so happened that Louis posted a video that had this in it. Watching it today felt like he was speaking on my behalf.
(The entire video is very good and has other points I'd say are worth discussing with regards to "free services" online, but that's not what I'm talking about here today)
Granted, there's a little mental work needed for the analogy to make sense from what he's saying about how he runs his business, to how it relates to my own; but a few of the things translate rather directly to what I do and why I do it:
I want people to have as much [content for them to enjoy] for free
I don't want people coming to me because I've made their experience more annoying
I've always tried to make the experience better for people even if they're not paying me
Yes, I left in the part about "being here if you want to pay me" because it's also relevant, but the bottom line remains the same.
I do this for my audience. My fans. Perhaps those who would be my customers, too.
I am always taking stock of my experiences while browsing other people's work. All these different websites. Admittedly, a lot of things bother me way more than they perhaps should, but there's always a nonzero chance that there is someone else in my audience who feels the same way that I do about any one of my personal pet peeves.
So, why wouldn't I curate my work to address them?
A large part of this issue relates to accessibility, and while I think that accessibility for those with disabilities is important (also why I made scripts to help me add Alt Text to my posts), I'm talking about accessibility in the sense of how easy it is to access my stuff.
A major problem I've dealt with in my life and that led to me needing therapy for the past 2 years or so has dealt with what motivates me to do what I do.
Throughout the process of practicing better mental habits and emotional resilience, I've learned to focus inwards and do things for my own sake, and if that's not possible, then for the sake of doing them at all. I'd been wasting a lot of time trying to do them for the sake of other people's approval, which is a fool's errand - especially with how difficult it is to get and hold people's attention online nowadays (if you're still reading this, thank you).
Although I've made massive progress on this front over the years, that doesn't mean I've stopped making art for the benefit and enjoyment of other people. Far from it. I just feel like I rely on it way less now, but my drive to share and share alike is still there and I don't want to lose it either, because I know that people genuinely enjoy seeing my art.
My frustration and upset in my prior post is with how much harder this has gotten in a very short amount of time. Having a single point of failure (*cough cough* FurAffinity *cough*) is never a good thing, but the sheer amount of fragmentation and proprietary barriers put up within the community's online presence is fucking staggering now when compared to just 2 years ago, and it was pretty goddamn bad even back then!
I just want people to get to see and enjoy my art because I want it to be free, and the sheer glut of all these platforms popping up aren't facilitating that any more. They feel like a hindrance put between me and my audience, and that's what pisses me the fuck off.
Yes, PostyBirb exists and I use it too, and bless the devs who still maintain what feels like a Sisyphean task, especially given how bad it's gotten lately. But the choices that they make with how they maintain their software can and does act as another barrier in this painful layer cake of misery that is "Posting Online" for artists like me. I'm not a fan of having another third-party piece of software influencing and potentially dictating who can post and where they can do it, which is why I do it anyway even if it's unsupported and really annoying.
It sucks for me, and it sucks for the sites, but that's what I chose to do for myself
and my audience, too.
Thanks for reading.
(And here I am still procrastinating from making art by writing a journal about the replies but shhhh we don't talk about that part)
Important Sidenote: I don't intend for any of the points mentioned below to come across as a passive aggressive sleight against my peers. I've said it before and I'll say it again: even if I disagree with the ways other artists post and curate their artwork online, that's entirely their own business and what I say about the amount of effort I put into mine has no bearing on what they should or shouldn't do.
Their choices can, and likely will affect if and how their audience - including myself - decides to interact with their work, but that's just the reality that they've chosen for themselves, by setting their own boundaries (as have I), as they are well within their rights to do.
While nobody explicitly nor outright asked me this question, a lot of the comments I received that either gave suggestions, or expressed concern about what I was doing genuinely felt like they revolved around a single unspoken issue:
"Chocolate, why the fuck ((polite)) are you doing this to yourself?"
I didn't directly address this in every reply to those who took the time to comment, since it wasn't always relevant to the points and suggestions being made, but It really got me thinking about the *why* that's mixed in amongst all of this stress and hassle I put myself through. My motivations don't change the fact that crossposting is a catastrophically disastrous problem for any artist doing their work online, but *why* do I insist on subjecting myself to so much of the pain when I could so easily trim it back and lighten my load?
Being encouraged to think and write about that really made me dig deep and rediscover some things about myself and the work that I do. Things that have gotten a little lost over time; in the grind of making this happen, as it were.
Recently, I've been following Louis Rossman's whole YouTube adblocker saga and I swear it's been the single most enlightening thing I've watched or read about recently insofar as helping me rediscover my own philosophies on why I do what I do.
While I was writing up all those comments, it just so happened that Louis posted a video that had this in it. Watching it today felt like he was speaking on my behalf.
(The entire video is very good and has other points I'd say are worth discussing with regards to "free services" online, but that's not what I'm talking about here today)
Granted, there's a little mental work needed for the analogy to make sense from what he's saying about how he runs his business, to how it relates to my own; but a few of the things translate rather directly to what I do and why I do it:
I want people to have as much [content for them to enjoy] for free
I don't want people coming to me because I've made their experience more annoying
I've always tried to make the experience better for people even if they're not paying me
Yes, I left in the part about "being here if you want to pay me" because it's also relevant, but the bottom line remains the same.
I do this for my audience. My fans. Perhaps those who would be my customers, too.
I am always taking stock of my experiences while browsing other people's work. All these different websites. Admittedly, a lot of things bother me way more than they perhaps should, but there's always a nonzero chance that there is someone else in my audience who feels the same way that I do about any one of my personal pet peeves.
So, why wouldn't I curate my work to address them?
A large part of this issue relates to accessibility, and while I think that accessibility for those with disabilities is important (also why I made scripts to help me add Alt Text to my posts), I'm talking about accessibility in the sense of how easy it is to access my stuff.
A major problem I've dealt with in my life and that led to me needing therapy for the past 2 years or so has dealt with what motivates me to do what I do.
Throughout the process of practicing better mental habits and emotional resilience, I've learned to focus inwards and do things for my own sake, and if that's not possible, then for the sake of doing them at all. I'd been wasting a lot of time trying to do them for the sake of other people's approval, which is a fool's errand - especially with how difficult it is to get and hold people's attention online nowadays (if you're still reading this, thank you).
Although I've made massive progress on this front over the years, that doesn't mean I've stopped making art for the benefit and enjoyment of other people. Far from it. I just feel like I rely on it way less now, but my drive to share and share alike is still there and I don't want to lose it either, because I know that people genuinely enjoy seeing my art.
My frustration and upset in my prior post is with how much harder this has gotten in a very short amount of time. Having a single point of failure (*cough cough* FurAffinity *cough*) is never a good thing, but the sheer amount of fragmentation and proprietary barriers put up within the community's online presence is fucking staggering now when compared to just 2 years ago, and it was pretty goddamn bad even back then!
I just want people to get to see and enjoy my art because I want it to be free, and the sheer glut of all these platforms popping up aren't facilitating that any more. They feel like a hindrance put between me and my audience, and that's what pisses me the fuck off.
Yes, PostyBirb exists and I use it too, and bless the devs who still maintain what feels like a Sisyphean task, especially given how bad it's gotten lately. But the choices that they make with how they maintain their software can and does act as another barrier in this painful layer cake of misery that is "Posting Online" for artists like me. I'm not a fan of having another third-party piece of software influencing and potentially dictating who can post and where they can do it, which is why I do it anyway even if it's unsupported and really annoying.
It sucks for me, and it sucks for the sites, but that's what I chose to do for myself
and my audience, too.
Thanks for reading.
I'm Genuinely Just So Fucking Fed Up of Posting Art
Posted 6 months agoSome sites have tags
Others don't
This one doesn't let you paste them as plaintext
Some let users filter content
Others don't
Some have alt text
Others don't
Those that do have their own ways to add it
Some have Content Warnings
Some that do have plaintext fields
Others have them in tags
This one also doesn't let you paste them as plaintext
Content warnings work differently on different sites so you need to account for that
Some use markdown
Some use BBCode
Some use HTML
Some apparently use some fucking batshit asinine combination of the above
At this rate I'm just going to give up, dump it all into a web folder somewhere and occasionally post a link to it to remind people where to find it all cause I'm just about at my fucking limit I swear to god
I am so fucking tired of it all and I've posted 3 things today
It's genuinely discouraging as an artist with a middling following and doing this full time cause it's entirely in my best interests and feels like a requirement to put up with this shit and subject myself to as much of it as I possibly can so I can reach my audience on all 50 of the currently existing platforms that will consider hosting my work, so long as I learn their content policy and upload processes or hope beyond all hope that PostyBirb's solo dev has had the time to support it and implement its upload process without any issues either
The sheer amount of ifs and elses in my glorified clipboard manager script is fucking asinine and even after having implemented like 95% of the features I'm still finding things that are missing or broken and which I'm having to do manually until I go back into the code to add them in as well and it's driving me insane
I literally have an entire little code loop including UI buttons to fetch and paste ***just*** the content warnings of a post on cohost, and another one for Mastodon, and it involves a motherfucking array and a goddamned loop
I shouldn't be having to do this shit just to save myself some time to maintain my online presence. This shouldn't have to be the thing that causes me burnout when I could instead be wearing myself down to the bone by making the fucking art in the first place. At least we'll have the art at the end of that strangled path
I not only want but have a physiological need for you all to know that this shit is really fucking difficult and extremely tiresome and there's a reason why I've been posting just about exclusively on my website for the past year or so
Others don't
This one doesn't let you paste them as plaintext
Some let users filter content
Others don't
Some have alt text
Others don't
Those that do have their own ways to add it
Some have Content Warnings
Some that do have plaintext fields
Others have them in tags
This one also doesn't let you paste them as plaintext
Content warnings work differently on different sites so you need to account for that
Some use markdown
Some use BBCode
Some use HTML
Some apparently use some fucking batshit asinine combination of the above
At this rate I'm just going to give up, dump it all into a web folder somewhere and occasionally post a link to it to remind people where to find it all cause I'm just about at my fucking limit I swear to god
I am so fucking tired of it all and I've posted 3 things today
It's genuinely discouraging as an artist with a middling following and doing this full time cause it's entirely in my best interests and feels like a requirement to put up with this shit and subject myself to as much of it as I possibly can so I can reach my audience on all 50 of the currently existing platforms that will consider hosting my work, so long as I learn their content policy and upload processes or hope beyond all hope that PostyBirb's solo dev has had the time to support it and implement its upload process without any issues either
The sheer amount of ifs and elses in my glorified clipboard manager script is fucking asinine and even after having implemented like 95% of the features I'm still finding things that are missing or broken and which I'm having to do manually until I go back into the code to add them in as well and it's driving me insane
I literally have an entire little code loop including UI buttons to fetch and paste ***just*** the content warnings of a post on cohost, and another one for Mastodon, and it involves a motherfucking array and a goddamned loop
I shouldn't be having to do this shit just to save myself some time to maintain my online presence. This shouldn't have to be the thing that causes me burnout when I could instead be wearing myself down to the bone by making the fucking art in the first place. At least we'll have the art at the end of that strangled path
I not only want but have a physiological need for you all to know that this shit is really fucking difficult and extremely tiresome and there's a reason why I've been posting just about exclusively on my website for the past year or so
Sitting Still; Moving Fast
Posted 6 months agoI've been terribly ill this past week, and even still it hasn't stopped me from moving forwards.
Without going into too much detail, I had the beginnings of a sore throat just before catching a very nasty stomach bug that surfaced this time last week, on Saturday night. The combination left me extremely weak and very much worse for wear, and even after recovering from that weekend from hell, it ultimately culminated in an agonizingly bad throat infection that lasted the rest of the week, denied me sleep, and has only started abating as of this morning.
Both episodes came dangerously close to delaying major stages in my transition journey, even after enjoying an entire year of decent physical health. The timing was abysmal.
The final major appointment for obtaining my HRT prescription was set for Monday morning, meaning that I had just about 24 hours to recover from a very unpleasant and physically draining night. Rescheduling would more than likely result in postponing the process by another 6 months, and I couldn't get confirmation on whether or not an exception could be made for me for a followup session any sooner than that.
Fortunately, this didn't stop me. I was definitely worse for wear and very much running on fumes given that I hadn't eaten any solid food in over a day, but I went in with my head held high, knowing exactly what I wanted from the doctor, and how to ask for it. After another week of agony and discomfort, I had a secondary appointment at the hospital just this morning, which wasn't quite as mission critical but that I needed to do before starting on HRT, and wanted to get done for my own sake.
With that done, I now have the all-clear to start medically transitioning. Just about a year late, thanks to my depression and the slow government process, but I finally got there. The timing might not have been what I wanted when I first set out on this journey, but in hindsight it all worked out well enough in the end. All that's left is to receive my entitlement letter for the meds, fill out some final paperwork with my doctor, and I'm off to the races.
Reflecting on all this while sitting here this afternoon, I came to the pleasant realization that despite spending an entire week struggling with and recovering from a lot of illness, I still managed to get past what are effectively two major milestones and barriers to entry for something I've wanted for several years already, and it's all very surreal to me right now.
The start of my TF into a bunnygirl is right around the corner. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited.
Without going into too much detail, I had the beginnings of a sore throat just before catching a very nasty stomach bug that surfaced this time last week, on Saturday night. The combination left me extremely weak and very much worse for wear, and even after recovering from that weekend from hell, it ultimately culminated in an agonizingly bad throat infection that lasted the rest of the week, denied me sleep, and has only started abating as of this morning.
Both episodes came dangerously close to delaying major stages in my transition journey, even after enjoying an entire year of decent physical health. The timing was abysmal.
The final major appointment for obtaining my HRT prescription was set for Monday morning, meaning that I had just about 24 hours to recover from a very unpleasant and physically draining night. Rescheduling would more than likely result in postponing the process by another 6 months, and I couldn't get confirmation on whether or not an exception could be made for me for a followup session any sooner than that.
Fortunately, this didn't stop me. I was definitely worse for wear and very much running on fumes given that I hadn't eaten any solid food in over a day, but I went in with my head held high, knowing exactly what I wanted from the doctor, and how to ask for it. After another week of agony and discomfort, I had a secondary appointment at the hospital just this morning, which wasn't quite as mission critical but that I needed to do before starting on HRT, and wanted to get done for my own sake.
With that done, I now have the all-clear to start medically transitioning. Just about a year late, thanks to my depression and the slow government process, but I finally got there. The timing might not have been what I wanted when I first set out on this journey, but in hindsight it all worked out well enough in the end. All that's left is to receive my entitlement letter for the meds, fill out some final paperwork with my doctor, and I'm off to the races.
Reflecting on all this while sitting here this afternoon, I came to the pleasant realization that despite spending an entire week struggling with and recovering from a lot of illness, I still managed to get past what are effectively two major milestones and barriers to entry for something I've wanted for several years already, and it's all very surreal to me right now.
The start of my TF into a bunnygirl is right around the corner. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited.
I've made mistakes and caused harm to my friends.
Posted a year agoHi everyone. I've been quiet following my last announcement.
I'll cut right to the chase - I've fucked everything up. I seriously hurt some of my partners and closest friends with my recent actions and caused a lot of lasting harm to many of those who've been most actively supportive of me for the past several years.
Without going into specifics or over-explaining things, quite simply: I betrayed the trust and disregarded the feelings of those I love the most in an egregious way. To make matters worse, it had a knock-on effect which caused a massive rift within several groups we shared.
I've done what I can to own up to my mistakes and try to help wherever possible, but the damage has been done and there's no way for me to take it back. I'm working on myself to figure out why this happened and how to avoid it in future, and slowly salvage my friends' trust after undermining it with my actions.
I'm choosing not to name names because while I think I can trust folks not to bother them about this, I don't want to even try taking that risk. I am taking responsibility for what I've done and working on accepting the consequences, as painful as that may be.
I didn't write this to ask for pity or support. It just didn't feel right being active online again without at least addressing the situation and why I've been absent.
Don't do like I did. Communicate actively with your partners.
I'll cut right to the chase - I've fucked everything up. I seriously hurt some of my partners and closest friends with my recent actions and caused a lot of lasting harm to many of those who've been most actively supportive of me for the past several years.
Without going into specifics or over-explaining things, quite simply: I betrayed the trust and disregarded the feelings of those I love the most in an egregious way. To make matters worse, it had a knock-on effect which caused a massive rift within several groups we shared.
I've done what I can to own up to my mistakes and try to help wherever possible, but the damage has been done and there's no way for me to take it back. I'm working on myself to figure out why this happened and how to avoid it in future, and slowly salvage my friends' trust after undermining it with my actions.
I'm choosing not to name names because while I think I can trust folks not to bother them about this, I don't want to even try taking that risk. I am taking responsibility for what I've done and working on accepting the consequences, as painful as that may be.
I didn't write this to ask for pity or support. It just didn't feel right being active online again without at least addressing the situation and why I've been absent.
Don't do like I did. Communicate actively with your partners.
Pride For All; Not Just Those Visible
Posted a year agoOn this first day of what I aim to make as affirming and positive a pride month for all as possible, I want to take a second to address something very important to me and close to my heart.
Up until two months ago, I was afraid of being seen. I wasn't ready, and deeply envied those who were. Just because I'm now in a happier, more motivated place than I was just a few months ago, I won't act like I was never struggling.
I won't act like I was never confident in my own delusion that I was fine presenting as cis. That I could get by. This isn't easy and it never was.
I don't want to have the same effect on those who are still struggling on their journey, or who have yet to even learn that they have one ahead of them. Pride is for everyone - even those who are figuring things out.
So for those of you who feel left out of pride because you can't celebrate alongside everybody else: I see you, and you're valid too. It might not feel like it right now, but we're all here waiting for when that day might arrive.
Hopefully sometime soon, whenever you're ready.
Up until two months ago, I was afraid of being seen. I wasn't ready, and deeply envied those who were. Just because I'm now in a happier, more motivated place than I was just a few months ago, I won't act like I was never struggling.
I won't act like I was never confident in my own delusion that I was fine presenting as cis. That I could get by. This isn't easy and it never was.
I don't want to have the same effect on those who are still struggling on their journey, or who have yet to even learn that they have one ahead of them. Pride is for everyone - even those who are figuring things out.
So for those of you who feel left out of pride because you can't celebrate alongside everybody else: I see you, and you're valid too. It might not feel like it right now, but we're all here waiting for when that day might arrive.
Hopefully sometime soon, whenever you're ready.
Hard Times; Unwanted Hiatus
Posted a year agoI'm sorry. Things have been extremely difficult for me lately, and I just got another curveball thrown my way. Although I'm still fighting, I feel like the effort I can make is waning every day and leaving little over for myself and my artwork.
I figured it was sensible to mention this in case anyone is wondering about the lack of new content starting from a couple weeks from now. I don't enjoy going on hiatuses like this and it feels like my work ought to take higher priority, but even without being overly dramatic, some days I've felt like I'm barely hanging on.
I've got another therapy session set for tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll give me some mental clarity, but I thought it might be best to post about all of this while it's current.
I'm still fighting and doing the best I can, but it's felt far, far harder for me than it has any business being and I'm running chronically low on stamina. I wish I could be stronger than this, but not being given the time I need to heal, and effectively getting kicked while I'm down is hardly conducive to me feeling happy and creative. I genuinely want to get back on the saddle as soon as I can, but I've got a lot on my plate; personally, mentally, emotionally, that I need to deal with.
I might have moments of ease when I might get some stuff done, but until I regain some stability I don't feel like I can make any real promises.
For the time being, I'm really grateful for your patience and continued support. Thank you.
I figured it was sensible to mention this in case anyone is wondering about the lack of new content starting from a couple weeks from now. I don't enjoy going on hiatuses like this and it feels like my work ought to take higher priority, but even without being overly dramatic, some days I've felt like I'm barely hanging on.
I've got another therapy session set for tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll give me some mental clarity, but I thought it might be best to post about all of this while it's current.
I'm still fighting and doing the best I can, but it's felt far, far harder for me than it has any business being and I'm running chronically low on stamina. I wish I could be stronger than this, but not being given the time I need to heal, and effectively getting kicked while I'm down is hardly conducive to me feeling happy and creative. I genuinely want to get back on the saddle as soon as I can, but I've got a lot on my plate; personally, mentally, emotionally, that I need to deal with.
I might have moments of ease when I might get some stuff done, but until I regain some stability I don't feel like I can make any real promises.
For the time being, I'm really grateful for your patience and continued support. Thank you.
Trying to Take Stock of Good and Bad (Big Life Update)
Posted 2 years agoI just got back from what was meant to be a working vacation for CFz, but things didn't quite work out as planned. I'm feeling good all things considered, but there's a lot to process and as always I don't feel like there's nearly enough time for me to do so in a productive way. I figured that taking some time to comb through those thoughts and feelings might help, even if a little bit.
(If you'd like to know what's been going on but lack the time to read through everything, I've included a short summary at the end of the post cause I realize this is quite long)
As I mentioned at the time, I caught Covid at the con, which affected me quite badly after I got back to my partner's place. While I didn't have the worst symptoms, having to self-isolate didn't come at the best time. I don't want to risk overstating things, but being left alone with my own thoughts for what was effectively a whole week was really rough on my mental health. I'd just been dropped back into normality from a long weekend full of affirming, comforting experiences where I could be my true self, and that was already hard to deal with by itself.
To make matters worse, while I was isolating I also learned that my longer-term plans of living in the UK were somewhat compromised. I've been wanting to spend more time there to be closer to my furry friends and poly partners, and get more of the same affirmation and reassurance that I got from the con into my everyday life. Realizing that it wasn't going to be nearly as easy as I'd anticipated was a shock, to say the least. I've still got to do more research into my exact situation to find out if I have any other options, but from what I've seen it seems I'd need to get a work visa at the very least in order to live there long-term, which means I'd have to get a job.
I've never been good at juggling multiple commitments at once - namely school or a full time job, plus doing art on the side - so this course of action would effectively mean changing my job from doing art to whatever I'm lucky enough to even find, let alone get accepted for.
To clarify where this exactly led me to, it felt like I had to make a choice between my ideal living situation and my ideal working situation. I've put more thought into things since then and it's perhaps not quite as stark a choice as that, but it still feels like I'm getting closer and closer to being forced to stop working full time on my own art and that's frankly a terrifying prospect. Having it pitted against my other personal needs only makes things worse.
Like I said, I still need to conduct some more research into whether I have any alternative options, but the resources I found on the UK Government website make it clear that I'm restricted in what I can do as far as living within the country, especially as a freelance artist. If you have any knowledge or advice on the matter or know someone who can help, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get in touch.
In other somewhat related news, progress with transitioning has felt slow, but somewhat steady. Getting to experiment openly at the con did a lot of good for me, and it affirmed (and validated) a lot of my wants and needs in the process. The return trip home was hard on me, but I realized that it was because I felt like I was going back to my "fake life," which I've grown tired of maintaining.
As a result, I decided to come out to my parents far earlier than I'd been planning, which I did just yesterday. It went well, and although their reactions were somewhat measured, the experience was positive and they're clearly being as supportive as they can despite having their own hangups and concerns. I also got word back from the gendercare clinic for my endocrinologist's appointment, which I think will involve some initial tests to get me started on HRT. It's in October, so still a little ways off, but I realize this is far and away a quicker turnaround than many trans folks have to deal with.
Being still at the very start of my long journey is daunting and frankly quite terrifying, and I'm having to fight against my own consistent lack of stamina in putting up with even the most minor of setbacks and challenges. The constant self doubt and dysphoria certainly don't help either, so it all adds up to what feels like a very arduous process despite having made good strides with starting on things.
Next; within the next two months, I'll be moving again. Realizing I'm trans led to me breaking up with one of my partners, who I currently still live with, and while things are thankfully still amicable between us, we knew we'd have to sort out our own living arrangements if we were going to move on in a healthy way. It's happening a little more quickly than I'd anticipated, but I'd rather rip that bandaid off quickly than spending more time and money to maintain a situation which is not that ideal for either of us.
I'm going to do my best not to let it get too much in the way of work cause my output has not been great even without these regular disruptions, but I'm not quite out of the woods just yet. This is all to get me to a place where I can do things at my own pace and hopefully maintain my momentum a little better too, so it will be a worthwhile effort.
As a brief but related aside; while spending time with my partner and watching some stuff together, I had a moment of agonizing clarity that it's felt like ages since I last had genuine fun while doing my work.
It's very much an issue related to (and caused by) all the other things I've been having to deal with in my life lately, but it's also a matter of my own state of mind. I'm not good at being present in the moment, so even when I'm actually achieving what I want and doing good at it, I'm distracted by worries and thoughts about other problems I'm faced with, or will have to deal with later on. It might take time to fix and has affected my work for a while now, but I'm aware of the issue and want to regain that sense of excitement about what I do. I really miss it.
In short summary;
CFz was great for me, Covid knocked me down from that really hard; I realized that I won't be able to live in the UK as easily as I'd hoped, which was very upsetting to learn (any help and advice is welcome); As a result I'm feeling like I'm getting closer to having to move on from doing furry art full time; I came out to my parents as trans and it went well; I should start HRT around October; I'm moving again starting from next month; and in light of all that, I feel like I've lost my spark while doing what matters most to me - my art.
It's been a hell of a lot to take on and very, very confusing to say the least. The constant conflict between maintaining a positive outlook and dealing with the setbacks and doubts has been difficult, especially given that they're issues related to my most closely held wants and needs. I'm trying to keep myself focused on what I can do to get the best outcomes possible, but compromising really isn't easy for me and can often feel like an all-or-nothing decision, even if the alternative is still a fairly good option.
(If you'd like to know what's been going on but lack the time to read through everything, I've included a short summary at the end of the post cause I realize this is quite long)
As I mentioned at the time, I caught Covid at the con, which affected me quite badly after I got back to my partner's place. While I didn't have the worst symptoms, having to self-isolate didn't come at the best time. I don't want to risk overstating things, but being left alone with my own thoughts for what was effectively a whole week was really rough on my mental health. I'd just been dropped back into normality from a long weekend full of affirming, comforting experiences where I could be my true self, and that was already hard to deal with by itself.
To make matters worse, while I was isolating I also learned that my longer-term plans of living in the UK were somewhat compromised. I've been wanting to spend more time there to be closer to my furry friends and poly partners, and get more of the same affirmation and reassurance that I got from the con into my everyday life. Realizing that it wasn't going to be nearly as easy as I'd anticipated was a shock, to say the least. I've still got to do more research into my exact situation to find out if I have any other options, but from what I've seen it seems I'd need to get a work visa at the very least in order to live there long-term, which means I'd have to get a job.
I've never been good at juggling multiple commitments at once - namely school or a full time job, plus doing art on the side - so this course of action would effectively mean changing my job from doing art to whatever I'm lucky enough to even find, let alone get accepted for.
To clarify where this exactly led me to, it felt like I had to make a choice between my ideal living situation and my ideal working situation. I've put more thought into things since then and it's perhaps not quite as stark a choice as that, but it still feels like I'm getting closer and closer to being forced to stop working full time on my own art and that's frankly a terrifying prospect. Having it pitted against my other personal needs only makes things worse.
Like I said, I still need to conduct some more research into whether I have any alternative options, but the resources I found on the UK Government website make it clear that I'm restricted in what I can do as far as living within the country, especially as a freelance artist. If you have any knowledge or advice on the matter or know someone who can help, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get in touch.
In other somewhat related news, progress with transitioning has felt slow, but somewhat steady. Getting to experiment openly at the con did a lot of good for me, and it affirmed (and validated) a lot of my wants and needs in the process. The return trip home was hard on me, but I realized that it was because I felt like I was going back to my "fake life," which I've grown tired of maintaining.
As a result, I decided to come out to my parents far earlier than I'd been planning, which I did just yesterday. It went well, and although their reactions were somewhat measured, the experience was positive and they're clearly being as supportive as they can despite having their own hangups and concerns. I also got word back from the gendercare clinic for my endocrinologist's appointment, which I think will involve some initial tests to get me started on HRT. It's in October, so still a little ways off, but I realize this is far and away a quicker turnaround than many trans folks have to deal with.
Being still at the very start of my long journey is daunting and frankly quite terrifying, and I'm having to fight against my own consistent lack of stamina in putting up with even the most minor of setbacks and challenges. The constant self doubt and dysphoria certainly don't help either, so it all adds up to what feels like a very arduous process despite having made good strides with starting on things.
Next; within the next two months, I'll be moving again. Realizing I'm trans led to me breaking up with one of my partners, who I currently still live with, and while things are thankfully still amicable between us, we knew we'd have to sort out our own living arrangements if we were going to move on in a healthy way. It's happening a little more quickly than I'd anticipated, but I'd rather rip that bandaid off quickly than spending more time and money to maintain a situation which is not that ideal for either of us.
I'm going to do my best not to let it get too much in the way of work cause my output has not been great even without these regular disruptions, but I'm not quite out of the woods just yet. This is all to get me to a place where I can do things at my own pace and hopefully maintain my momentum a little better too, so it will be a worthwhile effort.
As a brief but related aside; while spending time with my partner and watching some stuff together, I had a moment of agonizing clarity that it's felt like ages since I last had genuine fun while doing my work.
It's very much an issue related to (and caused by) all the other things I've been having to deal with in my life lately, but it's also a matter of my own state of mind. I'm not good at being present in the moment, so even when I'm actually achieving what I want and doing good at it, I'm distracted by worries and thoughts about other problems I'm faced with, or will have to deal with later on. It might take time to fix and has affected my work for a while now, but I'm aware of the issue and want to regain that sense of excitement about what I do. I really miss it.
In short summary;
CFz was great for me, Covid knocked me down from that really hard; I realized that I won't be able to live in the UK as easily as I'd hoped, which was very upsetting to learn (any help and advice is welcome); As a result I'm feeling like I'm getting closer to having to move on from doing furry art full time; I came out to my parents as trans and it went well; I should start HRT around October; I'm moving again starting from next month; and in light of all that, I feel like I've lost my spark while doing what matters most to me - my art.
It's been a hell of a lot to take on and very, very confusing to say the least. The constant conflict between maintaining a positive outlook and dealing with the setbacks and doubts has been difficult, especially given that they're issues related to my most closely held wants and needs. I'm trying to keep myself focused on what I can do to get the best outcomes possible, but compromising really isn't easy for me and can often feel like an all-or-nothing decision, even if the alternative is still a fairly good option.
I Have Covid.
Posted 2 years agoCaught it at CFz.
Not gonna sugarcoat it but at least the symptoms aren't too bad. Thank goodness for the vaccine.
Wish I could use the time somewhat productively but work will unfortunately be held up for a week or two again, at this rate.
Sorry.
Not gonna sugarcoat it but at least the symptoms aren't too bad. Thank goodness for the vaccine.
Wish I could use the time somewhat productively but work will unfortunately be held up for a week or two again, at this rate.
Sorry.
May ’22 Work Progress and Updates
Posted 2 years agoFigured I'd make a quick post regarding some things that might be going unnoticed in the background as of late. Got a couple of projects still ongoing and between maintaining my mental health and keeping focused on priority tasks, sometimes I can go a little quiet.
I've been in a bit of a low spell recently; I think I was a little overdue for one after being so productive last month, and I'm also still dealing with fallout from the big changes that have come about with my realizing I'm trans. You could call them growing pains, I suppose, but the uncertainty has definitely worn me down. I'm just trying to work my way through it carefully as I can, and continue supporting myself with my art as I figure things out bit by bit.
On that note, The Debauchery Drive has pretty much run its course by now, and I'm happy to say that it's been a resounding success. I really cannot thank everyone enough for their generosity, and I hope the art that will result from it will be worth it. The Donation Page will be up until the 19th next week, when I head up to the UK again to attend CFz. After that, I'll be replacing it with a regular tip jar.
I've been quietly updating the Drive's page as well as my Twitter feed, albeit less quietly, with the illustrations that I've gotten done so far. I plan on uploading them to my other galleries soon. There's another 11 of them I've got queued up to get done from goals that have already been reached, and plenty other goals to be reached besides that. Some of them are close to completion, too!
Here's a handy list of all the categories which are near their next goal:
Chocolate Taur (C2), Goal #1: €60 / 100
Ruby Sex Pet (R2), Goal #2: €170 / 175
Yasmin Stat Mods (Y2), Goal #2: €140 / 175
Isaac Wild Cards (S6), Goal #1: €57 / 85
In other art-related news, I've finally finished my commission queue from last year! I managed to pick up the pace fairly well towards the end, and I hope to keep it that way in future. Please note that I will be updating my prices before reopening, and the next batch will be reserved to my patrons when I'm back from CFz next month. If you'd like to grab a slot, be sure to pledge to my site before then.
And finally, yes; I will be at CFz this year and I hope to see you there too! I will be dealing and taking digital commissions with my brand new work setup, so please come and say hi if you're attending.
I've been in a bit of a low spell recently; I think I was a little overdue for one after being so productive last month, and I'm also still dealing with fallout from the big changes that have come about with my realizing I'm trans. You could call them growing pains, I suppose, but the uncertainty has definitely worn me down. I'm just trying to work my way through it carefully as I can, and continue supporting myself with my art as I figure things out bit by bit.
On that note, The Debauchery Drive has pretty much run its course by now, and I'm happy to say that it's been a resounding success. I really cannot thank everyone enough for their generosity, and I hope the art that will result from it will be worth it. The Donation Page will be up until the 19th next week, when I head up to the UK again to attend CFz. After that, I'll be replacing it with a regular tip jar.
I've been quietly updating the Drive's page as well as my Twitter feed, albeit less quietly, with the illustrations that I've gotten done so far. I plan on uploading them to my other galleries soon. There's another 11 of them I've got queued up to get done from goals that have already been reached, and plenty other goals to be reached besides that. Some of them are close to completion, too!
Here's a handy list of all the categories which are near their next goal:
Chocolate Taur (C2), Goal #1: €60 / 100
Ruby Sex Pet (R2), Goal #2: €170 / 175
Yasmin Stat Mods (Y2), Goal #2: €140 / 175
Isaac Wild Cards (S6), Goal #1: €57 / 85
In other art-related news, I've finally finished my commission queue from last year! I managed to pick up the pace fairly well towards the end, and I hope to keep it that way in future. Please note that I will be updating my prices before reopening, and the next batch will be reserved to my patrons when I'm back from CFz next month. If you'd like to grab a slot, be sure to pledge to my site before then.
And finally, yes; I will be at CFz this year and I hope to see you there too! I will be dealing and taking digital commissions with my brand new work setup, so please come and say hi if you're attending.
Back from Hiatus! Some Work and Life Updates
Posted 2 years agoHi all, it's been a while! Sorry for not mentioning anything about my absence any sooner, but I needed some time to myself given all that's been going on with me in the first short months of the year. I figured it'd be best to share a little update about getting back in the saddle, so you know what's been going on with me at least in retrospect.
Because of some of the recent drastic changes in my life, I've invested in new equipment for a portable work setup. I've always wanted to try having a more nomadic lifestyle, and I'm taking the opportunity now that it's presented itself again. Unfortunately, the laptop I ordered has been held up over and over for the past two months thanks to order fuckups and parts shortages. For now though, I've at least gotten my hands on the most essential part of the kit (which I'll be revealing in tonight's return stream), so I can get a head start on practicing with it until I need it for CFz.
I want to thank everyone who's contributed to the Debauchery Drive, which is still technically ongoing. It's helped me make ends meet after having put down quite a bit of money for work and transition related stuff, and I'll be picking up that project again real soon. There's several more illustrations that have met their goals and I'm looking forward to getting them done for you all.
Further to that, I had my first appointment for gender therapy just yesterday. It was a preliminary checkup to assess the severity of my situation, and what services and help I need to get to where I want to be. Although I went into it feeling optimistic, albeit a little nervous, I was still impressed by how kind and understanding the consultant and therapist were while asking questions and listening to me. The next step is a psych checkup to make sure I'm able to give informed consent for whatever therapy I want to sign up for, but voice training and an endocrinologist appointment for HRT are pretty much already in the pipeline. I'm still nervous and a little apprehensive, but it's very exciting nonetheless.
I'd really like to properly gear up on my artwork again sometime soon, and I've been thinking about a new schedule for online activities like streaming and Discord events, so stay tuned for that. For the time being I'll just be resuming streaming sessions at my usual time tonight, and I hope to see you there.
Because of some of the recent drastic changes in my life, I've invested in new equipment for a portable work setup. I've always wanted to try having a more nomadic lifestyle, and I'm taking the opportunity now that it's presented itself again. Unfortunately, the laptop I ordered has been held up over and over for the past two months thanks to order fuckups and parts shortages. For now though, I've at least gotten my hands on the most essential part of the kit (which I'll be revealing in tonight's return stream), so I can get a head start on practicing with it until I need it for CFz.
I want to thank everyone who's contributed to the Debauchery Drive, which is still technically ongoing. It's helped me make ends meet after having put down quite a bit of money for work and transition related stuff, and I'll be picking up that project again real soon. There's several more illustrations that have met their goals and I'm looking forward to getting them done for you all.
Further to that, I had my first appointment for gender therapy just yesterday. It was a preliminary checkup to assess the severity of my situation, and what services and help I need to get to where I want to be. Although I went into it feeling optimistic, albeit a little nervous, I was still impressed by how kind and understanding the consultant and therapist were while asking questions and listening to me. The next step is a psych checkup to make sure I'm able to give informed consent for whatever therapy I want to sign up for, but voice training and an endocrinologist appointment for HRT are pretty much already in the pipeline. I'm still nervous and a little apprehensive, but it's very exciting nonetheless.
I'd really like to properly gear up on my artwork again sometime soon, and I've been thinking about a new schedule for online activities like streaming and Discord events, so stay tuned for that. For the time being I'll just be resuming streaming sessions at my usual time tonight, and I hope to see you there.
Commissions and Twitter Raffle Soon; Prices Updated
Posted 3 years agoHi everyone!
Just wanted to get the early word out that I plan on reopening commissions publicly again soon, before switching back to my Patron priority queuing system.
I will be using my new prices for this next batch, which you'll find on my listings page on FA. I have price lists for refsheets and comic pages pending upload, which I should hopefully get done over the next few days. They'll be accessible there, if so.
Furthermore, to celebrate getting past several significant follower milestones on Twitter, I'll be running a fun little raffle for free art on there.
I don't wanna give too much away, but if you'd like to get a head start preparing for that, you might wanna follow my Twitter art account, then browse my art galleries and pick some faves.
Stay tuned!
Just wanted to get the early word out that I plan on reopening commissions publicly again soon, before switching back to my Patron priority queuing system.
I will be using my new prices for this next batch, which you'll find on my listings page on FA. I have price lists for refsheets and comic pages pending upload, which I should hopefully get done over the next few days. They'll be accessible there, if so.
Furthermore, to celebrate getting past several significant follower milestones on Twitter, I'll be running a fun little raffle for free art on there.
I don't wanna give too much away, but if you'd like to get a head start preparing for that, you might wanna follow my Twitter art account, then browse my art galleries and pick some faves.
Stay tuned!
On Vicarious Thrill (Vent/Self-Reflection)
Posted 3 years agoIt's late at night at the end of a day I set aside for rest, and boredom turned its sights inwards to latch onto whatever the insecurity of choice might be.
Tonight's is my long-standing fear that folks don't identify with where I've gone with my art, and it's no longer as much of a source of wish-fulfilment for them as it used to be.
I can't deny that sexual gratification is still the main goal of what I do, and it's fine if that's mostly what folks get out of it; but there's a lot of myself that goes into what I make and how I do it. I've felt a lot like that aspect of it no longer resonates with, or has outright alienated some of my audience.
For as long as I can remember, a major part of what I do has been motivated by providing folks with a source of escapism and self-fulfilment via the fantasies in my art. Over the past couple of years I've wanted to shift the focus more towards stories I'd like to tell by way of the characters I've made and the worlds they weave around themselves; however, I wonder if it's a bit too much to ask of most folks to follow along with the stories mostly implied by the art I share - that it could be just a little impenetrable and harder to get invested in now.
It's a scary prospect that my own choices might have undermined people's interest in and the self-fulfilment they glean from what I make. It's also not something that can be easily quantified or helped either way. I'm still gonna keep striving for what I find most satisfying to make, and I hope I continue being lucky enough to have an audience who enjoys it enough to keep me afloat while I do it.
I think I prefer being overly aware of myself as opposed to lacking the ability of self-reflection, but today was meant to be a day off. Would be nice if my self-doubt didn't creep in so consistently whenever I've been disciplined enough to give myself time to relax, is all.
Tonight's is my long-standing fear that folks don't identify with where I've gone with my art, and it's no longer as much of a source of wish-fulfilment for them as it used to be.
I can't deny that sexual gratification is still the main goal of what I do, and it's fine if that's mostly what folks get out of it; but there's a lot of myself that goes into what I make and how I do it. I've felt a lot like that aspect of it no longer resonates with, or has outright alienated some of my audience.
For as long as I can remember, a major part of what I do has been motivated by providing folks with a source of escapism and self-fulfilment via the fantasies in my art. Over the past couple of years I've wanted to shift the focus more towards stories I'd like to tell by way of the characters I've made and the worlds they weave around themselves; however, I wonder if it's a bit too much to ask of most folks to follow along with the stories mostly implied by the art I share - that it could be just a little impenetrable and harder to get invested in now.
It's a scary prospect that my own choices might have undermined people's interest in and the self-fulfilment they glean from what I make. It's also not something that can be easily quantified or helped either way. I'm still gonna keep striving for what I find most satisfying to make, and I hope I continue being lucky enough to have an audience who enjoys it enough to keep me afloat while I do it.
I think I prefer being overly aware of myself as opposed to lacking the ability of self-reflection, but today was meant to be a day off. Would be nice if my self-doubt didn't creep in so consistently whenever I've been disciplined enough to give myself time to relax, is all.
Getting My Footing Back
Posted 3 years agoI'm sure a lot of you have heard the news by now that I have my first stream at the new studio scheduled for this Thursday the 21st, at 6PM CET. As you might have guessed, this comes as a result of things having settled considerably since my last blog post here.
Shortcake has since been cleared of Covid thanks to a supplementary test we booked over the weekend - about halfway through our mandatory quarantine. I also tested negative, meaning that I managed to keep away from the infection and we can both rest easy now. Since then we've been getting around to enjoying each other's company properly for the first time since she moved in, which has helped my mental health tremendously.
In the meantime, we've both been working hard to make the house we're renting together into a home. With a lot of the heavy lifting done and dusted, I've been able to shift my focus back onto work as I'd originally planned last week; hence the celebratory inaugural stream planned for later this week.
Once again, I want to thank you all for your immense patience with me during these trying times. It's stressful enough as it is to stay afloat while managing my time and energy between all that's important to me, but knowing I have a lovely community and supporters to come back to when I'm able to is very reassuring.
I'm doing my best to do just that, so stay tuned.
Thanks again.
Shortcake has since been cleared of Covid thanks to a supplementary test we booked over the weekend - about halfway through our mandatory quarantine. I also tested negative, meaning that I managed to keep away from the infection and we can both rest easy now. Since then we've been getting around to enjoying each other's company properly for the first time since she moved in, which has helped my mental health tremendously.
In the meantime, we've both been working hard to make the house we're renting together into a home. With a lot of the heavy lifting done and dusted, I've been able to shift my focus back onto work as I'd originally planned last week; hence the celebratory inaugural stream planned for later this week.
Once again, I want to thank you all for your immense patience with me during these trying times. It's stressful enough as it is to stay afloat while managing my time and energy between all that's important to me, but knowing I have a lovely community and supporters to come back to when I'm able to is very reassuring.
I'm doing my best to do just that, so stay tuned.
Thanks again.
Covid Interruptions
Posted 3 years agoHi all. I hoped not to ever have to make this post, but here we are.
This past week has been pretty busy just in general, with me going full force getting my new place liveable and my work equipment set up, but it quickly got very chaotic over and above all of that.
My mom tested positive for covid earlier this week, which was a shock cause the only reason she got tested was for some unrelated, routine hospital interventions. We would've completely missed it otherwise, cause she was pretty much asymptomatic. She's perfectly fine, and has since tested negative - literally 4 days after the first test. It's bizarre, but it's what led to the latest thing.
Shortcake (one of my partners) and I went in to get tested together as a precaution. My test came up negative but hers was positive. We had to fast-track her moving in with me (we planned on getting it done over the course of the next 2 weeks) to protect her parents, and we're now under enforced quarantine. She's doing perfectly fine, but we're taking some measures to reduce my risk until she gets past it.
Needless to say, things have been thrown into a bit of a tailspin. We're minimizing the time we spend in the same rooms, at the very least until we get some more sanitizing supplies. As a result, the time I have access to my just-finished work setup is limited and even then, keeping distance from someone living in the same house does tend to slow things down.
TL;DR: Covid's gotten in the way of plans, so my hiatus from streams has been extended and art production will be slow to say the least. I hate that this keeps happening but my plans continue getting upended despite my best efforts. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
This past week has been pretty busy just in general, with me going full force getting my new place liveable and my work equipment set up, but it quickly got very chaotic over and above all of that.
My mom tested positive for covid earlier this week, which was a shock cause the only reason she got tested was for some unrelated, routine hospital interventions. We would've completely missed it otherwise, cause she was pretty much asymptomatic. She's perfectly fine, and has since tested negative - literally 4 days after the first test. It's bizarre, but it's what led to the latest thing.
Shortcake (one of my partners) and I went in to get tested together as a precaution. My test came up negative but hers was positive. We had to fast-track her moving in with me (we planned on getting it done over the course of the next 2 weeks) to protect her parents, and we're now under enforced quarantine. She's doing perfectly fine, but we're taking some measures to reduce my risk until she gets past it.
Needless to say, things have been thrown into a bit of a tailspin. We're minimizing the time we spend in the same rooms, at the very least until we get some more sanitizing supplies. As a result, the time I have access to my just-finished work setup is limited and even then, keeping distance from someone living in the same house does tend to slow things down.
TL;DR: Covid's gotten in the way of plans, so my hiatus from streams has been extended and art production will be slow to say the least. I hate that this keeps happening but my plans continue getting upended despite my best efforts. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Giving a Voice to Fear and Shame
Posted 3 years agoI think the one thing I hate the most about this crazy career of mine is that my worst slumps have me begrudging others' success.
I end up not being able to celebrate and enjoy my peers' fantastic, amazing artwork because I feel like it reflects negatively on me not keeping up. It's an irrational impulse and I acknowledge it as being just that, but it still affects me harshly and is really scary to admit to. It feels like I'm outing myself as being a very petty, jealous, selfish and egotistical person, even if it only comes out when I'm at my worst.
Ultimately it's all motivated by a feeling of shame, cause I've never felt like I manage to maintain a consistent pace or good momentum with my work for more than a couple weeks at a time. Unless I'm going at a fairly leisurely pace, which never feels like enough, I tire fast. While I've been happier trying to focus on what I want to create without worrying about "numbers," per se, cashflow is a constant burden.
2020 was the worst for it in hindsight, but I had planned for it to be the year that I make this work, or start looking into alternatives.
Other factors aside, I've often felt like I haven't put enough of my energy into the right places to earn my success and stability doing this gig. I'm eternally grateful for the support everyone gives me, but since the struggle hasn't abated much at all, I continue to worry.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm giving up here; I want to keep fighting as much as I can to see this through. This is a recurring fear of mine that, as time goes by, gets to me worse and worse each time I find myself doubting.
Giving it a voice helps me cope, so thanks for hearing me out.
I end up not being able to celebrate and enjoy my peers' fantastic, amazing artwork because I feel like it reflects negatively on me not keeping up. It's an irrational impulse and I acknowledge it as being just that, but it still affects me harshly and is really scary to admit to. It feels like I'm outing myself as being a very petty, jealous, selfish and egotistical person, even if it only comes out when I'm at my worst.
Ultimately it's all motivated by a feeling of shame, cause I've never felt like I manage to maintain a consistent pace or good momentum with my work for more than a couple weeks at a time. Unless I'm going at a fairly leisurely pace, which never feels like enough, I tire fast. While I've been happier trying to focus on what I want to create without worrying about "numbers," per se, cashflow is a constant burden.
2020 was the worst for it in hindsight, but I had planned for it to be the year that I make this work, or start looking into alternatives.
Other factors aside, I've often felt like I haven't put enough of my energy into the right places to earn my success and stability doing this gig. I'm eternally grateful for the support everyone gives me, but since the struggle hasn't abated much at all, I continue to worry.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm giving up here; I want to keep fighting as much as I can to see this through. This is a recurring fear of mine that, as time goes by, gets to me worse and worse each time I find myself doubting.
Giving it a voice helps me cope, so thanks for hearing me out.
Moving Time is Stressful Time (But Going Well)
Posted 3 years agoHello everyone! Just wanted to write another quick, once-in-a-while journal to fill in the gap in activity. I'm still around! I'm just a little preoccupied with life stuff right now.
If you saw, about two weeks ago I held a series of special streams to celebrate the three-plus years I spent creating content at my studio before I pack up shop to move in together with my partner. We found a great opportunity to live together and I'm currently neck deep in getting everything ready for that. It's turned out to be a little more involved and tiring than I expected; just making sure I don't forget anything along the way. I really want it to go well, but I've been losing myself in recreation a lot more to compensate.
That having been said, most things are moving along very, very smoothly! I'm getting very excited to see it through, and make use of the new venue for hosting plenty more streams and making kinky content. I'm working hard so that I can get back into things as soon and easily as possible.
I have a fair bit of content lined up for upload, but even that is its own creative process since I like to add flavour text to everything I post for you guys. It's unfortunately gotten a little held up as a result.
That's about it! Really just wanted to check in with everybody who might not be subscribed to my other more active channels, and let you know that I'm still going at it despite my lack of uploads as of late. Thanks for your continued support, love you all!
If you saw, about two weeks ago I held a series of special streams to celebrate the three-plus years I spent creating content at my studio before I pack up shop to move in together with my partner. We found a great opportunity to live together and I'm currently neck deep in getting everything ready for that. It's turned out to be a little more involved and tiring than I expected; just making sure I don't forget anything along the way. I really want it to go well, but I've been losing myself in recreation a lot more to compensate.
That having been said, most things are moving along very, very smoothly! I'm getting very excited to see it through, and make use of the new venue for hosting plenty more streams and making kinky content. I'm working hard so that I can get back into things as soon and easily as possible.
I have a fair bit of content lined up for upload, but even that is its own creative process since I like to add flavour text to everything I post for you guys. It's unfortunately gotten a little held up as a result.
That's about it! Really just wanted to check in with everybody who might not be subscribed to my other more active channels, and let you know that I'm still going at it despite my lack of uploads as of late. Thanks for your continued support, love you all!
Crazy Month of May
Posted 4 years agoHey everyone, just thought I'd post a quick update about what's been going on, how I've been lately, and what's coming up for you all.
As most of you probably already know, I hosted my very first panel during a con just last weekend, for Virtual CFz. Although it was an online con, the idea was submitted and accepted for the event before it was unfortunately cancelled for obvious reasons. It went even better than I'd anticipated, and I was actually quite confident about the show going into it. The VOD has since been uploaded to ConFuzzled's site, so if you missed out on that you can go there to check it out at your leisure.
The entire runup to the big day was extremely stressful and I'm still not yet out of the woods as I wrap up a few remaining tasks for the month before we move into June. It's been pretty intense, but definitely worth the effort.
As a celebration for the achievement and a little treat for my community, I will be hosting a viewing party on my own stream tomorrow night, sometime between 10:30 and 11:30PM CEST. The exact time will vary depending on when I get done with whatever I'm doing prior to then, but I will post a second notification to my usual stream announcement locations before we begin that part of the show.
On that note, if you're not following me on Telegram, Discord, Twitter or Inkbunny you should probably do so if you wanna attend more streams in future!
As for new content, I've got a whole boatload of stuff ready for upload. I hope you'll enjoy it when I get that done!
As most of you probably already know, I hosted my very first panel during a con just last weekend, for Virtual CFz. Although it was an online con, the idea was submitted and accepted for the event before it was unfortunately cancelled for obvious reasons. It went even better than I'd anticipated, and I was actually quite confident about the show going into it. The VOD has since been uploaded to ConFuzzled's site, so if you missed out on that you can go there to check it out at your leisure.
The entire runup to the big day was extremely stressful and I'm still not yet out of the woods as I wrap up a few remaining tasks for the month before we move into June. It's been pretty intense, but definitely worth the effort.
As a celebration for the achievement and a little treat for my community, I will be hosting a viewing party on my own stream tomorrow night, sometime between 10:30 and 11:30PM CEST. The exact time will vary depending on when I get done with whatever I'm doing prior to then, but I will post a second notification to my usual stream announcement locations before we begin that part of the show.
On that note, if you're not following me on Telegram, Discord, Twitter or Inkbunny you should probably do so if you wanna attend more streams in future!
As for new content, I've got a whole boatload of stuff ready for upload. I hope you'll enjoy it when I get that done!
Overcoming Self-Constraints
Posted 4 years agoLately, I thought that working on some more neutral content (namely, character sheets for my little posse of OCs) would help ease me into regaining some confidence in my own work, but the insecurity has only persisted. I hate being in this state, cause it gets me into a mental catch 22.
One of the best solutions to breaking out of an art block is making things. Unfortunately, when I'm feeling exceedingly insecure, what I make isn't good for this. The selective bias boils down to, "what I've achieved was trivial, what I've yet to attempt is insurmountable." Worse still, seeing others' fantastic work broadly has an effect counter to inspiration. "It's been done now, likely better than you'll manage it if you tried."
It only further discourages me from focusing on my strengths since I'm too busy regretting the ideas I didn't have. Don't even get me started on the troublesome ideas surrounding the use of reference material and maintaining originality within this community.
I've been trying hard to train myself out of worrying about that and just focus on making good art, derivative or not. It's not easy. This is very much a "me" problem, but when I'm in my vulnerable state, any new idea I see is simply territory that's no longer accessible to me. Basically, someone's "claimed" it. Anything related will be derivative. Copying is verboten, but where is the line?
It's ridiculous.
I can't wait until I've found my groove within a little niche of my own style of personal content, even though I still hope to tackle a fairly diverse spread of themes. Right now, though, I still feel paralyzed cause of so many different factors and choices available to me.
I have some direction now, at least. That's better than I was when I launched my site and migrated from Patreon, but there's still a long road ahead of me to feel like I'm really creating what I consider "my own" content again. I'll be dealing with growing pains until then.
Thanks for reading through this. I'm okay, I just have some self-destructive ideas about what constitutes acceptable work, which I have yet to reconcile. I know they aren't true, but they still hold a lot of sway in how I do my thing.
I think the one thing that hurts the most is that by now, it ought to be as easy for me as "just drawing," but it isn't yet.
I'll get there, though.
One of the best solutions to breaking out of an art block is making things. Unfortunately, when I'm feeling exceedingly insecure, what I make isn't good for this. The selective bias boils down to, "what I've achieved was trivial, what I've yet to attempt is insurmountable." Worse still, seeing others' fantastic work broadly has an effect counter to inspiration. "It's been done now, likely better than you'll manage it if you tried."
It only further discourages me from focusing on my strengths since I'm too busy regretting the ideas I didn't have. Don't even get me started on the troublesome ideas surrounding the use of reference material and maintaining originality within this community.
I've been trying hard to train myself out of worrying about that and just focus on making good art, derivative or not. It's not easy. This is very much a "me" problem, but when I'm in my vulnerable state, any new idea I see is simply territory that's no longer accessible to me. Basically, someone's "claimed" it. Anything related will be derivative. Copying is verboten, but where is the line?
It's ridiculous.
I can't wait until I've found my groove within a little niche of my own style of personal content, even though I still hope to tackle a fairly diverse spread of themes. Right now, though, I still feel paralyzed cause of so many different factors and choices available to me.
I have some direction now, at least. That's better than I was when I launched my site and migrated from Patreon, but there's still a long road ahead of me to feel like I'm really creating what I consider "my own" content again. I'll be dealing with growing pains until then.
Thanks for reading through this. I'm okay, I just have some self-destructive ideas about what constitutes acceptable work, which I have yet to reconcile. I know they aren't true, but they still hold a lot of sway in how I do my thing.
I think the one thing that hurts the most is that by now, it ought to be as easy for me as "just drawing," but it isn't yet.
I'll get there, though.
Chocolate's Candy Shop is Open For Business!
Posted 4 years agoChocolate's Candy Shop is now open for business! It's a place where you can support my work and get cool perks.
So, I've finally finished setting up my new site, which replaces my Patreon page. I would've liked to launch it in a bigger way, but I'll never get around to it if I held off for that. Until I think of something better, here's my launch announcement. I hope you'll join in.
It involved a lot of effort and exhausting work that took time away from me making more art over the past 2-3 months or so.
But now, I've reclaimed my creative freedom and rid myself of the anxiety that comes with someone else calling the shots on what I can and cannot create.
It might not be a lot of content to go off of as of right now, especially with the dry spell of uploaded content. However, all the technical work has given me a lot of time to think about what I want to do with this newfound freedom, and I'm pretty confident that you'll like it.
Thank you for your support and patience while I worked through this difficult period in my career. I'm looking forward to getting back in the saddle and producing more and better content for everybody.
https://support.the.choco.one/
So, I've finally finished setting up my new site, which replaces my Patreon page. I would've liked to launch it in a bigger way, but I'll never get around to it if I held off for that. Until I think of something better, here's my launch announcement. I hope you'll join in.
It involved a lot of effort and exhausting work that took time away from me making more art over the past 2-3 months or so.
But now, I've reclaimed my creative freedom and rid myself of the anxiety that comes with someone else calling the shots on what I can and cannot create.
It might not be a lot of content to go off of as of right now, especially with the dry spell of uploaded content. However, all the technical work has given me a lot of time to think about what I want to do with this newfound freedom, and I'm pretty confident that you'll like it.
Thank you for your support and patience while I worked through this difficult period in my career. I'm looking forward to getting back in the saddle and producing more and better content for everybody.
Difficult Times
Posted 4 years agoThings have been extremely trying this past month.
Foreword: I realize this is a long and depressing post despite my efforts to keep it brief. If you take one thing away from this post, it's that a lot of artists in this community work alone and deal with a lot of shit in the background while trying to stay motivated and productive. Showing support to your favourite artists is invaluable to them and can drag them out of a funk on their worst days. You're valued and important.
I haven't felt too comfortable talking about things openly because of "reasons" but bottling it up has only made it worse. I just want to sum up what I've been through as briefly as possible in case anyone's wondering what's been going on. I haven't been as productive as I'd like to be.
Things just keep getting in the way of my projects and plans and it's frankly led to what feels like the lowest point in my career doing this full-time. Here's the play-by-play:
NB: This isn't a plea for people to donate or pledge to me. Don't do it because of this. The financial situation I'm in is largely my own fault cause I chose to make the most of my vacation and not limit my spending there. I still intend to start taking commissions as soon as I can manage.
- Patreon went on record last month that TF and Hypno art is effectively banned from their platform. I spend weeks making measures to migrate away from the platform. There are no good options immediately available to me, largely caused by the fact that Stripe isn't available in my country.
- I effectively research and exhaust every possible alternative funding/payment handling platform, realizing that my options are basically limited to PayPal and Crypto. Not a reassuring position to be in.
- The time spent on research and damage control is lost from possibly taking on commissions to bolster my finances. I also had to advise patrons to scale back their pledges cause of the changes I need to make to my Patreon page to mitigate damage.
- 2 weeks after the news with Patreon, I go on a trip that was planned for over 6 months prior. The vacation goes great, but I'm left effectively broke after the fact. Patron pledges help me to bounce back a bit at the start of the month.
- Plans I had in motion prior to the trip fall through completely. The accountant I contacted to help me ghosts me, while their associate lawyer gives me shitty advice that stresses me out further.
- Badly written laws in my country's criminal code make me think that the decriminalization of pornography from three years back got rolled back. The lawyer did literally jack shit to clarify this for me, and no other law firms will help me. This is now cleared up, but not before losing another 4 or 5 days to stress and abject panic.
- Receive a bill from the lawyer. It's a lot more than I was expecting, and even more than what they deserve. Finances are thoroughly shot.
To top it all off, I hurt my wrist while trying to just enjoy my Summer in the midst of all of this. It still hasn't fully healed, which makes it difficult for me to just lose myself in work and pick up the slack. I also haven't yet fixed the Patreon problem, though I have made some progress thanks to Tiff bunny's help. Last night also brought news about the porn ban being upheld on tumblr despite it getting sold off, which just got me on my last legs.
I'm exhausted. Exhausted of feeling like I don't deserve to exist. That what I'm striving to achieve needs to be restricted and regulated off the face of the Earth.
I'm still determined to bounce back, but right now, I'm just disappointed about all these ideas and progress I've had to postpone for longer and longer because of setbacks I shouldn't be dealing with.
Nobody can or even should solve my problems for me, but like I said up top; please remember to support your favourite artists. You are why we do this, so your feedback and enthusiasm is what keeps us going. Creativity is more draining than most would let on, so being reminded that those efforts are appreciated can help us through some very dark and trying times.
Thanks for reading this. Sometimes the hardest part of all this is the lingering thought that people might not care much about what I'm going through. I know it's not true for most of you here, but that doesn't allay the anxiety on my worst days.
Foreword: I realize this is a long and depressing post despite my efforts to keep it brief. If you take one thing away from this post, it's that a lot of artists in this community work alone and deal with a lot of shit in the background while trying to stay motivated and productive. Showing support to your favourite artists is invaluable to them and can drag them out of a funk on their worst days. You're valued and important.
I haven't felt too comfortable talking about things openly because of "reasons" but bottling it up has only made it worse. I just want to sum up what I've been through as briefly as possible in case anyone's wondering what's been going on. I haven't been as productive as I'd like to be.
Things just keep getting in the way of my projects and plans and it's frankly led to what feels like the lowest point in my career doing this full-time. Here's the play-by-play:
NB: This isn't a plea for people to donate or pledge to me. Don't do it because of this. The financial situation I'm in is largely my own fault cause I chose to make the most of my vacation and not limit my spending there. I still intend to start taking commissions as soon as I can manage.
- Patreon went on record last month that TF and Hypno art is effectively banned from their platform. I spend weeks making measures to migrate away from the platform. There are no good options immediately available to me, largely caused by the fact that Stripe isn't available in my country.
- I effectively research and exhaust every possible alternative funding/payment handling platform, realizing that my options are basically limited to PayPal and Crypto. Not a reassuring position to be in.
- The time spent on research and damage control is lost from possibly taking on commissions to bolster my finances. I also had to advise patrons to scale back their pledges cause of the changes I need to make to my Patreon page to mitigate damage.
- 2 weeks after the news with Patreon, I go on a trip that was planned for over 6 months prior. The vacation goes great, but I'm left effectively broke after the fact. Patron pledges help me to bounce back a bit at the start of the month.
- Plans I had in motion prior to the trip fall through completely. The accountant I contacted to help me ghosts me, while their associate lawyer gives me shitty advice that stresses me out further.
- Badly written laws in my country's criminal code make me think that the decriminalization of pornography from three years back got rolled back. The lawyer did literally jack shit to clarify this for me, and no other law firms will help me. This is now cleared up, but not before losing another 4 or 5 days to stress and abject panic.
- Receive a bill from the lawyer. It's a lot more than I was expecting, and even more than what they deserve. Finances are thoroughly shot.
To top it all off, I hurt my wrist while trying to just enjoy my Summer in the midst of all of this. It still hasn't fully healed, which makes it difficult for me to just lose myself in work and pick up the slack. I also haven't yet fixed the Patreon problem, though I have made some progress thanks to Tiff bunny's help. Last night also brought news about the porn ban being upheld on tumblr despite it getting sold off, which just got me on my last legs.
I'm exhausted. Exhausted of feeling like I don't deserve to exist. That what I'm striving to achieve needs to be restricted and regulated off the face of the Earth.
I'm still determined to bounce back, but right now, I'm just disappointed about all these ideas and progress I've had to postpone for longer and longer because of setbacks I shouldn't be dealing with.
Nobody can or even should solve my problems for me, but like I said up top; please remember to support your favourite artists. You are why we do this, so your feedback and enthusiasm is what keeps us going. Creativity is more draining than most would let on, so being reminded that those efforts are appreciated can help us through some very dark and trying times.
Thanks for reading this. Sometimes the hardest part of all this is the lingering thought that people might not care much about what I'm going through. I know it's not true for most of you here, but that doesn't allay the anxiety on my worst days.