Nostalgia is Strange
Posted a week agoI want to talk about nostalgia today, it's a huge part of my life and affects me every other day. The word nostalgia comes from the Greek word nostos (νόστος) which means the act of returning to a place and algos (ἄλγος) which means pain. It's kind of a beautiful word in the sense of meaning the pain of wanting to return to a place. I think in our day and age it's been reduced to something a bit softer like pleasant reminiscence. To me, it's not only that but a deep and aching pain that often brings me to tears but with so much simultaneous joy in the beauty of having been able to experience something. I feel like I've lived so many lifetimes of experiences and it's both so wonderful and saddening. The more incredible snapshots of wonderful combinations of the senses and emotions that I have the more I crave them as they were, years after when they are gone. Even if I re-experience similarly it'll never truly be the same. The era, the tone, and the context are all lost to time in the most bittersweet way.
I often feel nostalgia when remembering my days in animal rehabilitation and hospice reserves. Having to get shots for hepatitis B, rabies, Tdap, the flu... just to interact with these incredible monsters. I remember the sweetness and tantrums when they would shed my blood by just playing around but also feel so sorry that they did. The fear of their strength but the trust in the authority and respect they gave me. Maybe a lot of it was gratefulness that I would tend to them even when they were angry, hungry, or in pain. I miss those times when I had the arms of a bear draped over my shoulders or a silly lion making a goofy "come rub my belly" face. I also remember the gross and difficult parts like suffering through cleaning, heavy lifting, and them spiting me for giving them painful medicine that they needed. It was all worth it though when you could see that glimmer of thankfulness in their eyes. The aches and nastiness and effort all for a better life of such amazing creatures. I wish I could go back for a day and kiss one of those bears right on their gross, wet nose just one more time. I guess I empathized with knowing what it feels like to need help to flourish in your environment, and also to accept that it may never be and to need and accept reliance. Most of those animals were to grow old and die there on those reserves, but also, it was sad when the ones that got healthy enough would leave back to their wild forever, but it was also beautiful. Sometimes on a hot day I close my eyes and feel the sun on my body and just for a moment... I can smell the pens and feed, I can smell the animals and the water and the concrete and soil. Just when I try to focus on it, it runs away from me and I try to chase it but it's long gone. It brings me to tears. Even if I had the chance to do something like that again I probably wouldn't as it's not safe for me anymore, my immune system is too suppressed to have prolonged contact with animals and even people. It makes the nostalgia feel that much more bitter and as it may truly be a bygone experience for me and my life forever.
I also not only have nostalgia for simple feelings and scenes, but also coziness or fear, wanting or sorrow in the past. Things like a hot fall day in a corn field or sitting on a heap of hay on a ranch in Nebraska a long time ago. The feeling of light rain and warm wind, the smell of passion flowers and lilac. The feeling of little smooth pebbles under my feet in the cold water of creeks and lakes of an uncharted California that has long since dried up and fallen subject to the discovery of negligent tourists. I know those memories are the only way those places exist anymore, before they were known, before they were littered. I remember how it felt to respect the land. The little acorn hats on the ground that would get stuck in my boots. Foraging for mushrooms on the coast of the great Red Woods. The mucky air and droning chirps of the cicadas in southern Texas. I remember the beautiful, rocky north shores of Oregon. I remember the endless sea of sand in New Mexico. I can still feel the ache and lightning in my chest from my first love that is long gone. My first flight, first bus ride, first decision to run away to find home. I remember the sound of the rumbling train tracks and the smell of dusty cow manure and ashe. I remember the mushy stringy moss blankets under the lakes that felt like they'd grab your foot and pull you down but it was all in my head. The shimmering water, the eerie silence in the middle of a lake only broken by little rowboat creaks and shifting water. I remember hearing the coyotes and wolves on a clear night in the mountains, looking at the galactic strip in the sky, and feeling so small. I remember the feeling of scary but pleasant solitude out in the woods before everyone had such a strong connection to the entire world via technology, I caught the tail end of it. I remember my first run down a mountain slope, and my first snowboard crash into a tree. My first animal companion. If only I could give him one more hug, just one. I remember putting antibiotics on his rashed-up bald elbows and how he'd look at me like I was so mean, then he would kind of melt when he noticed how much better he felt and look down at me with shame in those little black eyes on his big fat jug-head. I remember the smell of a strawberry rhubarb pie on the cooling pad on the window blowing dusty spring air inside. The smell of a metal sink and mildewy cabinets. I remember wet hot sand under my feet and the little isopods that would scuttle around as the waves pulled back and my toes raked them from below. The worms, the muscles on the shoreside rocks, the little crabs. I remember the loud seals crying out at sunset. The smell of rotten wood and metal. The feeling of water and mud in your shoes and socks and how satisfying it was to finally take them off and dry yourself by the indoor heater. I remember the taste of blackberries and the scratch of their thorns that cut my hands as I picked them, overlooking the glittering stones and trickling creek crevices and all the sneaky little spiders down there... anyway I could go on for so long but I won't.
Even things many would consider bad times still hold a special place in my heart. Things like brushing a cactus for the first time, tripping and falling while learning to roller skate, slipping up during a speech, making a goof of myself. The texture of cold soil and the feeling of humourous frustration of a plant not growing despite everything I tried.
I guess this just goes to show that nostalgia can be as beautiful as it is painful. I brought this up to a therapist, a psychiatrist and a psychologist and they all mentioned that nostalgia can be very crippling, even mentioning things like "nostalgia attacks" and they did believe I suffered from them. It's an overpowering nostalgia that breaks you down to your knees and makes you cry inside. It makes your heart ache and your stomach have butterflies at the same time. It pulls your chest down but you stay upright. They have long since calmed down and I have learned to focus more on the good in the now and the future, but now and then I can still smell those musty animals and feel the embrace of a creature truly grateful for you, truly loving and bittersweet. That kind of feeling reminds me of the book Rascal by Sterling North. I like books like that because they paint relationships with animals in a very realistic and sad light. Part of loving a creature is knowing when to let go.
Anyway I've gone on for long enough, I just wanted to say that many small and vivid moments flash in my head now and then and it brings a teary puffy smile to my face. I hope you have moments like that also, anyone who cares to read. It's something that is to be appreciated and that breathes beauty into life.
Take care and please be safe, appreciate your past and present!
I often feel nostalgia when remembering my days in animal rehabilitation and hospice reserves. Having to get shots for hepatitis B, rabies, Tdap, the flu... just to interact with these incredible monsters. I remember the sweetness and tantrums when they would shed my blood by just playing around but also feel so sorry that they did. The fear of their strength but the trust in the authority and respect they gave me. Maybe a lot of it was gratefulness that I would tend to them even when they were angry, hungry, or in pain. I miss those times when I had the arms of a bear draped over my shoulders or a silly lion making a goofy "come rub my belly" face. I also remember the gross and difficult parts like suffering through cleaning, heavy lifting, and them spiting me for giving them painful medicine that they needed. It was all worth it though when you could see that glimmer of thankfulness in their eyes. The aches and nastiness and effort all for a better life of such amazing creatures. I wish I could go back for a day and kiss one of those bears right on their gross, wet nose just one more time. I guess I empathized with knowing what it feels like to need help to flourish in your environment, and also to accept that it may never be and to need and accept reliance. Most of those animals were to grow old and die there on those reserves, but also, it was sad when the ones that got healthy enough would leave back to their wild forever, but it was also beautiful. Sometimes on a hot day I close my eyes and feel the sun on my body and just for a moment... I can smell the pens and feed, I can smell the animals and the water and the concrete and soil. Just when I try to focus on it, it runs away from me and I try to chase it but it's long gone. It brings me to tears. Even if I had the chance to do something like that again I probably wouldn't as it's not safe for me anymore, my immune system is too suppressed to have prolonged contact with animals and even people. It makes the nostalgia feel that much more bitter and as it may truly be a bygone experience for me and my life forever.
I also not only have nostalgia for simple feelings and scenes, but also coziness or fear, wanting or sorrow in the past. Things like a hot fall day in a corn field or sitting on a heap of hay on a ranch in Nebraska a long time ago. The feeling of light rain and warm wind, the smell of passion flowers and lilac. The feeling of little smooth pebbles under my feet in the cold water of creeks and lakes of an uncharted California that has long since dried up and fallen subject to the discovery of negligent tourists. I know those memories are the only way those places exist anymore, before they were known, before they were littered. I remember how it felt to respect the land. The little acorn hats on the ground that would get stuck in my boots. Foraging for mushrooms on the coast of the great Red Woods. The mucky air and droning chirps of the cicadas in southern Texas. I remember the beautiful, rocky north shores of Oregon. I remember the endless sea of sand in New Mexico. I can still feel the ache and lightning in my chest from my first love that is long gone. My first flight, first bus ride, first decision to run away to find home. I remember the sound of the rumbling train tracks and the smell of dusty cow manure and ashe. I remember the mushy stringy moss blankets under the lakes that felt like they'd grab your foot and pull you down but it was all in my head. The shimmering water, the eerie silence in the middle of a lake only broken by little rowboat creaks and shifting water. I remember hearing the coyotes and wolves on a clear night in the mountains, looking at the galactic strip in the sky, and feeling so small. I remember the feeling of scary but pleasant solitude out in the woods before everyone had such a strong connection to the entire world via technology, I caught the tail end of it. I remember my first run down a mountain slope, and my first snowboard crash into a tree. My first animal companion. If only I could give him one more hug, just one. I remember putting antibiotics on his rashed-up bald elbows and how he'd look at me like I was so mean, then he would kind of melt when he noticed how much better he felt and look down at me with shame in those little black eyes on his big fat jug-head. I remember the smell of a strawberry rhubarb pie on the cooling pad on the window blowing dusty spring air inside. The smell of a metal sink and mildewy cabinets. I remember wet hot sand under my feet and the little isopods that would scuttle around as the waves pulled back and my toes raked them from below. The worms, the muscles on the shoreside rocks, the little crabs. I remember the loud seals crying out at sunset. The smell of rotten wood and metal. The feeling of water and mud in your shoes and socks and how satisfying it was to finally take them off and dry yourself by the indoor heater. I remember the taste of blackberries and the scratch of their thorns that cut my hands as I picked them, overlooking the glittering stones and trickling creek crevices and all the sneaky little spiders down there... anyway I could go on for so long but I won't.
Even things many would consider bad times still hold a special place in my heart. Things like brushing a cactus for the first time, tripping and falling while learning to roller skate, slipping up during a speech, making a goof of myself. The texture of cold soil and the feeling of humourous frustration of a plant not growing despite everything I tried.
I guess this just goes to show that nostalgia can be as beautiful as it is painful. I brought this up to a therapist, a psychiatrist and a psychologist and they all mentioned that nostalgia can be very crippling, even mentioning things like "nostalgia attacks" and they did believe I suffered from them. It's an overpowering nostalgia that breaks you down to your knees and makes you cry inside. It makes your heart ache and your stomach have butterflies at the same time. It pulls your chest down but you stay upright. They have long since calmed down and I have learned to focus more on the good in the now and the future, but now and then I can still smell those musty animals and feel the embrace of a creature truly grateful for you, truly loving and bittersweet. That kind of feeling reminds me of the book Rascal by Sterling North. I like books like that because they paint relationships with animals in a very realistic and sad light. Part of loving a creature is knowing when to let go.
Anyway I've gone on for long enough, I just wanted to say that many small and vivid moments flash in my head now and then and it brings a teary puffy smile to my face. I hope you have moments like that also, anyone who cares to read. It's something that is to be appreciated and that breathes beauty into life.
Take care and please be safe, appreciate your past and present!
Cringe Theory and Social Acceptance
Posted 17 days agoSomething I struggle with is being unable to watch or be around certain things because they make me "cringe". I've been trying to learn to get over this as there are plenty of things that I enjoy or want to be around and indulge in or tolerate that make me cringe but I just struggle so hard to... but why? What even is "cringe"? I've spent the last week researching and even talked to a few researchers and my therapist and a psychiatrist about this sort of topic and they had a lot of insight. The main theory is that "cringe" has 3 main umbrellas (that overlap often), reaction to pain/harm, disgust, and loss of social status. Pain/harm for example could be someone stepping on a tack, disgust could be someone falling into something gross like stagnant water or being unbathed, and loss of social status could be someone saying a wrong and embarrassing word during a speech. Studies suggest that cringe can be both "empathetic" and "selfish" in a way, the act of cringing and the feeling of cringing is a body's way of not only letting others know that you are rejecting something outwardly, but also a way to self-distance from something personally when compared to what the individual gauges as socially unacceptable, gross, or painful, etc. This extends to many many things, anything can fall under those three categories. This includes looks, mannerisms, social groups, activities, mistakes, injuries, etc, entirely subjective at least when falling under the socially unacceptable umbrella. Pain and disgust however are more a safety reaction rather than a social one. I struggle with "social" cringe myself. I think it stems from a need to have a "high social status" from my childhood because I could not afford to be both socially divergent and poor because being socially divergent offered fewer opportunities to gain support from others which would eventually lead to me leaving the ghetto. The sad truth is socially unaccepted people for completely arbitrary reasons are often offered less help. I have long since abandoned socially conforming (especially now being better off), but I still retain some natural and immediate disgust towards certain completely healthy and wonderful social divergencies that are frankly none of my business! I was watching a video and there was a couple, truly in love with each other, they were two people whom many would not consider "conventionally attractive", both had rotten and black/brown teeth and talked in odd ways calling each other things like "boo" and "daddy". I was cringing immediately, my body wanted to reject the thought of their teeth and the weird things they were saying to each other in public but... they probably have a love that many will never have or even sample in their entire life. What they were and the way they were acting wasn't harmful to me directly. Maybe their teeth were unsafe in my opinion but their happiness was so pure. I think often about our perception of attraction and how it plays into cringe and social culture as a whole. I struggled over the past year and gained a perspective that I've never seen before. I have always been "conventionally attractive" in being tall and well-built etc. Though being sick over the last year with chemo and such: I lost my hair, I lost my muscle mass, I got really bad acne for the first time in my life due to some medications and frankly I was slowly treated differently. I was given pity and disgust from some but also a stronger respect and genuine care than before from others even though I've always struggled. I was given more true empathy and dry sympathy at the same time. I was simultaneously listened to more and less. I've since mostly returned to normal and even in this transition I can see how strangers are treating me differently again as I return to normal. I feel like there's no winning with people with seeing who you are. If you are attractive no one cares about your personality and you can do no wrong, nothing you do is awkward, no one respects your true feelings or strengths or values, you are a piece of meat to them. If you are unattractive you are pitied, you can't be strong or happy or successful in their eyes, you are disgusting and shameful and undeserving. Both are given credit for something they can't control and are not ever appreciated for what they are. Even when I was weak and sick I had integrity and strength, I had will, didn't need help with many things. I was very upset when people wouldn't ask me first if I needed help with something and would just do it for me. I understand wanting to help but I think people need to at least ask first. These were all tasks that I could do and did do when I told them not to help me.
My point is cringe is both practical/impractical and... often subjective and unintuitive. People need to focus on the individual and not make assumptions, also to be less strict on their self-perception and that of others, and appreciate the genuine joy in what others partake in. I'm in this strange gray area where lots of what I do and enjoy is "nerdy" like designing languages and fantasy worlds but also a lot of it is more socially acceptable like playing music and baking. Also "nerdy" things themselves are becoming normal and even respected in today's age. Things like tabletop gaming, being good at practical math and programming or computer sciences, role-playing, and so on. People are strange in what they do and do not accept... it's all so fun though to me personally, even some things that I reject.
I guess all in all I am glad that I have people in my life who care about the person within and not their looks or perceived status, just their likes, personality, and strengths. I am trying to be more of that kind of person but I struggle so hard with things that I find awkward. Maybe even the threat of being abandoned for forgoing things that I and others enjoy still lingers behind my head. I think it's important to find people who accept you and support you anyway so you can get there and spread your wings with a net below. If you ever ask yourself "Where are all these nice and good people?" they aren't outing themselves in public, the same public that would abuse their hospitality and niceness and make fun of their "uniqueness". They are hiding with each other under rocks trying to help from the inside out because if they were open they would be abused. The public confuses care with weakness. They are out there, trust me, you just need to find them and being kind is a quick way to do that, they notice, I promise. If you are kind and caring enough they will show themselves. It's hard to be brave (or foolish) enough to show that you are that kind of person because it brings hate... I know personally but I don't care. Mean people are hurt people, and they deserve empathy too, even if it means that you still don't condone their actions and can not befriend them.
As someone who considers myself 10-20% ish furry, (as many others on the scale) I know the perception of cringe well, disliking furries has fallen out of popularity and we've sort of been seated in our place in the world now but I battled with how "cringe" it was for a very long time. If it's not harmful it's just... different, not cringe. Ideas like that have helped me be a more accepting person (within reason obviously, I don't mean about things that harm/impede others). I think being a more open and understanding person is a good thing.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble if you read through all this. It's a very strange and interesting concept to me, if you have any thoughts please let me know.
Have a wonderful day~!
My point is cringe is both practical/impractical and... often subjective and unintuitive. People need to focus on the individual and not make assumptions, also to be less strict on their self-perception and that of others, and appreciate the genuine joy in what others partake in. I'm in this strange gray area where lots of what I do and enjoy is "nerdy" like designing languages and fantasy worlds but also a lot of it is more socially acceptable like playing music and baking. Also "nerdy" things themselves are becoming normal and even respected in today's age. Things like tabletop gaming, being good at practical math and programming or computer sciences, role-playing, and so on. People are strange in what they do and do not accept... it's all so fun though to me personally, even some things that I reject.
I guess all in all I am glad that I have people in my life who care about the person within and not their looks or perceived status, just their likes, personality, and strengths. I am trying to be more of that kind of person but I struggle so hard with things that I find awkward. Maybe even the threat of being abandoned for forgoing things that I and others enjoy still lingers behind my head. I think it's important to find people who accept you and support you anyway so you can get there and spread your wings with a net below. If you ever ask yourself "Where are all these nice and good people?" they aren't outing themselves in public, the same public that would abuse their hospitality and niceness and make fun of their "uniqueness". They are hiding with each other under rocks trying to help from the inside out because if they were open they would be abused. The public confuses care with weakness. They are out there, trust me, you just need to find them and being kind is a quick way to do that, they notice, I promise. If you are kind and caring enough they will show themselves. It's hard to be brave (or foolish) enough to show that you are that kind of person because it brings hate... I know personally but I don't care. Mean people are hurt people, and they deserve empathy too, even if it means that you still don't condone their actions and can not befriend them.
As someone who considers myself 10-20% ish furry, (as many others on the scale) I know the perception of cringe well, disliking furries has fallen out of popularity and we've sort of been seated in our place in the world now but I battled with how "cringe" it was for a very long time. If it's not harmful it's just... different, not cringe. Ideas like that have helped me be a more accepting person (within reason obviously, I don't mean about things that harm/impede others). I think being a more open and understanding person is a good thing.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble if you read through all this. It's a very strange and interesting concept to me, if you have any thoughts please let me know.
Have a wonderful day~!
Buckling Down is Hard >:(
Posted a month agoI am focusing on saving as much money as possible for college, I don't make a whole lot with odd-jobs online anyway but I need everything I can get. I cancelled all of my subscriptions (not that I had many) save for what is absolutely important (just my mobile phone service), goodbye Discord Nitro etc., the stickers can wait T,..,T I'm also switching to a cheaper phone provider. I am learning to practice even more healthy spending. It's hard but I think it'll be worth it. I am currently setting up and verifying tax papers and stuff to work on Fiverr to provide some music and modeling/retopology/rigging services on the side. When that's all set up I'll make a post or something about my services!
Life and success may require sacrifice and I understand that. If you are sacrificing something for a goal of yours I am with you! We are together in our efforts! If you want to talk about it feel free to reach out! My Discord contact is at the bottom of every post.
Take care and be strong, drink water and be kind if you can~!
Life and success may require sacrifice and I understand that. If you are sacrificing something for a goal of yours I am with you! We are together in our efforts! If you want to talk about it feel free to reach out! My Discord contact is at the bottom of every post.
Take care and be strong, drink water and be kind if you can~!
Food For Thought
Posted a month agoTLDR: I'm struggling with feelings and aspirations and want to know how you feel about relationships and goals?
I've come about an impasse recently with my direction in life. My primary goal has always been to survive, everything else was second. Now that I think I have finally for the first time in my life had both peace medically and at home I am not sure what to do with myself. I am not actively worrying about survival and have options and opportunity. Other matters that I never considered are showing light such as potential relationships and a career. I am considering going to college in a few years for bachelors in animation and game development but I have no means of paying for it, maybe a government grant of scholarship? These things are equally as exciting as they are frightening...
I'll be prepping in the meantime. I've spent most of the time after I went into remission studying topology and rigging and animation, it sticks to me like a knack. I quite enjoy it as much as music and I have to say it comes so much more naturally to me. Music is a passion, a compulsion, an art for me. Topology and rigging is a form of technical prowess I guess I naturally have and want to utilize. I think it would make great work for me since I don't have an attachment to not doing it for others like I do with music. I hate making music for others, but I love fixing topology and rigging and such for others, it just works! I am currently shadowing a former Overwatch (and another Naora) mesh artist and rigger and building a portfolio for my potential college classes. These classes need some coding knowledge (C#) and I have virtually none which frightens me a bit but I will try to learn this new skill.
Furthermore, I can be okay with the 'hardest" of circumstances but comically I am not sure I am okay with being in love. Kinda backwards and strange I guess! Maybe my head's not on right but that's been a known fact for a while or maybe many people are afraid of love.
Speaking on love, I've always given it thought but was never ready emotionally and physically for a relationship. First of all i'm afraid of exclusivity, obligation, commitment and potential loss, stress, changing feelings, a constant presence of another person... so on. Secondly you can call me selfish but part of me is afraid to settle down with someone only to find someone else that I've become attracted too simultaneously. I try my best to be civil... and I can be with many things but with love I struggle because now matter how cliche it sounds... i'm truly like an animal and not in the good way for people. Because of this I choose to contain myself from it entirely. It kind of reminds me of Mr. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox and how his wife loves him, and he loves her... but he has a primal calling they both need to acknowledge before he learns to work through it for his family. I just don't want to put someone and myself though my fickle heart for all those years like he did. I want to be open with my love. I have had many chances and many wonderful people to potentially be "the one" but I see myself craving the love of many. Caging myself in loyalty that I am bound to comply with as I would never intentionally break a heart when I commit... silently suffering inside while at the same time wanting no one to be with my partner but me. I'm a hypocrite and a mess when it comes to love, I am in control of my other emotions often but love: I am slave to it... so I never indulge. If I were with someone I'd be helpless to the need to supress my nature that I battle with daily, to always be loyal and it would hurt because I would crave more but never act on it. I would want someone all for myself but also not want to settle. I admit that and that's part of why I stay away, I only engage in mutually noncommittal things both intimately and emotionally with very few individuals because I am so afraid of hurting someone's feelings with how I am but also hate when they are the same with others. I am riddled with jealousy but I also want to be fair and not hold others to what I won't or can't hold myself to. Maybe one day I will grow into someone who learns to love someone so much that that primal wanting won't hurt anymore and to solve this whole love thing (that last part is a joke, there is now "solving" love, just working through it I suppose :P). I hope I don't pass a great opportunity with my fickle heart in the mean time. I see so much to admire and love and appreciate about so many great people, I fantasize a life and potential with many of them and it doesn't help that sometimes they consider that with me at the same time. I wish I could just love everyone and do what we want with eachother on all levels that are mutual but that's just not feasable or real. I hate that I ache thinking about how attractive so many people are emotionally and physically, even ones I have to admit I am not entirely fond of. So many beautiful personalities. Why doesn't my body or heart of brain listen to eachother. Oh well >,..,< such is the way of the life of a monster I suppose.
It's good to know yourself so you can work on things and improve into what you want to be. Every day that I reach inside and take a look I realise I am more like a wild beast than a calm and collected intelligent animal. No matter how advanced, I am a slave to nature and instinct and sometimes I hate it and sometimes I love it. Though, I am blessed with the human mind and the ability to self-reflect and control myself and to be honest with how I feel so I guess I am both. I guess the point of all of this is that I am infinitely curious as to how others feel about subjects like aspirations and relationships. I am curious to hear your opinions if any! I really do truely want to hear from you. Food for thought.
I've come about an impasse recently with my direction in life. My primary goal has always been to survive, everything else was second. Now that I think I have finally for the first time in my life had both peace medically and at home I am not sure what to do with myself. I am not actively worrying about survival and have options and opportunity. Other matters that I never considered are showing light such as potential relationships and a career. I am considering going to college in a few years for bachelors in animation and game development but I have no means of paying for it, maybe a government grant of scholarship? These things are equally as exciting as they are frightening...
I'll be prepping in the meantime. I've spent most of the time after I went into remission studying topology and rigging and animation, it sticks to me like a knack. I quite enjoy it as much as music and I have to say it comes so much more naturally to me. Music is a passion, a compulsion, an art for me. Topology and rigging is a form of technical prowess I guess I naturally have and want to utilize. I think it would make great work for me since I don't have an attachment to not doing it for others like I do with music. I hate making music for others, but I love fixing topology and rigging and such for others, it just works! I am currently shadowing a former Overwatch (and another Naora) mesh artist and rigger and building a portfolio for my potential college classes. These classes need some coding knowledge (C#) and I have virtually none which frightens me a bit but I will try to learn this new skill.
Furthermore, I can be okay with the 'hardest" of circumstances but comically I am not sure I am okay with being in love. Kinda backwards and strange I guess! Maybe my head's not on right but that's been a known fact for a while or maybe many people are afraid of love.
Speaking on love, I've always given it thought but was never ready emotionally and physically for a relationship. First of all i'm afraid of exclusivity, obligation, commitment and potential loss, stress, changing feelings, a constant presence of another person... so on. Secondly you can call me selfish but part of me is afraid to settle down with someone only to find someone else that I've become attracted too simultaneously. I try my best to be civil... and I can be with many things but with love I struggle because now matter how cliche it sounds... i'm truly like an animal and not in the good way for people. Because of this I choose to contain myself from it entirely. It kind of reminds me of Mr. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox and how his wife loves him, and he loves her... but he has a primal calling they both need to acknowledge before he learns to work through it for his family. I just don't want to put someone and myself though my fickle heart for all those years like he did. I want to be open with my love. I have had many chances and many wonderful people to potentially be "the one" but I see myself craving the love of many. Caging myself in loyalty that I am bound to comply with as I would never intentionally break a heart when I commit... silently suffering inside while at the same time wanting no one to be with my partner but me. I'm a hypocrite and a mess when it comes to love, I am in control of my other emotions often but love: I am slave to it... so I never indulge. If I were with someone I'd be helpless to the need to supress my nature that I battle with daily, to always be loyal and it would hurt because I would crave more but never act on it. I would want someone all for myself but also not want to settle. I admit that and that's part of why I stay away, I only engage in mutually noncommittal things both intimately and emotionally with very few individuals because I am so afraid of hurting someone's feelings with how I am but also hate when they are the same with others. I am riddled with jealousy but I also want to be fair and not hold others to what I won't or can't hold myself to. Maybe one day I will grow into someone who learns to love someone so much that that primal wanting won't hurt anymore and to solve this whole love thing (that last part is a joke, there is now "solving" love, just working through it I suppose :P). I hope I don't pass a great opportunity with my fickle heart in the mean time. I see so much to admire and love and appreciate about so many great people, I fantasize a life and potential with many of them and it doesn't help that sometimes they consider that with me at the same time. I wish I could just love everyone and do what we want with eachother on all levels that are mutual but that's just not feasable or real. I hate that I ache thinking about how attractive so many people are emotionally and physically, even ones I have to admit I am not entirely fond of. So many beautiful personalities. Why doesn't my body or heart of brain listen to eachother. Oh well >,..,< such is the way of the life of a monster I suppose.
It's good to know yourself so you can work on things and improve into what you want to be. Every day that I reach inside and take a look I realise I am more like a wild beast than a calm and collected intelligent animal. No matter how advanced, I am a slave to nature and instinct and sometimes I hate it and sometimes I love it. Though, I am blessed with the human mind and the ability to self-reflect and control myself and to be honest with how I feel so I guess I am both. I guess the point of all of this is that I am infinitely curious as to how others feel about subjects like aspirations and relationships. I am curious to hear your opinions if any! I really do truely want to hear from you. Food for thought.
Early Year Thoughts
Posted 3 months ago2024 so far has been very kind to me, everything overall is improving. I feel happy in my health progress and artistic growth despite adversity and suffering. As always I want to encourage being strong in your sense of self and in your hope during hard times. These good times are the times that I hold on for, it's good to appreciate when things are going well so you can remember them when times are hard, and also know what to expect when things get better because they may, to have something to look foreward to. I can only hope 2024 continues to go well not just for me but for everyone possible.
In a way, my medical changes over the past year has strengthened an artistic ability and artistic style and I am grateful for it. I always look at the silver linings in all things, and in this case having to stay home and having limited physical ability for a time forced me to not only consider my feelings harder but also to focus on things that take time and gentleness. Modeling and digital painting and music don't require tons of movement like gardening or gaming does and it was all I could do for months and I think I became one with these mediums! On top of this, the situation alone helped me more appreciate all things just a little bit more which gives me more topics and feelings to express. I think I will focus a bit more on these sort of moments in my artistic expression but we will see! I do enjoy representing random things too.
Anyway, take care everyone and please, if you need someone to talk with to work through things I am always open on Discord. I may not be a mentor or a father but I'm a little bit like an older brother, I have some advice and expirience!
Have a good day and be safe!
In a way, my medical changes over the past year has strengthened an artistic ability and artistic style and I am grateful for it. I always look at the silver linings in all things, and in this case having to stay home and having limited physical ability for a time forced me to not only consider my feelings harder but also to focus on things that take time and gentleness. Modeling and digital painting and music don't require tons of movement like gardening or gaming does and it was all I could do for months and I think I became one with these mediums! On top of this, the situation alone helped me more appreciate all things just a little bit more which gives me more topics and feelings to express. I think I will focus a bit more on these sort of moments in my artistic expression but we will see! I do enjoy representing random things too.
Anyway, take care everyone and please, if you need someone to talk with to work through things I am always open on Discord. I may not be a mentor or a father but I'm a little bit like an older brother, I have some advice and expirience!
Have a good day and be safe!
Thoughts, Advice, and Amnesia?
Posted 4 months agoAlready an amazing start to my year! I've had an "epiphany" of sorts, now of course I don't want anyone to feel obligated to read these things and no one is... but I will explain. In fact I never feel like with or without comments that I'm unheard, especially since people who are too shy to comment sometimes PM me on other sites to talk about these. I don't want to overload with journals but I will try to say more of what I think from now on at least! Read or read not~!
Now... I'm not a writer but I do like to share my thoughts and advice. Well... today it's about closure. I think I've always sort of had the thought in my head of how to deal with bad relationships and conflicts (though rare) between myself and others and how to move on from them when the other person will not. For example I was abused by some people but even though they never changed I was able to forgive them and move on, for myself. For... myself. I learned today that you truly do not need someone else to come to a resolution with you to resolve the past, you can forgive and move on yourself. There will always be people out there who will not understand you, who will hate you, who will make assumptions about you or disagree with you and unfortunately many more will also not want to try to get past those things or ask your thoughts. Many people are filled with blind hate... A strong mind can learn that when you let go of an issue someone refuses to resolve with you, it's for yourself. You can't force someone to come to terms with you or find middle ground or to listen to you or change or accept you or anything like that. It is a worthy pursuit to try and make a difference and resolve issues... but sometimes people do not want that or simply aren't capable. Though, just because you can't change someone does not mean that the problem isn't resolved. Resolution comes from your end and your end only sometimes. You can learn and choose to let it go and move on. You do not need to "fix" someone to find peace, or make them change. People will be as they will. It's up to you to find strength to accept that and find peace. I did that today with many issues, many things that haunted me for years, I allowed myself to let go despite the other parties involved still being the same or willing to mistreat me and others again if they had the chance. Though, I may have had an advantage due to my next subject, amnesia.
Amnesia (of which I've had a lot of recently due to sickness injury and also have had for a while to a much lesser extent as a trauma defence). Maybe part of what's helped me move on from some hard things I vaguely remember bothering me is... forgetting! I am a real creature, I struggle with greed, jealously, anger, other natural feelings. I've been told recently quite a lot though that I've changed a lot in a good way, forgot old conflicts, let go of old preferences... and improved on these things. It could also be finally feeling better than I ever have medically also. When I was first recovering from being sick a few months ago it was fun to re-explore my music gallery, it felt so familiar by feeling but so foreign by memory. The same for my room at home... I knew it was mine, smelled so familiar like me... but was so new and strange. My clothes, instruments, computer, my body remembered them and I could use them but I didn't remember entirely how they were mine. It felt a lot like returning home after a long trip. I remember spending days reading journals I've posted in the past or listening to music, comparing to how familiar yet so different they are from me now. It's a surreal experience being told that this is your life and not really having much memory of it. I'd say the hard cut off is around 2019 where I remember almost nothing. I feel like my life started in 2020-2021 and only have strong memories mostly from then on. I do remember some significant things from before then but barely... and even when I do they don't feel like my memories (more-so some kind "past life" feeling). Even now most of my memory is spotty but my core personality is stronger and more forgiving and patient, maybe a bit more carefree too, a bit more blunt and straightforeward with my opinions and affection. Even when I have been reminded of things that I did or ways I acted in the distant past (both good and bad) they don't feel entirely connected to me. I guess I'm not entirely that person anymore and that's kinda of strange and... refreshing! Though, anyone can let go of their past by evolving and changing as a person, and I don't mean to not be accountable, the actions you take are the actions you take and you may own up to that, but knowing you would have taken different action as the person you are now today is change! Around 2018 was when I escaped abuse, and around 2020 is when my amnesia kicked in. I feel like my entire life has been in the Covid era and on for better or for worse. I hardly remember many of my friends but I know I care about them, I hardly remember games I played, foods I cooked, but I can play them and I can cook them. It's incredibly strange grabbing a random instrument in my room and playing it so naturally but not remembering when I learned! Like what the heck! Anyway I've gone on long enough, I just wanted to say that among this and many other things, my personality seems to be refining.
TLDR; You can learn to let go of the past for yourself, don't let anyone force you to find a resolution with them to find a resolution for yourself. It's not your problem and it's not your job to change them.
Amnesia is strange... surreal, though freeing for me in some ways, annoying in others. I look forward to rediscovering my hobbies and friends and life.
I also want to apologize to anyone who I may have hurt in the past 7-9 months, medicine, illness, and stress may have contributed to me bring rude or hateful, I do not think I did hurt anyone but I want to be sure to apologize just in case. The past year has been a blur for me for obvious reasons.
I hope to continue to build and enjoy relationships with others this year! I feel inspired.
Like always, take care and keep being you~!
Now... I'm not a writer but I do like to share my thoughts and advice. Well... today it's about closure. I think I've always sort of had the thought in my head of how to deal with bad relationships and conflicts (though rare) between myself and others and how to move on from them when the other person will not. For example I was abused by some people but even though they never changed I was able to forgive them and move on, for myself. For... myself. I learned today that you truly do not need someone else to come to a resolution with you to resolve the past, you can forgive and move on yourself. There will always be people out there who will not understand you, who will hate you, who will make assumptions about you or disagree with you and unfortunately many more will also not want to try to get past those things or ask your thoughts. Many people are filled with blind hate... A strong mind can learn that when you let go of an issue someone refuses to resolve with you, it's for yourself. You can't force someone to come to terms with you or find middle ground or to listen to you or change or accept you or anything like that. It is a worthy pursuit to try and make a difference and resolve issues... but sometimes people do not want that or simply aren't capable. Though, just because you can't change someone does not mean that the problem isn't resolved. Resolution comes from your end and your end only sometimes. You can learn and choose to let it go and move on. You do not need to "fix" someone to find peace, or make them change. People will be as they will. It's up to you to find strength to accept that and find peace. I did that today with many issues, many things that haunted me for years, I allowed myself to let go despite the other parties involved still being the same or willing to mistreat me and others again if they had the chance. Though, I may have had an advantage due to my next subject, amnesia.
Amnesia (of which I've had a lot of recently due to sickness injury and also have had for a while to a much lesser extent as a trauma defence). Maybe part of what's helped me move on from some hard things I vaguely remember bothering me is... forgetting! I am a real creature, I struggle with greed, jealously, anger, other natural feelings. I've been told recently quite a lot though that I've changed a lot in a good way, forgot old conflicts, let go of old preferences... and improved on these things. It could also be finally feeling better than I ever have medically also. When I was first recovering from being sick a few months ago it was fun to re-explore my music gallery, it felt so familiar by feeling but so foreign by memory. The same for my room at home... I knew it was mine, smelled so familiar like me... but was so new and strange. My clothes, instruments, computer, my body remembered them and I could use them but I didn't remember entirely how they were mine. It felt a lot like returning home after a long trip. I remember spending days reading journals I've posted in the past or listening to music, comparing to how familiar yet so different they are from me now. It's a surreal experience being told that this is your life and not really having much memory of it. I'd say the hard cut off is around 2019 where I remember almost nothing. I feel like my life started in 2020-2021 and only have strong memories mostly from then on. I do remember some significant things from before then but barely... and even when I do they don't feel like my memories (more-so some kind "past life" feeling). Even now most of my memory is spotty but my core personality is stronger and more forgiving and patient, maybe a bit more carefree too, a bit more blunt and straightforeward with my opinions and affection. Even when I have been reminded of things that I did or ways I acted in the distant past (both good and bad) they don't feel entirely connected to me. I guess I'm not entirely that person anymore and that's kinda of strange and... refreshing! Though, anyone can let go of their past by evolving and changing as a person, and I don't mean to not be accountable, the actions you take are the actions you take and you may own up to that, but knowing you would have taken different action as the person you are now today is change! Around 2018 was when I escaped abuse, and around 2020 is when my amnesia kicked in. I feel like my entire life has been in the Covid era and on for better or for worse. I hardly remember many of my friends but I know I care about them, I hardly remember games I played, foods I cooked, but I can play them and I can cook them. It's incredibly strange grabbing a random instrument in my room and playing it so naturally but not remembering when I learned! Like what the heck! Anyway I've gone on long enough, I just wanted to say that among this and many other things, my personality seems to be refining.
TLDR; You can learn to let go of the past for yourself, don't let anyone force you to find a resolution with them to find a resolution for yourself. It's not your problem and it's not your job to change them.
Amnesia is strange... surreal, though freeing for me in some ways, annoying in others. I look forward to rediscovering my hobbies and friends and life.
I also want to apologize to anyone who I may have hurt in the past 7-9 months, medicine, illness, and stress may have contributed to me bring rude or hateful, I do not think I did hurt anyone but I want to be sure to apologize just in case. The past year has been a blur for me for obvious reasons.
I hope to continue to build and enjoy relationships with others this year! I feel inspired.
Like always, take care and keep being you~!
Happy New Year, You~!
Posted 4 months agoWhat a crazy year, honestly still not as bad as 2020 for me but hoooly cow I can't wait for 2024.
Lots of crazy and not-so-good stuff happened this year, but all of these things all come with "silver linings" I suppose. For example... being diagnosed with Still's sucks because I know how bad it'll be, but also I have answers now and have found peace (besides I'm doing a lot better since then in May)! I can go on about all the "bad" that's happened to me and others all year, instead I will appreciate and look toward the good! I recently had a chance to help another person. She is a married mother with children who is struggling with this disease also, she only recently got it though, I've had it my whole life. My therapist called me and asked me for advice as to how to help her get though it! I gave as much advice and encouragement that I could to be passed to that other person. I can only hope she recovers well and accepts her new way of life and feels adequate for her family. Acts like this all year make me feel like no matter what my year was enriched and fruitful. The bad can always be turned to good. Make the most of your time!
I know everyone has struggles and troubles in life and I can only hope that in this new year everyone will find progress and good. It's all I ever hope for really: good for all. I am so grateful and thankful all those compassionate people out there, and all of those I have bonded with this year, new and old. Life has been so cruel to me, but I choose to stay strong, and I can only hope you all do too! I shed a tear with joy today thinking about how many people love and support me and I can only hope one day to repay that.
This year I was gifted with love, friendship, intimacy, joy, saftey, support, peace and so much more. I cherish all these things everyday. I can only appreciate how fortunate I am. Anyway enough mushy talk...
I was thinking of staying up to midnight to post this but I'm just so tired and... who cares~! I gotta get this message out before I pass out! I hope everyone has a great new year, you have my monster "blessing"! Goodbye 2023! Take care everyone and stay safe this day/night and enjoy the transition to the new year, I know many have already (my timezone is a bit later than most)!
<3
Lots of crazy and not-so-good stuff happened this year, but all of these things all come with "silver linings" I suppose. For example... being diagnosed with Still's sucks because I know how bad it'll be, but also I have answers now and have found peace (besides I'm doing a lot better since then in May)! I can go on about all the "bad" that's happened to me and others all year, instead I will appreciate and look toward the good! I recently had a chance to help another person. She is a married mother with children who is struggling with this disease also, she only recently got it though, I've had it my whole life. My therapist called me and asked me for advice as to how to help her get though it! I gave as much advice and encouragement that I could to be passed to that other person. I can only hope she recovers well and accepts her new way of life and feels adequate for her family. Acts like this all year make me feel like no matter what my year was enriched and fruitful. The bad can always be turned to good. Make the most of your time!
I know everyone has struggles and troubles in life and I can only hope that in this new year everyone will find progress and good. It's all I ever hope for really: good for all. I am so grateful and thankful all those compassionate people out there, and all of those I have bonded with this year, new and old. Life has been so cruel to me, but I choose to stay strong, and I can only hope you all do too! I shed a tear with joy today thinking about how many people love and support me and I can only hope one day to repay that.
This year I was gifted with love, friendship, intimacy, joy, saftey, support, peace and so much more. I cherish all these things everyday. I can only appreciate how fortunate I am. Anyway enough mushy talk...
I was thinking of staying up to midnight to post this but I'm just so tired and... who cares~! I gotta get this message out before I pass out! I hope everyone has a great new year, you have my monster "blessing"! Goodbye 2023! Take care everyone and stay safe this day/night and enjoy the transition to the new year, I know many have already (my timezone is a bit later than most)!
<3
Happy Thanksgiving! (And Small Update)
Posted 6 months agoHappy Thanksgiving everyone, try not to eat too much today! If yur a turkey, try not to get stuffed and basted haha!
I sinscerely hope everyone has a good holiday today, and if you don't celebrate that you also have a great day otherwise then! I've been too sick to cook so we're having everything catered this year by Cracker Barrel. I also wanted to mention as for medical stuff I won't be posting on it again untill anything significant happens. Just know I'm being treated and feeling better everyday, so enough of that! Anyway back to our regularly scheduled programming! Holiday time~!
Take care, eat well, and be safe everyone~!
🦃
I sinscerely hope everyone has a good holiday today, and if you don't celebrate that you also have a great day otherwise then! I've been too sick to cook so we're having everything catered this year by Cracker Barrel. I also wanted to mention as for medical stuff I won't be posting on it again untill anything significant happens. Just know I'm being treated and feeling better everyday, so enough of that! Anyway back to our regularly scheduled programming! Holiday time~!
Take care, eat well, and be safe everyone~!
🦃
Teeny Weeny Health Update
Posted 7 months agoI don't wanna be someone who journals on every little change during a hard time so I won't, but I also don't wanna leave anyone in the dark so here's a quick update as a lot has happened! Especially after a kinda intense last journal! Long story short, AOSD/Still's diagnoses. Been treating it since July. My body couldn't tolerate the original medication I was trying from then to a few weeks ago (a form of chemo-therapy called Methotrexate) so right now I'm in-between medications and taking stuff just for symptoms (a cortico-steroid called Prednisone). I'm expecting sometime next month to try a new medication (a daily anti-inflammatory injection called Kineret/Anakinra) that should work (my insurance is taking a while because it's a HELLA expensive med). From what I hear it's quite the miracle for this kinda disease so I'm excited to take it and see how much better I feel. By the way, I had no idea that chemo was used for other things other than cancer too! Kinda interesting... but anyway.
Um, there's not much more to say other than that I'm doing relatively well, excersizing, eatin' right. Getting used to my new ups and downs, mostly getting used to being immune-compromised or however the heck you spell it, that's a mess i'll tell ya that! My weight is good and has stabilized (finally got some chub back on my love-handles'n'rump haha), my energy is more consistent, and I'm gettin' good sleep. Also good good news! Because I have this incredibly rare disease... I am getting disability from the government! I've never had the freedom of financial help like that before and I'm excited to be able to have a crutch for my sickness in the coming months and years. Medication ain't cheap! Just... it's surreal considering myself "disabled" though. I don't feel disabled, but it's the truth... I just can't do things I could just a few months ago and well I guess that’s what that’s for. Gotta get all the new gadgets and stuff to help around the home to do stuff myself again I suppose. Though I like to be independant in any way I can, true strength is knowing when you need help. It can be embarrassing but... asking for someone to open somethin' for you ain't so bad after a bit... kinda nice actually. Now all I gotta do is find someone who can give these poor sore paws a daily foot-rub hahah, I kid I kid. Another good change is I gotta use organic soaps and well I have to say... they smell incredible. No more store goop bottles like "bravery" or whatever that's supposed to even be for me. I always wanted a reason to shell out on nice natural soaps. Now I smell like coffee and nuts and pine... so much better in my opinion, I highly recommend organic soap bars.
I'm rambling, anyway, take care everyone and know that I'm doin' my best and we're getting... somewhere? If anythin' happens in the coming months I'll be here to say what's up! Whoever you are and whatever you are going through take care and be safe, I hope for only the best for you!
Have a good day/night everyone~
Oh also... side-note, I did a small song and got some small art about my current feelings as of late, I hope you enjoy it or resonate with it in anyway that's good for ya, you aren't alone~
Song
Art
Um, there's not much more to say other than that I'm doing relatively well, excersizing, eatin' right. Getting used to my new ups and downs, mostly getting used to being immune-compromised or however the heck you spell it, that's a mess i'll tell ya that! My weight is good and has stabilized (finally got some chub back on my love-handles'n'rump haha), my energy is more consistent, and I'm gettin' good sleep. Also good good news! Because I have this incredibly rare disease... I am getting disability from the government! I've never had the freedom of financial help like that before and I'm excited to be able to have a crutch for my sickness in the coming months and years. Medication ain't cheap! Just... it's surreal considering myself "disabled" though. I don't feel disabled, but it's the truth... I just can't do things I could just a few months ago and well I guess that’s what that’s for. Gotta get all the new gadgets and stuff to help around the home to do stuff myself again I suppose. Though I like to be independant in any way I can, true strength is knowing when you need help. It can be embarrassing but... asking for someone to open somethin' for you ain't so bad after a bit... kinda nice actually. Now all I gotta do is find someone who can give these poor sore paws a daily foot-rub hahah, I kid I kid. Another good change is I gotta use organic soaps and well I have to say... they smell incredible. No more store goop bottles like "bravery" or whatever that's supposed to even be for me. I always wanted a reason to shell out on nice natural soaps. Now I smell like coffee and nuts and pine... so much better in my opinion, I highly recommend organic soap bars.
I'm rambling, anyway, take care everyone and know that I'm doin' my best and we're getting... somewhere? If anythin' happens in the coming months I'll be here to say what's up! Whoever you are and whatever you are going through take care and be safe, I hope for only the best for you!
Have a good day/night everyone~
Oh also... side-note, I did a small song and got some small art about my current feelings as of late, I hope you enjoy it or resonate with it in anyway that's good for ya, you aren't alone~
Song
Art
Diagnosis/Prognosis
Posted 9 months agoOh boy, where to start, very hard day today but the end of a long battle and that feels good. As some of you may know I've been battling a "mystery illness" since early/mid May. Thought it was pneumonia at first, docs did too... then when it didn't resolve with antibiotics they tested for other things, the flu, a cold, Covid, the usual...
Well, they ruled out all the normal stuff and over the past few months it's become more serious, docs were pulling in specialists to try and figure out what it was. Ruled out cancers, liver disease, thyroid disease, rare funguses/bacterias/viruses, after a while there was only one category left (not a good one). They did a special test and boom, they knew it was autoimmune/inflammatory. They didn't know what particularly disease it was however, and it was progressing very fast!
After suffering from then to now (I won't list the symptoms, just know they aren't fun) we finally got to see an autoimmune specialist TODAY and spent several hours with her and well... the diagnosis battle is finally over.
She diagnosed me with JIA (Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis), which evolved into it's deadly adult form AOSD (Adult-Onset Still's disease). There's a ton to explain about this disease but I won't get into that, the point is that it's a lifelong but treatable (not curable) disease. It's basically an aggressive form of autoinflammatory arthritis that attacks joints and organs. Unfortunately mine was caught about 4 months into a powerful flare and at around 2-3 months it causes permanent joint damage and later like around 6-8 months it can cause death if untreated! They said I was either going to be in ICU or DEAD by October if I didn't start treatment now. Luckily I start treatment tomorrow and it shouldn't get worse, in fact they expect me to actually feel better than I ever have. I may be able to play instruments again as soon as a month or two and sing around then also! I will need to take some medications for the rest of my life, they aren't so bad: the only real problem is some potential side-effects.
I have dealt with joint pain my entire life which apparently was the juvenile version of the disease. Even as far back as toddler age I was in pain but I was told my whole life the pain was in my head and that it's just anxiety (I don't blame them, this disease is rather rare and I had a rough childhood so it makes sense they'd attribute everything to anxiety/trauma). I would believe it also since the pain would go away after a few months... but apparently that's just how the disease works until it evolves when you grow up. It's a hard disease to discover and diagnose because you have to rule out basically everything else first!
I'm happy to finally have validation for my pains as a child and to know I wasn't just being "dramatic and sensitive", I was truly in pain. I am also happy now to know what's been making me suffer for the past few months even more so. I'm happy to start treatment tomorrow and to finally have some relief later. Today is a big day for me. Learning that a suffering I've had my whole life now has a name I know, and that I can begin to move on and heal from this entire lifelong experience that has just met an apex. I'm happy that people here on FA listen to and support me and my music. It's going to still be a painful life for me now, but atleast we know the issue. I'm sure this gives some context as to why my music is often so darn bitter-sweet!
Thanks to everyone who cares enough to be here on this journal page and to have read this far! Nice supportive people help make the hard days easier. Celebrate with me today if you can! Everyone at my home will be!
Have a wonderful day and be safe everyone~!
TLDR: Diagnosed with a lifelong incurable but manageable disease. Feel validated and with closure.
Well, they ruled out all the normal stuff and over the past few months it's become more serious, docs were pulling in specialists to try and figure out what it was. Ruled out cancers, liver disease, thyroid disease, rare funguses/bacterias/viruses, after a while there was only one category left (not a good one). They did a special test and boom, they knew it was autoimmune/inflammatory. They didn't know what particularly disease it was however, and it was progressing very fast!
After suffering from then to now (I won't list the symptoms, just know they aren't fun) we finally got to see an autoimmune specialist TODAY and spent several hours with her and well... the diagnosis battle is finally over.
She diagnosed me with JIA (Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis), which evolved into it's deadly adult form AOSD (Adult-Onset Still's disease). There's a ton to explain about this disease but I won't get into that, the point is that it's a lifelong but treatable (not curable) disease. It's basically an aggressive form of autoinflammatory arthritis that attacks joints and organs. Unfortunately mine was caught about 4 months into a powerful flare and at around 2-3 months it causes permanent joint damage and later like around 6-8 months it can cause death if untreated! They said I was either going to be in ICU or DEAD by October if I didn't start treatment now. Luckily I start treatment tomorrow and it shouldn't get worse, in fact they expect me to actually feel better than I ever have. I may be able to play instruments again as soon as a month or two and sing around then also! I will need to take some medications for the rest of my life, they aren't so bad: the only real problem is some potential side-effects.
I have dealt with joint pain my entire life which apparently was the juvenile version of the disease. Even as far back as toddler age I was in pain but I was told my whole life the pain was in my head and that it's just anxiety (I don't blame them, this disease is rather rare and I had a rough childhood so it makes sense they'd attribute everything to anxiety/trauma). I would believe it also since the pain would go away after a few months... but apparently that's just how the disease works until it evolves when you grow up. It's a hard disease to discover and diagnose because you have to rule out basically everything else first!
I'm happy to finally have validation for my pains as a child and to know I wasn't just being "dramatic and sensitive", I was truly in pain. I am also happy now to know what's been making me suffer for the past few months even more so. I'm happy to start treatment tomorrow and to finally have some relief later. Today is a big day for me. Learning that a suffering I've had my whole life now has a name I know, and that I can begin to move on and heal from this entire lifelong experience that has just met an apex. I'm happy that people here on FA listen to and support me and my music. It's going to still be a painful life for me now, but atleast we know the issue. I'm sure this gives some context as to why my music is often so darn bitter-sweet!
Thanks to everyone who cares enough to be here on this journal page and to have read this far! Nice supportive people help make the hard days easier. Celebrate with me today if you can! Everyone at my home will be!
Have a wonderful day and be safe everyone~!
TLDR: Diagnosed with a lifelong incurable but manageable disease. Feel validated and with closure.
Some Troubling News
Posted 10 months agoI don't want any sympathy and I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me. I'm a tough cookie! I'm just sayin' this so it's known so there's no surprises down the road XD Turns out sometimes when you get pneumonia it can awaken genetic autoimmune diseases and welp, that's what was confirmed today. It's been 2 months since I got pneumonia and the pneumonia is just about gone but well, lots of other things like extreme joint pain and some other stuff are still around and new things too.
Today I got confirmation with a doctor that I indeed do have a lifelong autoimmune disease, they are not sure which one but it's likely psoriatic arthritis. We're going to be finding out which one it is soon hopefully. Today has been a very hard day. Playing instruments is hard when my fingers don't wanna move and hurt so bad. And finding out that unlike usual, I won't just be feeling better after a while. But... hopefully with treatment I can treat these symptoms and have a relatively normal life!
I have to say I'm relieved to finally have some news as to why I've been so sick. It's refreshing, just wish it wasn't such bad news!
Anyway, I'll keep playing music as long as my body will let me! Take care everyone and stay safe and healthy out there!
Today I got confirmation with a doctor that I indeed do have a lifelong autoimmune disease, they are not sure which one but it's likely psoriatic arthritis. We're going to be finding out which one it is soon hopefully. Today has been a very hard day. Playing instruments is hard when my fingers don't wanna move and hurt so bad. And finding out that unlike usual, I won't just be feeling better after a while. But... hopefully with treatment I can treat these symptoms and have a relatively normal life!
I have to say I'm relieved to finally have some news as to why I've been so sick. It's refreshing, just wish it wasn't such bad news!
Anyway, I'll keep playing music as long as my body will let me! Take care everyone and stay safe and healthy out there!
Sudden Health Update!
Posted a year agoOkay so I have had pnuemonia for about 2 months, it's spread to my Larynx over the past week and now I have laryngitis and I can't talk let alone sing, could be months to half a year from now from untill I can sing like normal. For now I may only be posting instrumental songs (which I don't mind, the practice is good!) but I'm not even going to try and sing for a while. I hope to spend this time getting more aquainted with Cello and Banjo (I didn't know you could get arm-guards for banjos and this whole time I have been hurting my arm just resting it on the drum haha) and working on my DAW familiary and other stuff like mixing and mastering...
I've had an unlucky May and June I'll tell ya. Hooey I have high spirits but goodness everything hurts right now. I was so sick I couldn't tend my poor plants outside and my Cilantro almost died! They're better now though thank goodness.
In other good news, projects that are already in the works (as I've mentioned earlier) that are unnaffected by this will be done around September/October. Still a big fun secret to reveal around that time that I'm sooo excited for! I can't wait! It involves something you wear, that's all I will say <,..,<
Anywho, thanks so much for stickin' with me those of y'all here. I very much appreciate it and will always keep tryin'!
I've had an unlucky May and June I'll tell ya. Hooey I have high spirits but goodness everything hurts right now. I was so sick I couldn't tend my poor plants outside and my Cilantro almost died! They're better now though thank goodness.
In other good news, projects that are already in the works (as I've mentioned earlier) that are unnaffected by this will be done around September/October. Still a big fun secret to reveal around that time that I'm sooo excited for! I can't wait! It involves something you wear, that's all I will say <,..,<
Anywho, thanks so much for stickin' with me those of y'all here. I very much appreciate it and will always keep tryin'!
Recovery!
Posted a year agoHey everybuddy! Sorry for bein' vacant as of recent, I've been sick with atypical pneumonia! I was very surprised to get the news when I went to the doc a few weeks ago. I just had no wind in my sails! Turns out I was very sick! On top of that, I may be allergic to a very common foaming agent (which also happened to be in the antibiotics I took for the pneumonia, double whammy right?). I'm doin' much better as of the past few days. I took the time when I couldn't sing to hone more instrumental stuff and give my less commonly used instruments (like banjo, cello, and dulcimer) some love. Imma try and take it easy for the next week or two while recoverin', but I'm still gonna be workin' on my craft!
The good news though is that my really big projects that I've been workin' on for almost a year are almost done! I'm super excited to be unveiling lots of stuff in the comin' months... oh so so so excited~! Anyway, thanks so much for stickin' with me and my infrequent postin'!
Have a great day and please stay safe, drink water and eat yur veggies~! Or i'll come getcha!
Updates here
The good news though is that my really big projects that I've been workin' on for almost a year are almost done! I'm super excited to be unveiling lots of stuff in the comin' months... oh so so so excited~! Anyway, thanks so much for stickin' with me and my infrequent postin'!
Have a great day and please stay safe, drink water and eat yur veggies~! Or i'll come getcha!
Updates here
Updates! (Post Hiatus)
Posted a year agoHey everyone! I am so sorry for not posting any new music and such for a while and I want to say that I am still alive! I was super busy with over the holidays, and even more so at the beggining of the year! Though, this gap of production was not fruitless... I've been workin' on some much bigger projects over the winter. I am very excited to show them as soon as they are done! But for now I will hold my excitement in tight as I don't want to spoil anything~! In the coming weeks i'll be sure to show~!
Anyway, thanks for listenin'/readin' if ya did, and have a wonderful day all! Be safe and be kind~!
Anyway, thanks for listenin'/readin' if ya did, and have a wonderful day all! Be safe and be kind~!
Thoughts on New FA Changes
Posted a year agoMy goodness, over all the time I've been here (around 12 years, though I only started posting seriously for a short while) almost nothing has changed. Suddenly in the past few years we've actually gotten changes to the site that have been much much needed. First new search systems and UI changes, now sick banners... baby steps but still awesome! Now all we need is account name changes, a way to blacklist submissions in search by artist and tags, and to fricken fix custom thumbnails for posts XD
Anyway, I'm glad to see that since I've been donating (and others too), the site is really looking like it's going somewhere. FA has been kind to me and I feel I owe it back for hosting my music and thoughts after all this time. The staff tend to always listen to my reports and issues respectfully and take action accordingly and I've never humoured any drama from other users and therefore haven't been involved in any here. To me that's a win. I'll continue to support as long as new improvements keep rolling out! The potential is there, we're so close!
That's all... just wanted to let my mind run for a bit, have a good day everyone and be safe~!
Anyway, I'm glad to see that since I've been donating (and others too), the site is really looking like it's going somewhere. FA has been kind to me and I feel I owe it back for hosting my music and thoughts after all this time. The staff tend to always listen to my reports and issues respectfully and take action accordingly and I've never humoured any drama from other users and therefore haven't been involved in any here. To me that's a win. I'll continue to support as long as new improvements keep rolling out! The potential is there, we're so close!
That's all... just wanted to let my mind run for a bit, have a good day everyone and be safe~!
Monster Foot Light~!
Posted a year agoI was bored the other night and decided to put an idea I had into reality, I made this neat cryptid foot wall light~! For a while I've been workin' on decoratin' my den with thematic and dorky monster stuff and in-between building furniture and putting sound panels up... I had this idea!
If you wanna see it, have a look here!
I think it turned out pretty well, took hooours to bend the wires and secure them but it was worth it! I later adjusted it a lot more after the videos so it looks even better than the post! Anyway, have a good day everyone and stay safe~!
If you wanna see it, have a look here!
I think it turned out pretty well, took hooours to bend the wires and secure them but it was worth it! I later adjusted it a lot more after the videos so it looks even better than the post! Anyway, have a good day everyone and stay safe~!
日本語?Let me explain~!
Posted a year agoI have received a few questions about like "Are you Japanese?" and "Why are some of your posts/comments in Japanese" or, "What does Japanese mean to you?" and questions in similar likeness. I am more than happy to explain~!
In the wake of major earthquakes in Japan from the years 1995-2010 (mainly the great Hanshin Earthquake that struck Kobe), many Japanese people were left without homes, work, or anywhere to stay during reconstruction. Many Japanese people immigrated to California during this time. I was born in California in 1999. I grew up around Japanese and Japanese-American culture, of which my mother was fascinated with. She even took me to Japan when I was very little (I don't remember much, other than that a lot of people smoked cigarettes and there was good food XD). I was poor, so was often living in cramped complexes in California that also housed Japanese immigrants (among others) who had nothing to their names after losing their homes in their country due to natural disasters. Growing up I was influenced by these cultures, but was never able to properly focus on them and enjoy them, out of all the cultures, my mother really wanted me to connect with the Japanese. She tried to get me to learn Japanese as a teenager and young adult, and I learned a little but was not very receptive due to trauma at the time. Now that I have moved out to have my own life and my mother has passed on, I have had a renewed want to reconnect with the language and culture (and have been trying to learn for a few years now). The only belonging of my mother's that I even have is actually a set of Japanese study cards and I use them often. Luckily I have some Japanese and American friends who I can share this process with also. When I hear the Japanese language I remember my childhood and mother kindly, I can still remember how she would dramatically say "何今の??” when one of our pets would make a confused face or when I would say something stupid. It roughly means "What now?" or "What's that?". Despite this, by blood I am not Japanese (though there is a tiny chance my father may be east-asian, I do not know for sure). On top of this, some of my fanbase is Japanese and some of my best friends are too, and many of my American friends watch anime. Some of my friends who watch anime actually know more Japanese than I do but sometimes talk a bit like cartoon characters haha! But anyway, I am currently trying my best to learn the language and have been enjoying wholesome Japanese content and art and so on. Language is a beautiful thing. I am currently past Kana and am now learning grammar, Kanji, and radicals~!
I hope this explains a bit as to why I have a connection with Japanese, and I hope it might lead others to have some introspection and maybe connect with a language from their childhood as I have.
Please, have a wonderful day~!
いくつか質問を受けました。 「日本人ですか?」「なぜあなたの投稿やコメントは日本語で書かれているのですか?」「あなたにとって日本語とは何ですか?」私も同様の質問を受けました。教えていただけると嬉しいです〜!
1995 年から 2010 年にかけて日本で起こった大地震 (主に神戸を襲った阪神大震災) の後、多くの日本人が家、仕事、または復興の際に滞在する場所を失いました。この時期、多くの日本人がカリフォルニアに移住しました。私は 1999 年にカリフォルニアで生まれました。そのため、私は日本と日系アメリカ人の文化に囲まれて育ちました。母はこの文化にとても魅了されていました。彼女は私がとても小さい頃、私を日本に連れて行ってくれました (あまり覚えていません。多くの人がタバコを吸っていて、おいしい食べ物があったことだけは覚えています XD)。私は貧しかったので、日系移民などが住むカリフォルニアの狭い団地によく住んでいました。自然災害で故郷を失った後、彼らの名前は何もありませんでした。私が成長していたとき、私はこれらの文化に影響を受けました。しかし、私はそれらに適切に集中して楽しむことができませんでした。すべての文化の中で、母は私が日本人とつながることを本当に望んでいました。彼女は私がティーンエイジャーやヤングアダルトの頃に日本語を学ばせようとしてくれました。引っ越して自分の人生を歩み、母が亡くなった今、言語と文化に再びつながりたいという気持ちが新たになりました(そして、数年前から学ぼうとしています).私が持っている母の唯一の持ち物は、日本語の学習カードのセットです。私はよくそれらを参照します。幸いなことに、私にはこのプロセスを分かち合える日本人とアメリカ人の友人が何人かいます。日本語を聞くと、子供の頃の良い思い出がいっぱいです。ペットが困惑した顔をしたり、私がバカなことを言ったりすると、母が「何今の?私の父は東アジア人かもしれません, 私は確かに知りません). これに加えて, 私のファンベースの何人かは日本人であり、私の親友の何人かもそうです. 私のアメリカ人の友人の多くはアニメを見ています.アニメは実際に私よりも多くの日本語を知っていますが、時々アニメのキャラクターのように話すこともあります! とにかく、私は現在、言語を学ぶために最善を尽くしており、健全な日本のコンテンツとアートを楽しんでいます. 言語は美しいものです. 私は仮名を学びました.文法、漢字、部首を勉強中~!
なぜ私が日本人と関係を持っているのか、これで少し説明がつくことを願っています。他の人が内省し、私のように子供の頃からの言語とつながるようになることを願っています.
良い一日を過ごしてください~!
In the wake of major earthquakes in Japan from the years 1995-2010 (mainly the great Hanshin Earthquake that struck Kobe), many Japanese people were left without homes, work, or anywhere to stay during reconstruction. Many Japanese people immigrated to California during this time. I was born in California in 1999. I grew up around Japanese and Japanese-American culture, of which my mother was fascinated with. She even took me to Japan when I was very little (I don't remember much, other than that a lot of people smoked cigarettes and there was good food XD). I was poor, so was often living in cramped complexes in California that also housed Japanese immigrants (among others) who had nothing to their names after losing their homes in their country due to natural disasters. Growing up I was influenced by these cultures, but was never able to properly focus on them and enjoy them, out of all the cultures, my mother really wanted me to connect with the Japanese. She tried to get me to learn Japanese as a teenager and young adult, and I learned a little but was not very receptive due to trauma at the time. Now that I have moved out to have my own life and my mother has passed on, I have had a renewed want to reconnect with the language and culture (and have been trying to learn for a few years now). The only belonging of my mother's that I even have is actually a set of Japanese study cards and I use them often. Luckily I have some Japanese and American friends who I can share this process with also. When I hear the Japanese language I remember my childhood and mother kindly, I can still remember how she would dramatically say "何今の??” when one of our pets would make a confused face or when I would say something stupid. It roughly means "What now?" or "What's that?". Despite this, by blood I am not Japanese (though there is a tiny chance my father may be east-asian, I do not know for sure). On top of this, some of my fanbase is Japanese and some of my best friends are too, and many of my American friends watch anime. Some of my friends who watch anime actually know more Japanese than I do but sometimes talk a bit like cartoon characters haha! But anyway, I am currently trying my best to learn the language and have been enjoying wholesome Japanese content and art and so on. Language is a beautiful thing. I am currently past Kana and am now learning grammar, Kanji, and radicals~!
I hope this explains a bit as to why I have a connection with Japanese, and I hope it might lead others to have some introspection and maybe connect with a language from their childhood as I have.
Please, have a wonderful day~!
いくつか質問を受けました。 「日本人ですか?」「なぜあなたの投稿やコメントは日本語で書かれているのですか?」「あなたにとって日本語とは何ですか?」私も同様の質問を受けました。教えていただけると嬉しいです〜!
1995 年から 2010 年にかけて日本で起こった大地震 (主に神戸を襲った阪神大震災) の後、多くの日本人が家、仕事、または復興の際に滞在する場所を失いました。この時期、多くの日本人がカリフォルニアに移住しました。私は 1999 年にカリフォルニアで生まれました。そのため、私は日本と日系アメリカ人の文化に囲まれて育ちました。母はこの文化にとても魅了されていました。彼女は私がとても小さい頃、私を日本に連れて行ってくれました (あまり覚えていません。多くの人がタバコを吸っていて、おいしい食べ物があったことだけは覚えています XD)。私は貧しかったので、日系移民などが住むカリフォルニアの狭い団地によく住んでいました。自然災害で故郷を失った後、彼らの名前は何もありませんでした。私が成長していたとき、私はこれらの文化に影響を受けました。しかし、私はそれらに適切に集中して楽しむことができませんでした。すべての文化の中で、母は私が日本人とつながることを本当に望んでいました。彼女は私がティーンエイジャーやヤングアダルトの頃に日本
なぜ私が日本人と関係を持っているのか、これで少し説明がつくことを願っています。他の人が内省し、私のように子供の頃からの言語とつながるようになることを願っています.
良い一日を過ごしてください~!
News and Changes!
Posted a year agoHey everybody! I've got some news! Some good, some bad. I don't wanna info dump so I'll keep it quick and omit the details!
I haven't worked on music for a few months because of a recent tragedy. I had to stay with an individual in their last days and their funeral was earlier this month. I've done my mourning so don't worry about me. It was hard but it was fulfilling and they had a peaceful passing after a several year battle with cancer that was accelerated by Covid.
The good news is that I've inherited some funds from them, and they asked that I use it to better myself and my trades and such. As much as I never would have wanted it to be because of what happened, I do now have the means of upgrading my equipment for music. I'm building a recording room and am upgrading my microphone and headphones. So now for the first time ever I will be able to record vocals in a truly sound-treated environment! Often I sing quietly as to not embarrass myself if anyone around hears (which has happened, it's always been received well but still makes me want to hide) but now I can sing loud and full without much-to-any sound escaping the recording area and with little to no ambient room noise. Over this past week I've been setting everything up, and I'm excited to show what new ideas I have in store!
Also, on a side note, I've made a decision regarding particularly NSFW art in my scraps. Now I'm not a prude personally and I have no issues with NSFW art and at the end of the day I am an adult who likes adult things. Though, I feel almost all of my following here and largely on the internet as a whole is due to my music, because of this I will no longer be posting explicit sexual content on this account or any others as to not intrude on those watchers who follow me solely for the music, or those who simply have their adult filters off for their own personal reasons and don't expect that sort of thing from me. I may in the future make an account or something for that sort of thing but for now, those looking for any of that prior art may contact me personally: I don't mind at all. Now, keep in mind that some lighter stuff may still be posted in scraps (like bondage, artistic nudity, paw stuff), but nothing depicting explicit nudity, genitalia, or sexual acts. I think this is a good step towards being more respectful of people's boundaries and what they follow me for~!
Thanks so much to those who have stuck with me and each other during these hard times, goodness we all know that these last few years since 2019-2020 have been trying times, but we are strong! Please take care and I hope you have a wonderful day~!
I haven't worked on music for a few months because of a recent tragedy. I had to stay with an individual in their last days and their funeral was earlier this month. I've done my mourning so don't worry about me. It was hard but it was fulfilling and they had a peaceful passing after a several year battle with cancer that was accelerated by Covid.
The good news is that I've inherited some funds from them, and they asked that I use it to better myself and my trades and such. As much as I never would have wanted it to be because of what happened, I do now have the means of upgrading my equipment for music. I'm building a recording room and am upgrading my microphone and headphones. So now for the first time ever I will be able to record vocals in a truly sound-treated environment! Often I sing quietly as to not embarrass myself if anyone around hears (which has happened, it's always been received well but still makes me want to hide) but now I can sing loud and full without much-to-any sound escaping the recording area and with little to no ambient room noise. Over this past week I've been setting everything up, and I'm excited to show what new ideas I have in store!
Also, on a side note, I've made a decision regarding particularly NSFW art in my scraps. Now I'm not a prude personally and I have no issues with NSFW art and at the end of the day I am an adult who likes adult things. Though, I feel almost all of my following here and largely on the internet as a whole is due to my music, because of this I will no longer be posting explicit sexual content on this account or any others as to not intrude on those watchers who follow me solely for the music, or those who simply have their adult filters off for their own personal reasons and don't expect that sort of thing from me. I may in the future make an account or something for that sort of thing but for now, those looking for any of that prior art may contact me personally: I don't mind at all. Now, keep in mind that some lighter stuff may still be posted in scraps (like bondage, artistic nudity, paw stuff), but nothing depicting explicit nudity, genitalia, or sexual acts. I think this is a good step towards being more respectful of people's boundaries and what they follow me for~!
Thanks so much to those who have stuck with me and each other during these hard times, goodness we all know that these last few years since 2019-2020 have been trying times, but we are strong! Please take care and I hope you have a wonderful day~!
Wobbledogs!
Posted 2 years agoHey everyone! This is just for people who know of the game WobbleDogs and are struggling to get certain traits, I'm making a huge dog code resource list for breeding that's catching fire, just incase anyone wants to add them to their game.
https://www.reddit.com/r/wobbledogs.....mega_resource/
Have fun everyone, and take care!
https://www.reddit.com/r/wobbledogs.....mega_resource/
Have fun everyone, and take care!
Gallery Changes!
Posted 2 years agoTo make things simpler and easier to navigate, I'm moving all music posts to my main gallery and all non-music related posts to scraps. This is in relation to gettin' a few comments about the alternate versions of songs being in scraps and other issues'n'such.
From now on:
1. My main gallery will be reserved for music.
2. Scraps will include visual artwork, irl pics, stories etc.
I'll start updating right now. Have a good day everyone~!
From now on:
1. My main gallery will be reserved for music.
2. Scraps will include visual artwork, irl pics, stories etc.
I'll start updating right now. Have a good day everyone~!
Ambedo Release!
Posted 2 years agoHey hey everyone! Good news, my single is now out on most platforms! I'll link popular ones here in this journal for ease of access, if your preferred medium isn't here try searching for "Fuzznet World Ambedo" and it should come up, if not, ask me and I'll post it here.
Link List: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/l.....etworld/ambedo
Also, in other goods news, the ambient noise from my computer during recordings has been effectively eliminated, from a usual 60 ish DB to 30 ish DB, my fans were set to go to max when my computer reached any temperature over 40C, so I set them to turn on as the computer heat (as they should) in the bios. My computer never gets passed 50C and the fans stay nice and quiet, haven't even had them rev up when my computer was being stress tested, nothing I do ever makes my computer heat enough (including recording) so now my room is even quieter. I have no idea why they were configured to go full blast at the slightest increase of temperature >,...,<
Anywho, I really hope you enjoy this one! I worked hard on it, and it's rather sweet and low and emotional. The lyrics are available on the Bandcamp link and on the other platforms that support it.
Link List: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/l.....etworld/ambedo
Also, in other goods news, the ambient noise from my computer during recordings has been effectively eliminated, from a usual 60 ish DB to 30 ish DB, my fans were set to go to max when my computer reached any temperature over 40C, so I set them to turn on as the computer heat (as they should) in the bios. My computer never gets passed 50C and the fans stay nice and quiet, haven't even had them rev up when my computer was being stress tested, nothing I do ever makes my computer heat enough (including recording) so now my room is even quieter. I have no idea why they were configured to go full blast at the slightest increase of temperature >,...,<
Anywho, I really hope you enjoy this one! I worked hard on it, and it's rather sweet and low and emotional. The lyrics are available on the Bandcamp link and on the other platforms that support it.
New Single Out Soon!
Posted 2 years agoSo! Great news, remember when I said I personally won't be posting music to major platforms because of the cost? Well, that's not to say that I'm against it, I just can't afford it. Thanks to Fuzznet (of which I work alongside) there will be a release of mine on all big platforms (featuring official artwork) scheduled for release on the 21st of this month! It's a sweet song about letting go of relationships that you feel should be put down, I can't wait for you all to hear it if you decide to listen~!
Here's a pre-save link :( https://www.fuzznet.world/fuzznet-m.....t-music-detail )
It will be available for free on all platforms, including but not limited to:
Spotify
Apple Music
iTunes
Instagram/Facebook
Pandora
IHeart Radio
And many more!
This song will also be available on my Bandcamp for an asking price of 4 dollars USD, but anyone is allowed to purchase it for free (or more), as there will be an option to pay your own price! I unfortunately can't control the price on other platforms like Amazon music, this is why I want to offer it for free on my Bandcamp with the option to pay more just to support~
I will post an update on the day of release with links and all included for ease of access. I'm excited to share this new song with you all, I put a lot of work into despite bein' sick through most of it haha, anywho, have a nice day everyone!
Stay safe and please be well~!
Here's a pre-save link :( https://www.fuzznet.world/fuzznet-m.....t-music-detail )
It will be available for free on all platforms, including but not limited to:
Spotify
Apple Music
iTunes
Instagram/Facebook
Pandora
IHeart Radio
And many more!
This song will also be available on my Bandcamp for an asking price of 4 dollars USD, but anyone is allowed to purchase it for free (or more), as there will be an option to pay your own price! I unfortunately can't control the price on other platforms like Amazon music, this is why I want to offer it for free on my Bandcamp with the option to pay more just to support~
I will post an update on the day of release with links and all included for ease of access. I'm excited to share this new song with you all, I put a lot of work into despite bein' sick through most of it haha, anywho, have a nice day everyone!
Stay safe and please be well~!
Synesthesia?
Posted 2 years agoWarning: Very minor spoilers for the book "A Mango-Shaped Space".
I wanted to talk about something (somewhat) non-music related for a bit just for the fun of it, because I've had some neat experiences with it as of recent. I've had Synesthesia my entire life! I used to think of it more often when I was little, but It's just become a normal thing for me and I opt to not bring it up with most people because it's a lot to explain. Well... recently someone I now live with recommended a book called "A Mango-Shaped Space", which is a story about a little girl with Synesthesia, and wow... I am just blown away. I never thought a book would have so many direct exact replications of things I do or things I've felt so accurately (especially as a kid growing up with this confusing condition). Granted, I'm not much of a reader so how would I know? Haha. Anyway, I knew from just the first chapter that this had to be written by someone with Synesthesia just because of the little nuances that someone without it wouldn't have been able to replicate to this level and consistency in a book. For example, a line in the book is "Reading for me is hard sometimes, that's all. It's not that I don't like it." this was a statement said by a character with Synesthesia to back pedal after saying "I'm not too big on reading." for clarity. This is exactly something that happened to me as a kid. I love reading, it's wonderful, but I hardly do it because Synesthesia makes it difficult or overloading sometimes. In fact this book is the first I've started reading in years and I can only read a little of it every day or every other day. So for people with Synesthesia, it's easier to say that you aren't much of a reader simply to avoid the conversation or need to explain why you don't read often, but, this character felt it important enough of a distinction to explain that they do indeed like reading, simply that it's difficult sometimes. I understand not wanting to say that, because it implies a difficulty with reading itself, or understanding words, but it's simply a sensory overload caused by Synesthesia and not a mental capacity deficiency. I have often thought "Which do I choose?" with that kind of a situation and this book really let me know that there are others out there who have gone through those little things and struggles and experiences that are exclusive to Synesthesia.
If you know anyone who has Synesthesia and want to learn a bit more about them, or are just curious, I highly recommend this book.
In terms of music, I guess Synesthesia plays a significant roll in my creative process, sometimes I shape a sound around a color, or the other way around. Sometimes a song is made from the color of an emotion, the sound of a color. Music and emotions have a strong visual life to me, bright and textured and overwhelming like a painting you are forced to imagine. These differences really shape my music in an odd way that even I have noticed, but I like it. Anywho, I just wanted to share this neat little book with you guys and rant about Synesthesia for a bit~
Take care everyone, have a good day~!
I wanted to talk about something (somewhat) non-music related for a bit just for the fun of it, because I've had some neat experiences with it as of recent. I've had Synesthesia my entire life! I used to think of it more often when I was little, but It's just become a normal thing for me and I opt to not bring it up with most people because it's a lot to explain. Well... recently someone I now live with recommended a book called "A Mango-Shaped Space", which is a story about a little girl with Synesthesia, and wow... I am just blown away. I never thought a book would have so many direct exact replications of things I do or things I've felt so accurately (especially as a kid growing up with this confusing condition). Granted, I'm not much of a reader so how would I know? Haha. Anyway, I knew from just the first chapter that this had to be written by someone with Synesthesia just because of the little nuances that someone without it wouldn't have been able to replicate to this level and consistency in a book. For example, a line in the book is "Reading for me is hard sometimes, that's all. It's not that I don't like it." this was a statement said by a character with Synesthesia to back pedal after saying "I'm not too big on reading." for clarity. This is exactly something that happened to me as a kid. I love reading, it's wonderful, but I hardly do it because Synesthesia makes it difficult or overloading sometimes. In fact this book is the first I've started reading in years and I can only read a little of it every day or every other day. So for people with Synesthesia, it's easier to say that you aren't much of a reader simply to avoid the conversation or need to explain why you don't read often, but, this character felt it important enough of a distinction to explain that they do indeed like reading, simply that it's difficult sometimes. I understand not wanting to say that, because it implies a difficulty with reading itself, or understanding words, but it's simply a sensory overload caused by Synesthesia and not a mental capacity deficiency. I have often thought "Which do I choose?" with that kind of a situation and this book really let me know that there are others out there who have gone through those little things and struggles and experiences that are exclusive to Synesthesia.
If you know anyone who has Synesthesia and want to learn a bit more about them, or are just curious, I highly recommend this book.
In terms of music, I guess Synesthesia plays a significant roll in my creative process, sometimes I shape a sound around a color, or the other way around. Sometimes a song is made from the color of an emotion, the sound of a color. Music and emotions have a strong visual life to me, bright and textured and overwhelming like a painting you are forced to imagine. These differences really shape my music in an odd way that even I have noticed, but I like it. Anywho, I just wanted to share this neat little book with you guys and rant about Synesthesia for a bit~
Take care everyone, have a good day~!
News and New Music!
Posted 2 years agoAlright, so now that these past few months of craziness are finally over and I'm moved into my new place with all my equipment set up, lemme let you guys know what plans and news I've got! First of all, I'm no longer going to have my music on big mainstream platforms, largely due to the cost and also due to the fact that my fanbase (and earnings - 95%) are all here. It's not even worth it for me to have stuff out on those sites: they earn less, dealing with a label company is annoying, and I wanna have nice furry music that I can express myself with here on FA and on the smaller sites that have done me so well emotionally. I like my music to be on platforms where I can talk with everyone! This means that my first E.P. "Sit With Me." will be terminated soon from all platforms, but will still be able to be found on Bandcamp if anyone wants it for free. Also, frankly I feel this first album now no longer represents my current capabilities. So, from today on all of my content will only be through me, which I'm happy about, since I love this community so much and don't want any middle men. Woo for local furry content!
Now that we've got that all out there, here's the good news! Three new albums are in the works, they will be Bandcamp exclusives, each of which will now feature album art from local Furry artists! Get ready for...
Another Kind: A dark, retro synth, late-night city adventure album.
Bedtime Stories: A slow and somber 90s-2000s nostalgia album with modern electronica twists.
(Unnamed): A bright, emotional electronica album about the ups and downs of life.
On top of these I'll keep making and posting tracks here on FA! In summary, I'm all set up again! Commissions are open again, I've already got some tracks for these albums done, and two of the three album's art are already done and delivered! I can't wait to get them out there, teasers might appear soon also! Thanks so much everyone for having stuck with me through that hard time, I'm gonna keep getting used to the new area and keep getting settled in. Also... I was supposed to do something special for 200 watchers, but it came while I was moving! Maybe I can still celebrate somehow... heheh. We'll see!
I hope you all have a good day! Eeehee!
Now that we've got that all out there, here's the good news! Three new albums are in the works, they will be Bandcamp exclusives, each of which will now feature album art from local Furry artists! Get ready for...
Another Kind: A dark, retro synth, late-night city adventure album.
Bedtime Stories: A slow and somber 90s-2000s nostalgia album with modern electronica twists.
(Unnamed): A bright, emotional electronica album about the ups and downs of life.
On top of these I'll keep making and posting tracks here on FA! In summary, I'm all set up again! Commissions are open again, I've already got some tracks for these albums done, and two of the three album's art are already done and delivered! I can't wait to get them out there, teasers might appear soon also! Thanks so much everyone for having stuck with me through that hard time, I'm gonna keep getting used to the new area and keep getting settled in. Also... I was supposed to do something special for 200 watchers, but it came while I was moving! Maybe I can still celebrate somehow... heheh. We'll see!
I hope you all have a good day! Eeehee!
Big Updates! ^,..,^
Posted 2 years agoHello all of my fuzzy friends! A lot has happened in the past few months for me as some of you may know but i'll recap just to get everyone who cares to know all caught up on top of new news.
First of all, about three months I was kicked out of my home of 3 years because the owners who we were renting to (and paying the mortgage for) sold the house. They gave us a month's notice and since then I've been couch surfing without any of my personal belongings other than clothing, my stuff(including my equipment and instruments) is in a storage unit (which is why there has been no new music posted anywhere recently). During the past few months also, I've been going through medical troubles, (I'm not going to go into detail but i'm going to need a surgery and possibly more). On top of everything some individuals in my circle have been taken by Covid or other misfortune. All of these things on top of each other has really done a number on my mood but I'm staying strong. Lots of other things that weren't that great happened also, but what can you expect when you have three good years? Gotta have bad times sometime I suppose.
Now, for the good news, thanks to the occasional sale of my Bandcamp E.P. and private Shinies from fans (thank you all so much, you know who you all are) I've been able to pay medical copays and bills for longer than I thought I would, though my money has run out (mostly due to having to drive 6 hours to the nearest medical center under my insurance), these little amounts have allowed me to hold out enough right in time for what is the best news! I'm moving West with a friend! This is good because I won't have to worry about rent, will be able to recover medically, will have a room and a place to stay again, and will be MUCH closer to medical facilities. So no more 6 hour drives back and forth! No more spending nearly 100 dollars for gas money every appointment (I expect to be moved in by the 22nd of this month)! No more sleeping on a couch and not having privacy. Most of all though, by the end of the month I should be able to make music again! I've been losing my mind while not being able to make any music. Been studying and such on my off time on my phone in-between appointments, I've got a lot to now put into practice!
In other news, because Bandcamp has made more money than any other platform with my music, I'm going to be making more stuff specifically for there. I can be more personal and free on Bandcamp with music and I've already got some album covers and song layouts done (before I lost my home). I can't wait to release them and express through different styles and genres!
Anywho, I am grateful in a sense for this time away from my belongings and good health, it's allowed me to be grateful for the times when I am feeling better and when I can work on my music, and when I have my own space. I've also had nothing to do so I've been exploring the music of other artists here on FA and had a great time making new friends and finding new music. I've had basically nothing to do but chat and listen to things. Thanks again everypeep for the support, makes all this junk a little bit easier to power through. The moment I get a chance (i'm using a friend's chromebook to type this) to be on my own computer again, I'm going to reorganize my pages and update each post and folder, and start pumping out music again! Also, when I'm not so sick, I might start doing live shows again in L.A. like I used to ages ago since i'll be much closer!
That's it everybuddy, expect action again in a week or two! Have a nice day everyone, and please please please stay safe and i'm sorry for the recent gap.
First of all, about three months I was kicked out of my home of 3 years because the owners who we were renting to (and paying the mortgage for) sold the house. They gave us a month's notice and since then I've been couch surfing without any of my personal belongings other than clothing, my stuff(including my equipment and instruments) is in a storage unit (which is why there has been no new music posted anywhere recently). During the past few months also, I've been going through medical troubles, (I'm not going to go into detail but i'm going to need a surgery and possibly more). On top of everything some individuals in my circle have been taken by Covid or other misfortune. All of these things on top of each other has really done a number on my mood but I'm staying strong. Lots of other things that weren't that great happened also, but what can you expect when you have three good years? Gotta have bad times sometime I suppose.
Now, for the good news, thanks to the occasional sale of my Bandcamp E.P. and private Shinies from fans (thank you all so much, you know who you all are) I've been able to pay medical copays and bills for longer than I thought I would, though my money has run out (mostly due to having to drive 6 hours to the nearest medical center under my insurance), these little amounts have allowed me to hold out enough right in time for what is the best news! I'm moving West with a friend! This is good because I won't have to worry about rent, will be able to recover medically, will have a room and a place to stay again, and will be MUCH closer to medical facilities. So no more 6 hour drives back and forth! No more spending nearly 100 dollars for gas money every appointment (I expect to be moved in by the 22nd of this month)! No more sleeping on a couch and not having privacy. Most of all though, by the end of the month I should be able to make music again! I've been losing my mind while not being able to make any music. Been studying and such on my off time on my phone in-between appointments, I've got a lot to now put into practice!
In other news, because Bandcamp has made more money than any other platform with my music, I'm going to be making more stuff specifically for there. I can be more personal and free on Bandcamp with music and I've already got some album covers and song layouts done (before I lost my home). I can't wait to release them and express through different styles and genres!
Anywho, I am grateful in a sense for this time away from my belongings and good health, it's allowed me to be grateful for the times when I am feeling better and when I can work on my music, and when I have my own space. I've also had nothing to do so I've been exploring the music of other artists here on FA and had a great time making new friends and finding new music. I've had basically nothing to do but chat and listen to things. Thanks again everypeep for the support, makes all this junk a little bit easier to power through. The moment I get a chance (i'm using a friend's chromebook to type this) to be on my own computer again, I'm going to reorganize my pages and update each post and folder, and start pumping out music again! Also, when I'm not so sick, I might start doing live shows again in L.A. like I used to ages ago since i'll be much closer!
That's it everybuddy, expect action again in a week or two! Have a nice day everyone, and please please please stay safe and i'm sorry for the recent gap.