Views: 3856
Submissions: 38
Favs: 774
~Boiler3
Comic Artist, Slacker (not in that order)
She/Her Trans
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hobbes_Maxwell
Nsfw twitter: https://twitter.com/Boiler3NSFW
Patreon: http://patreon.com/Boiler3
Store: http://boiler3.square.site
She/Her Trans
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Hobbes_Maxwell
Nsfw twitter: https://twitter.com/Boiler3NSFW
Patreon: http://patreon.com/Boiler3
Store: http://boiler3.square.site
Featured Submission
Stats
Comments Earned: 49
Comments Made: 10
Journals: 10
Comments Made: 10
Journals: 10
Recent Journal
You don't know what you don't know (and that's OK!)
2 years ago
To anyone asking questions about their gender, and wondering how it's possible to "not know" let me tell you a story.
I didn't know for -decades-
it took me a lifetime of hating my body, feeling detached, bouncing between mood swings coping mechanisms etc etc.
That isn't to say I was never happy! I had so much joy and good people in my life, but eventually... I always came up asking myself why i never felt 'right'
over the years, I learned about what it meant to be transgender, and was always curious, but -knew- it wasn't for me. And when I wondered too hard, I would actively banish the thought from my mind.
When my trans friends would come out, or post pics of their progress, I was always in awe. I admired them, and was so proud of what they'd accomplished, but I also always felt frustrated. irritated a little even.
there was this feeling that..it wasn't fair. I had taken so long to accept who i was, to become comfortable" with myself, and they are just... switching genders?
(i know that's not correct, but my brainwashed boy-brain was still mired in it's own biases.)
Then I realized why. I wasn't angry. I was Jealous.
I was Jealous that my assigned male at birth friends were allowed to be female.
and I wasn't.
and even then it STILL didn't click.
My poor subconscious must have been beating her head against a wall screaming "OK bitch you're really this dense? fuck it, fine." because EVEN THEN it took 3 consecutive nights of dreaming I was female, before I woke up in a cold sweat and asked myself "wait...what if i was...?"
The thought terrified me. but once I knew I couldn't look away. It took weeks of confusion, but that gave-way to something even more powerful.
Excitement. The thought that I -could- be female, that this was who I am? i felt alive for the first time since...childhood.
I'm a month into HRT. it took me a lifetime to get here, and I have a mountain to climb to get to where I want to be, but for the first time ever I'm excited every singe day to take even one single step towards my goal of being myself.
So If you don't know, or if you have questions, or if you think it's not for you, that's OK. but don't ever stop searching for the better you that you know is out there. I promise it is, and when you find that you, it will be more wonderful than you can even imagine.
I didn't know for -decades-
it took me a lifetime of hating my body, feeling detached, bouncing between mood swings coping mechanisms etc etc.
That isn't to say I was never happy! I had so much joy and good people in my life, but eventually... I always came up asking myself why i never felt 'right'
over the years, I learned about what it meant to be transgender, and was always curious, but -knew- it wasn't for me. And when I wondered too hard, I would actively banish the thought from my mind.
When my trans friends would come out, or post pics of their progress, I was always in awe. I admired them, and was so proud of what they'd accomplished, but I also always felt frustrated. irritated a little even.
there was this feeling that..it wasn't fair. I had taken so long to accept who i was, to become comfortable" with myself, and they are just... switching genders?
(i know that's not correct, but my brainwashed boy-brain was still mired in it's own biases.)
Then I realized why. I wasn't angry. I was Jealous.
I was Jealous that my assigned male at birth friends were allowed to be female.
and I wasn't.
and even then it STILL didn't click.
My poor subconscious must have been beating her head against a wall screaming "OK bitch you're really this dense? fuck it, fine." because EVEN THEN it took 3 consecutive nights of dreaming I was female, before I woke up in a cold sweat and asked myself "wait...what if i was...?"
The thought terrified me. but once I knew I couldn't look away. It took weeks of confusion, but that gave-way to something even more powerful.
Excitement. The thought that I -could- be female, that this was who I am? i felt alive for the first time since...childhood.
I'm a month into HRT. it took me a lifetime to get here, and I have a mountain to climb to get to where I want to be, but for the first time ever I'm excited every singe day to take even one single step towards my goal of being myself.
So If you don't know, or if you have questions, or if you think it's not for you, that's OK. but don't ever stop searching for the better you that you know is out there. I promise it is, and when you find that you, it will be more wonderful than you can even imagine.
Sunny_Way