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~Ravenpuff
Danish hobby artist, Aromantic Asexual, she/they
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Comments Made: 7535
Journals: 55
Recent Journal
Canes And Worries - Venting
a month ago
Due to my fibromyalgia, I use a cane for mobility aid. Meant to help me preserve my energy when I go out, the longer I stay on my feet the more it exhausts me even if we only talk minutes.
Even on outings where full fatigue is not a risk, I also have the cane to help adjust my feet and walk properly. I'm hyper flexible in my ankles which has caused some minor issues over the years, but today mixing with the fibro, it has given me an on-off limping I'm very self conscious about. The cane helps me to walk correctly, or when fatigue makes it too hard to hide, the cane makes it excusable to walk weird. Walking with a weird limp without a cane makes me feel judged, while a cane shows it is a medical issue and excuses it.
I don't use the cane in my own home, unless I have guests over that I wish to conceal my limping from, I bring the came where ever I go now, for mentioned above reasons, but aware I don't always NEED it. Working on my self esteem I have been showing trust in family by leaving my cane to the side when visiting them. When not out in public, I'm not as ashamed of my limping.
Additional note, I've never received comments or judgement about my limping, is just my own social anxiety making me so self conscious about it.
But on occasions.. when in the privacy of my own home, I need the cane. I hate when my legs get so weak, that I need a cane to walk a few meters to the kitchen for a glass of water. I hate how the limping ads to my exhaustion from fibro. I hate having to use the cane outside the usual perimeters. Because it shows a growth in my sickness, that I cannot escape.
I fear a day the cane won't be enough. That I'll have to give in, and upgrade to much more visible mobility aid. A walker or wheelchair might be in my future one day. I'm already limited to so much as is, but the further limitations that change will bring..
And recently I was struck by a terrifying realization. Currently I can keep up with friends and family on outings because they are all having children. Pregnant people or adults with infants and toddlers are slowed down significantly, for the needs of their children.
But one day those children will grow up, big enough to set a much faster pace. And I've been struck by the fear of being left behind by then, especially if my conditions still worsens.
I don't seek motivational words or speeches, I don't look for rolemodels 'showing how it's done', that the only limitations of disability is what I set myself and blah blah. There are realities one must face. Not everyone has an ever running spring of will and strength to pull from, ESPECIALLY when disabled.
I can admit I'm afraid without needing being comforted. Is just facing up about parts of my reality so many don't have to face themselves.
I know my family would never leave me behind. So far I've lost no one to my disability, only met understanding and support. I'm not being babied either, as during get togethers they plan for tasks they know I can handle, so I'm still part of everything. I know how lucky I am, having so much support in my life.
It'll never erase the natural fear and worry that comes with limitations and facing up to what one used to take for granted. And what you know people around you still take for granted. It'll never be rid of the mourning one feel, for the life you can no longer live the way you once did.
Just thoughts I felt a need to share. All spurred on by the last couple of days of on-off needing to use my cane in my own home, knowing it's a sign how bad things are getting. But I also know it's not all bad. I still have a stable life, I'm still functional and able to live in my own. The limitations grow, but only ever so slowly, so I'll merely take it as a reminder to enjoy the moments of now.
It's scary to realize the new levels of "normal" to my every day life, compared to the past. But looking too far ahead into an unknown future is no help today.
Thank you for reading, as I share my thoughts.
Even on outings where full fatigue is not a risk, I also have the cane to help adjust my feet and walk properly. I'm hyper flexible in my ankles which has caused some minor issues over the years, but today mixing with the fibro, it has given me an on-off limping I'm very self conscious about. The cane helps me to walk correctly, or when fatigue makes it too hard to hide, the cane makes it excusable to walk weird. Walking with a weird limp without a cane makes me feel judged, while a cane shows it is a medical issue and excuses it.
I don't use the cane in my own home, unless I have guests over that I wish to conceal my limping from, I bring the came where ever I go now, for mentioned above reasons, but aware I don't always NEED it. Working on my self esteem I have been showing trust in family by leaving my cane to the side when visiting them. When not out in public, I'm not as ashamed of my limping.
Additional note, I've never received comments or judgement about my limping, is just my own social anxiety making me so self conscious about it.
But on occasions.. when in the privacy of my own home, I need the cane. I hate when my legs get so weak, that I need a cane to walk a few meters to the kitchen for a glass of water. I hate how the limping ads to my exhaustion from fibro. I hate having to use the cane outside the usual perimeters. Because it shows a growth in my sickness, that I cannot escape.
I fear a day the cane won't be enough. That I'll have to give in, and upgrade to much more visible mobility aid. A walker or wheelchair might be in my future one day. I'm already limited to so much as is, but the further limitations that change will bring..
And recently I was struck by a terrifying realization. Currently I can keep up with friends and family on outings because they are all having children. Pregnant people or adults with infants and toddlers are slowed down significantly, for the needs of their children.
But one day those children will grow up, big enough to set a much faster pace. And I've been struck by the fear of being left behind by then, especially if my conditions still worsens.
I don't seek motivational words or speeches, I don't look for rolemodels 'showing how it's done', that the only limitations of disability is what I set myself and blah blah. There are realities one must face. Not everyone has an ever running spring of will and strength to pull from, ESPECIALLY when disabled.
I can admit I'm afraid without needing being comforted. Is just facing up about parts of my reality so many don't have to face themselves.
I know my family would never leave me behind. So far I've lost no one to my disability, only met understanding and support. I'm not being babied either, as during get togethers they plan for tasks they know I can handle, so I'm still part of everything. I know how lucky I am, having so much support in my life.
It'll never erase the natural fear and worry that comes with limitations and facing up to what one used to take for granted. And what you know people around you still take for granted. It'll never be rid of the mourning one feel, for the life you can no longer live the way you once did.
Just thoughts I felt a need to share. All spurred on by the last couple of days of on-off needing to use my cane in my own home, knowing it's a sign how bad things are getting. But I also know it's not all bad. I still have a stable life, I'm still functional and able to live in my own. The limitations grow, but only ever so slowly, so I'll merely take it as a reminder to enjoy the moments of now.
It's scary to realize the new levels of "normal" to my every day life, compared to the past. But looking too far ahead into an unknown future is no help today.
Thank you for reading, as I share my thoughts.
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Dwrean
merry christmas still