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Journals: 110
Featured Journal
A conflicted and troubled mind. (Personal rant)
10 months agoI’m on the Autism Spectrum and for about more than half my life I’ve grown to have an interest in things related to ABDL, BDSM, and furries all around. And I’ll admit this right now, I’m starting to feel like I’m become bi-curious. And in those years that’ve gone by, I’ve slowly started to become envious and want to experience what it’s like to enjoy or even live those lifestyles and to meet and be friends with others just like me who share those interests. I’ve even got to experiment with those interests when I’m by myself and talk to others in that community, but there’s just one problem. I’m still living with my parents who don’t know my secrets.
Whenever I’m either on my tablet, my laptop, or even on my phone I make sure they don’t see what I’m looking at or chatting about with others online. Hell, I even have some items in my room that I pray they don’t find because I secretly have them stashed in either hard to see and reach places that needs some effort to reach them, or even in spots that you need to look closer at to see them. And that’s the dilemma I’m facing with, praying day after day that they don’t discover anything because I’m afraid of what they’ll say or do to me since they don’t know.
Recently, I’ve been starting to think about wanting to move out of my parents house and find a place for me to start calling a new home and prepare myself for the future, I mean, how many parents still let their children live with them after almost 30 years since you were born. By finding my own place to live, I can finally stretch out my legs and interests and begin to explore what I’m missing out on without my parents having to worry where I am 24/7/365. I’ve always wanted to go to certain conventions and concerts by myself or with others, travel across the country or even the planet to meet up with people, try out different things to see if I like it, or even find someone or some people to live with.
But at the same time, I also worry about my parents and the worst case scenario. It’s been 6 years since my grandfather passed away and my grandparents all live in senior houses, I always fear who’ll be next to go, and if I’m away I’ll never be there to say goodbye. My mom’s physical health is bad and hasn’t worked in 4 years, they’re barely pay the bills for the house, my sister moves back in with us next month once she finishes college. And if I do end up owning an apartment, will they have to move in with me because they can no longer afford the house and do I have to abandon everything I wanted to do because I’m afraid of being caught? On one side it’s the freedom to explore my interests and meet different people, but on the other side it’s my loving and caring parents who’ve protected me all my life.
I don’t know what to do, I’m so conflicted with myself and wish I could talk to those who understand what I’m going through with right now or even share their stories with me.
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Fox
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80's rock and metal, dubstep
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