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Here's a piece narrated by everyone's favorite bat and bird-hating Dragonite, Leo! Here he gives some snapshots of his thoughts on various species of avians, along with giving some recipe hints on how to best prepare them if you want to eat them, which he approves of. Anyway, if you love birds, turn away, because this guide might not be for you, but I'll let Leo say the rest.
Hello!
Your (presumably) favorite Dragonite is here to tell you a little bit about a subject I’m passionate about: Birds. Before I go on, it’s not what it sounds like. If you love birds and are here to learn more about them, then I’d recommend closing your computer, because the following pages will probably upset you. No no no no. This is way more like a cookbook than something educational about feathered animals. You see, I hate birds. HATE them. Not as much as I hate bats (I think they’re the worst creatures on earth), but my hate of crows often rivals my seething disdain for bats. Why you may ask? You can ask me about bats later. This isn’t about them. This is about birds. Birds, despite what animal lovers will tell you, are mostly vermin. They don’t REALLy have a reason to exist. Most things good they do us pokemon and do even better. They’re loud, they take up space, and they’re very annoying, especially the birds of prey who think they can make meals of small pokemon. I’m always glad to hear when a pikachu zaps and attacking owl or a zubat poisons a hungry falcon.
Anyway, here is my guide to several kinds of birds, along with a recommendation on how to eat them, if you’re so inclined.
Crows: I’ll start with the worst. This member of the corvid family challenges bats as being the most worthless creature on earth. They’re invasive, loud, destructive, and there’s sooooooo many of them. I swear, whenever I hear “Caw...caw...CAW!” I turn into a hungry cat on those things. They’re fun to swallow whole (if you’re big enough to do so) because then their caws become despairing, and thus music to my ears. They’ll flap around in your stomach until they digest, and you’ll be belching up black feathers for hours. I recommend collecting these feathers to make accessories. There are hundreds of great crow recipes out there, as, maybe surprise, there are many places in the world where people commonly (literally) eat crow, which makes me happy. There are also often crow-hunting contests, which I’m angry to learn that most animal activists have put an end to. Crows are great in a stew, a pie, or even fried. What’s that saying about blackbird pie? Either way, make it a crow pie! Estimated crows I’ve eaten: 7,346.
Cockatoos: Now the second worst. These LOUD parrots never shut up. People say they’re really smart and sweet but I don’t see it at all. I think they’re dumb, and, like crows, basically serve no purpose. I enjoy raiding pet stores that sell these birds and eating them so no poor neighbor has to suffer not getting sleep because of a loud parrot ever again. I also eat their parakeets, budgies, and macaws too. Basically if it’s a parrot, it’s stupid and is better off being food. Cockatoos are really good grilled. I like a splash of lemon and ginger on mine if I’m cooking with my trainer. They’re also really good and filling on a skewer. Estimated cockatoos I’ve eaten: 1,812.
Hawks: Birds of prey? Perhaps the stupidest classification I’ve ever heard. If these birds are apex predators, then why can I hunt them so easily? Clearly these scientists didn’t consider a Dragonite’s diet. Hawks are really tasty. Tastier than chicken, and I think if more people ate them then interest in chicken would deplete and hawks would be common food. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d love to eat a McDonald’s McHawk. As I said, these things are often ineffective against pokemon, and are totally embarrassed on a food chain-wide level. I see no reason not to treat these things like turkeys. I HATE the thought of these birds thinking they’re predators. Trust me, they’re easy to hunt. They’re wings are great fried and their meat is thick and juicy in a pot pie. Also, wear their feet as necklace pieces. People will think you’re cool. Estimated hawks I’ve eaten: 2,309.
Eagles: No, not the rock group, I’m talking about these laughable birds that people think are good enough to be national icons. The bald eagle? Are you kidding me? One stomp is enough to kill them. Why wasn’t a dragonite chosen as America’s mascot? Grrrr it makes me so mad thinking about it. Real talk, it might be frowned upon to hunt bald eagles, but they’re one of the tastiest birds in existence. If anything, the argument for conservation should be to increase their numbers so we all can eat them en masse. They’re also not even majestic. You ever hear the sound a bald eagle makes? It’s not a screech. It’s more like a seagull squeak. And they’re hardly hunters, more like scavengers. I can scavenge way better than them, or vultures, or buzzards, so let’s all just eat them and forget about the mythology of them. Bald eagle’s are great slow cooked and served like a Thanksgiving turkey. They’re good honeybaked too, and even made into nuggets. Estimated bald eagles I’ve eaten: 445.
Owls: Hoooooot. As in, hunting these animals is a hoot. They’re nocturnal, which motivates me to get my nightly exercise by hunting them. I also hunt bats at night most of the time too (oh you know what’s good? Bat-stuffed owl). They’re very noisy, and often very easy to track with the talent of a Dragonite (dear God, screech owls, how have they not been hunted to extinction yet?). There’s nothing wise about them. If I’m being complementary to other birds, these things aren’t even some of the most intelligent birds. Crows are considered smarter (I’m going to vomit) so I don’t see the appeal these birds have at all. A swat of a tennis racket can knock them out for good, and they’re not even as good as falcons when putting up a fight when in your clawed grasp. They’re good in soup. Their meat really absorbs broth, good basted and cooked to a golden crisp. I find that flame roasting them also brings out a lot of great natural flavors. Estimated owls I’ve eaten: 3,009.
Penguins: I can hear you now “Leo, why do you hate them? They’re cute and harmless and they just waddle around.” NO. That’s how they get you. They’re just like any other bird but you think they’re cute because they have no natural land predator and because of that they may even be friendly to humans. But facts are facts. They’re birds. The tastiest, most digestible of all creatures, and also very unnecessary. Many kinds of ice type pokemon are capable of serving their same function, and none of those are nearly as tasty as a good penguin. They are the ice cream of the bird world. Tasty treats to have after you’ve eaten all your crow and hawk. Their meat is good with ice cream. No, I’m not kidding. Try it. Their meat is good being served grilled and, my favorite, hush puppy fried. Adding a sweet barbecue sauce will have you dreaming about your next penguin meal. Estimated penguins I’ve eaten: 1,723.
Pigeon: Do I even have to say anything? This is probably, next to crows, the most widely disliked bird in existence. They’re literally everywhere, poop on everything, and only exist to bother you for breadcrumbs. You have any idea how many people we could feed by using them for food? I don’t see why we don’t. I even once saw a Rattata kill a pigeon, that’s how low they are. These airborne rats have had it too good for too long, and it’s about time I went berserk in a town square and roasted hundreds of them with a dragonbreath attack. Their meat is good in a pie or a stew, and honest to God, tastes just like chicken. If I gave you a fried pigeon sandwich, you would never know it wasn’t chicken. Estimated pigeons I’ve eaten: 6,894.
Seagull: The pigeons of the beaches. Loud, bothersome, and they always ruin great vacation photos, these ridiculous, annoying things need to be culled. Wingulls are so much better. They’re friendly, considerate, and even useful to humanity. Sometimes I don’t hunt them myself. I like to swat them into the water and watch sharks and dolphins eat them. It always pleases me to know I was largely responsible for their end, while also feeding creatures I like significantly more than them. I’ve been scolded for hunting them in the past, since I’ve also succeeded in traumatizing children at the beach who see me slashing them or shooting them with my Pokemon attacks. Anyway, like crows and pigeons, there’s waaaaaaaay too many of them. We need to start eating them. I promise you won’t regret it. Their meat is tasty with vinegar and steak sauce (sounds sacreligious to some, I get it, but I promise it’s good). If you’re okay eating bones, they’re wings are crunchy and honey is a great addition to any seagull recipe. Estimated seagulls I’ve eaten: 5,375.
Thank you for joining me in my guide to birds! If there are other birds, or any other creatures, you’d like me to cover in a future installment, please do let me know. I have all kinds of opinions and do like sharing them with those that’ll listen with an open mind. For now, just remember, if it’s a bird, go ahead and eat it.
Hello!
Your (presumably) favorite Dragonite is here to tell you a little bit about a subject I’m passionate about: Birds. Before I go on, it’s not what it sounds like. If you love birds and are here to learn more about them, then I’d recommend closing your computer, because the following pages will probably upset you. No no no no. This is way more like a cookbook than something educational about feathered animals. You see, I hate birds. HATE them. Not as much as I hate bats (I think they’re the worst creatures on earth), but my hate of crows often rivals my seething disdain for bats. Why you may ask? You can ask me about bats later. This isn’t about them. This is about birds. Birds, despite what animal lovers will tell you, are mostly vermin. They don’t REALLy have a reason to exist. Most things good they do us pokemon and do even better. They’re loud, they take up space, and they’re very annoying, especially the birds of prey who think they can make meals of small pokemon. I’m always glad to hear when a pikachu zaps and attacking owl or a zubat poisons a hungry falcon.
Anyway, here is my guide to several kinds of birds, along with a recommendation on how to eat them, if you’re so inclined.
Crows: I’ll start with the worst. This member of the corvid family challenges bats as being the most worthless creature on earth. They’re invasive, loud, destructive, and there’s sooooooo many of them. I swear, whenever I hear “Caw...caw...CAW!” I turn into a hungry cat on those things. They’re fun to swallow whole (if you’re big enough to do so) because then their caws become despairing, and thus music to my ears. They’ll flap around in your stomach until they digest, and you’ll be belching up black feathers for hours. I recommend collecting these feathers to make accessories. There are hundreds of great crow recipes out there, as, maybe surprise, there are many places in the world where people commonly (literally) eat crow, which makes me happy. There are also often crow-hunting contests, which I’m angry to learn that most animal activists have put an end to. Crows are great in a stew, a pie, or even fried. What’s that saying about blackbird pie? Either way, make it a crow pie! Estimated crows I’ve eaten: 7,346.
Cockatoos: Now the second worst. These LOUD parrots never shut up. People say they’re really smart and sweet but I don’t see it at all. I think they’re dumb, and, like crows, basically serve no purpose. I enjoy raiding pet stores that sell these birds and eating them so no poor neighbor has to suffer not getting sleep because of a loud parrot ever again. I also eat their parakeets, budgies, and macaws too. Basically if it’s a parrot, it’s stupid and is better off being food. Cockatoos are really good grilled. I like a splash of lemon and ginger on mine if I’m cooking with my trainer. They’re also really good and filling on a skewer. Estimated cockatoos I’ve eaten: 1,812.
Hawks: Birds of prey? Perhaps the stupidest classification I’ve ever heard. If these birds are apex predators, then why can I hunt them so easily? Clearly these scientists didn’t consider a Dragonite’s diet. Hawks are really tasty. Tastier than chicken, and I think if more people ate them then interest in chicken would deplete and hawks would be common food. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d love to eat a McDonald’s McHawk. As I said, these things are often ineffective against pokemon, and are totally embarrassed on a food chain-wide level. I see no reason not to treat these things like turkeys. I HATE the thought of these birds thinking they’re predators. Trust me, they’re easy to hunt. They’re wings are great fried and their meat is thick and juicy in a pot pie. Also, wear their feet as necklace pieces. People will think you’re cool. Estimated hawks I’ve eaten: 2,309.
Eagles: No, not the rock group, I’m talking about these laughable birds that people think are good enough to be national icons. The bald eagle? Are you kidding me? One stomp is enough to kill them. Why wasn’t a dragonite chosen as America’s mascot? Grrrr it makes me so mad thinking about it. Real talk, it might be frowned upon to hunt bald eagles, but they’re one of the tastiest birds in existence. If anything, the argument for conservation should be to increase their numbers so we all can eat them en masse. They’re also not even majestic. You ever hear the sound a bald eagle makes? It’s not a screech. It’s more like a seagull squeak. And they’re hardly hunters, more like scavengers. I can scavenge way better than them, or vultures, or buzzards, so let’s all just eat them and forget about the mythology of them. Bald eagle’s are great slow cooked and served like a Thanksgiving turkey. They’re good honeybaked too, and even made into nuggets. Estimated bald eagles I’ve eaten: 445.
Owls: Hoooooot. As in, hunting these animals is a hoot. They’re nocturnal, which motivates me to get my nightly exercise by hunting them. I also hunt bats at night most of the time too (oh you know what’s good? Bat-stuffed owl). They’re very noisy, and often very easy to track with the talent of a Dragonite (dear God, screech owls, how have they not been hunted to extinction yet?). There’s nothing wise about them. If I’m being complementary to other birds, these things aren’t even some of the most intelligent birds. Crows are considered smarter (I’m going to vomit) so I don’t see the appeal these birds have at all. A swat of a tennis racket can knock them out for good, and they’re not even as good as falcons when putting up a fight when in your clawed grasp. They’re good in soup. Their meat really absorbs broth, good basted and cooked to a golden crisp. I find that flame roasting them also brings out a lot of great natural flavors. Estimated owls I’ve eaten: 3,009.
Penguins: I can hear you now “Leo, why do you hate them? They’re cute and harmless and they just waddle around.” NO. That’s how they get you. They’re just like any other bird but you think they’re cute because they have no natural land predator and because of that they may even be friendly to humans. But facts are facts. They’re birds. The tastiest, most digestible of all creatures, and also very unnecessary. Many kinds of ice type pokemon are capable of serving their same function, and none of those are nearly as tasty as a good penguin. They are the ice cream of the bird world. Tasty treats to have after you’ve eaten all your crow and hawk. Their meat is good with ice cream. No, I’m not kidding. Try it. Their meat is good being served grilled and, my favorite, hush puppy fried. Adding a sweet barbecue sauce will have you dreaming about your next penguin meal. Estimated penguins I’ve eaten: 1,723.
Pigeon: Do I even have to say anything? This is probably, next to crows, the most widely disliked bird in existence. They’re literally everywhere, poop on everything, and only exist to bother you for breadcrumbs. You have any idea how many people we could feed by using them for food? I don’t see why we don’t. I even once saw a Rattata kill a pigeon, that’s how low they are. These airborne rats have had it too good for too long, and it’s about time I went berserk in a town square and roasted hundreds of them with a dragonbreath attack. Their meat is good in a pie or a stew, and honest to God, tastes just like chicken. If I gave you a fried pigeon sandwich, you would never know it wasn’t chicken. Estimated pigeons I’ve eaten: 6,894.
Seagull: The pigeons of the beaches. Loud, bothersome, and they always ruin great vacation photos, these ridiculous, annoying things need to be culled. Wingulls are so much better. They’re friendly, considerate, and even useful to humanity. Sometimes I don’t hunt them myself. I like to swat them into the water and watch sharks and dolphins eat them. It always pleases me to know I was largely responsible for their end, while also feeding creatures I like significantly more than them. I’ve been scolded for hunting them in the past, since I’ve also succeeded in traumatizing children at the beach who see me slashing them or shooting them with my Pokemon attacks. Anyway, like crows and pigeons, there’s waaaaaaaay too many of them. We need to start eating them. I promise you won’t regret it. Their meat is tasty with vinegar and steak sauce (sounds sacreligious to some, I get it, but I promise it’s good). If you’re okay eating bones, they’re wings are crunchy and honey is a great addition to any seagull recipe. Estimated seagulls I’ve eaten: 5,375.
Thank you for joining me in my guide to birds! If there are other birds, or any other creatures, you’d like me to cover in a future installment, please do let me know. I have all kinds of opinions and do like sharing them with those that’ll listen with an open mind. For now, just remember, if it’s a bird, go ahead and eat it.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 120 x 68px
Thanks! I hope to use him way more from now on, because now he doesn't just hate bats. Now, basically, if it flies, he hates it. XD
Hmmm excellent question, actually. I think those he's fine with, even if they're not Pokemon, but I'm sure he's open to hating them too hehe. I hates soooo many things besides bats and birds, such as rats, mice, bugs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, octopuses, even orcas he's slowly really disliking.
he wouldn't hate a little dragon that loves him, would he? ♥️
Leo: *smiles, surprisingly warmly* Awww I can't hate something so cute and small, especially if you're so fond of me.
*purrs happily and snuggles close*
awwww thanks big guy~ ♥️
awwww thanks big guy~ ♥️
Leo: You're welcome! *holds you tight against his large belly* Ignore all the cawing from inside. I just ate like a hundred crows.
its ok bud~
*snuggles against your soft belly*
so warm~
*snuggles against your soft belly*
so warm~
Leo: Let me know when birds are bothering you, and I'll show them no mercy. *smiles as he rubs your head with his claws*
Leo: I usually don't even use my Pokemon powers to catch them, I have a tennis racket to swat them with. *laughs as he kisses you back on the snout*
Leo: Using the racket is so much fun. Last night I swatted so many bats and owls. Why haven't I won an award? *licks your face lathering it with drool*
*blushes more, softly hugging your tongue*
You've certainly won my heart~ ♥️
You've certainly won my heart~ ♥️
Leo: I love how you love my cruelty. Not everyone does. *starts tasting your whole body, moaning* Mmmm snack.
Wow Leo really hates birds. The owl part is my favorite. I bet we are quite tasty.
He sure does! Birds only exist to be food for him. Owls are delicious. Amazing more people don’t eat them.
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