~MyEmetophobia
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Aden ▌ FtM♂ ▌ May 4th ▌ California ▌ Polyamorous
Together since May 2015
I love you to all the way to the moon and back.
To mars and back. My 🍯 Bunches Of 🐐🐐🐐.
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Submissions: 1577
Favs: 146044
Comments Made: 18842
Journals: 21
Featured Journal
[Art/Personal Update]
3 years agoSo, I thought I would take the time to write out a bit of a lengthy journal.
Essentially, a comprehension of everything going on behind the scenes with my art and possibly where I need to go moving forward.
I’m going to try not to get too personal about this.
I just want to give a really rough overview in case anyone needs a proper explanation for what is going on. I’d rather keep my private life mostly to myself, so some of the details I’m not going to dive too deep into. This cake is layered, and I’m just giving you an overview of the surface.
Some folks might know that I’ve been dealing with a particular problem in regards to my artwork process. For those that do not, I’ll try to explain it.
Essentially, in the past year or year in a half, I have developed something which I refer to as ‘the itch’. It is similar in sensation to a mosquito bite. While I start to line my artwork, I suddenly get this overwhelming need to reline the piece. My mind tells me, no matter how far along I am, that something looks wrong with the piece and that the current linework will not work. Either the linework is too thick, too thin, the anatomy looks wrong which means the linework is wrong, etc.
A lot of common tricks recommended to me do not work.
Before anyone writes in the comments to try their method of getting over it, here are some examples of things I’ve tried that get highly recommended to me;
- Push past the wall and just finish the picture, even if I am unhappy with it
-Scrapping the entire image and restarting the picture with a whole new sketch
-Switching to working on a personal project
-Switching to working on scribbles
-Trying to a different method of linework or different art form
-Take a break from the piece for a couple of days or more
-Scrap the image entirely and work on something else
-Scribble something beforehand to work out my art muscles on something else intense
-Body studies
-Motion studies
-Therapy
Generally speaking, I feel like I have tried nearly everything to push past this particular problem. It is not something that I can just straight up ignore. Not because I do not have the willpower; but, more because I physically get sick if I push myself past those limits. Even when I take a break, and come back to a piece, or switch to a whole different piece, the problem still persists.
To say it is debilitating is an understatement.
I have not felt this low about my artwork in a long time and the more it drags on the deeper I fall into this spiral of self-loathing and cutting criticism.
I do not feel confident in my current ability to be able to remain at my professional standards in regards to commissions. Currently, I would not be able to put out work that I would deem as sufficient enough in a timely enough manner.
In example, the commission work that I have managed to finish has taken me weeks to finish. With my putting in full time work hour levels into each piece per day and without seeing any gains for many of those days. I simply cannot feel good about myself having a commissioner go through that process and watch me essentially hack at a piece until it reaches a particular rudimentary standard in my head.
For the time being, I am going to stick solely to personal artwork, YCHs and small easy to do commission pieces like busts that will in a similar first come first serve style. To think of doing any projects that are not completely in my control right now is something I mentally do not think I can handle.
That also means that I am going to completely gut my queue.
I cannot promise a spot in my waitlist anymore. There is no certain day when I will be able to either get a firm handle on this problem or get over it completely. For that reason, I’m not going to have people wait in the wings for some unforeseen time gate.
Artwork is going to come out of me at a snail’s pace.
There is no workaround to that.
I will work as efficiently as I can.
Just know, in advance, that I am working near daily. There just is not a lot of progress to show for the hours of work I spend on it currently.
In short;
I essentially need a couple of wins.
I’ve been hit with loss after loss and I’m getting close to wanting to leave the tournament with how badly it is affecting me mentally.
I love my work. I love what I do. But, I somehow lost the spirit that I once had. I lost it back in 2019 and I would really like to try to find it again.
Back when I did not have this particular itch nipping at my heels and ruining the fun and joy I had in the process of creating work.
I hope that all of you can understand.
I mean it when I say that I am truly trying my best.
For those that were waiting in the queue, I am deeply sorry.
This is for the best, in my opinion, for my own mental and physical health.
Also, thank you for the support and to all my close friends that have seen me try to run through this tar pit first hand. The true legends in my life right now.
Also also, apologies in advance for any writing errors. English may be my first language but I've never really been great at it.
ohonions