A Definitive Disaster
A Definitive Disaster
Perfesser Bear Writes
Wilson G. Bear
dis·as·ter
/dəˈzastər/
noun: disaster; plural noun: disasters
a sudden event, such as an accident or a natural catastrophe, that causes great damage or loss of life.
"159 people died in the disaster"
The English word disaster has its roots in Greek, Italian and French. The ancient Greeks used the word δυσἀστήρ, 'dusaster' or 'bad star'. Literally, The Fault in Our Stars. If you were born under a bad one, you could blame your bad luck (or poor choices) on astrological or zodiacal phenomena.
I just heard about the NEOWISE comet this morning. It is traditional to name comets and other astronomical objects after their discoverer, and this one was named after a machine, a space telescope satellite, Near-Earth Object, Wide-field Infrared Survey Explorer.
I did some deep research on a lot of websites (the Jet Propulsion Lab is great for this), then some calculations. Okay, lots of calculations. Like, spreadsheets that call programs that call databases. Now, I've got some bad news and I've got some good news.
The bad news is, at three miles in diameter, the largest thing that has ever hit the planet is going to strike the Earth Thursday afternoon, wiping out virtually every trace of life in the world in an unprecedented extinction event.
The good news is, we can stop worrying about making our next rent payment and curing COVID-19.
NOTICES:
In the interest of full disclosure, Fur Affinity and its moderators caution against following the advice of or making decisions based on the comments of the contributor known as 'Perfesser Bear'. He is not a Professor of anything and should not be taken seriously. This man is not a Doctor, nor does he play one on TV. Notice that at no time do his fingers leave his hands. Not available in Sectors R or N after Curfew. Slightly higher in the West and South. Close cover before striking. Light fuse and get away. Subject to change without notice. Please allow 4-8 weeks delivery except in Alaska or Siberia, where you will have to track it down and kill it yourself.
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For economic reasons, we are required to purchase disclaimers by the pound and sort through them for the ones we need.
The white zone is for loading and unloading only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
The Firesign Theater: I Think We're All Bozos on This Bus (1971).
Sadly I wasn't lucky enuff to be acquainted with them first hand...or second hand...maybe third hand tho...
I did see Airplane! tho'...So this whole disclaimer is about where to park taxis?
I did see Airplane! tho'...So this whole disclaimer is about where to park taxis?
A little about them here. If you find it all clear and obvious after reading that, see a doctor, you're seriously messed up. If it leaves confused and shattered, you're perfectly normal.
This was late-1980s group humor along the lines of Cheech and Chong. Lots of media and pop culture parody, smart stuff and really weird, like turn-it-up-to-11 off the wall.
They started off with four member,s and like the Beatles, the Monkees or Monty Python, they've lost a couple along the way. It's not for everybody, especially people who weren't there and then.
This was late-1980s group humor along the lines of Cheech and Chong. Lots of media and pop culture parody, smart stuff and really weird, like turn-it-up-to-11 off the wall.
They started off with four member,s and like the Beatles, the Monkees or Monty Python, they've lost a couple along the way. It's not for everybody, especially people who weren't there and then.
I'm waiting for someone to freak out and send me a bunch of facts and figures -- or 'end times' proclamations.
Best I've heard so far was that the "2012" doom and gloom was a typo...
It was s'posed to be "2021"...
:/
It was s'posed to be "2021"...
:/
Yeah, somebody mistranslated the ancient Mayan inscription for "Continued on Next Rock."
I was in kinda a dark place this morning, and that comet thing jumped out at me. It was a setup for satire.
'There goes that rotten Haley's Comet
It makes me sick
I want to vomet'
- B. Kliban
It makes me sick
I want to vomet'
- B. Kliban
Haven't thought about that one in years! I had all his Cat books years ago.
Neowise's icy nucleus is actually a long lost ball belonging to a celestial dog. We get smacked with a drooly sphere. And later the dog shows up to find an even bigger sphere in orbit...
Time to pray to Dog....
Time to pray to Dog....
that is as good an explanation as any... *sighs... at last, an end to political commercials...
V.
V.
It's a poorly kept secret that one of Great Britain's most terrifying weapons during World War one was the Dog Brigade. A handler would line up a dozen or more Pembroke Welsh Corgis on the edge of a trench, then throw a single rubber ball at the Huns. The results of the tactic were so horrendous, the Germans demanded it be banned by the Geneva Convention.
Cat is good, but not representative of his surreal (some would say batshit crazy) usual style - try Never Eat Anything bigger Than Your Head, Whack Your Porcupine!, Luminous Animals or The biggest Tongue in Tunisia - or anything else, really!
I tend to bundle them all together, but I guess that's like saying Edward Gorey drew cat books (I discovered Amphigorey in the early 1970s). I know weird stuff about Kliban, such as his widow, Judith, married Bill Bixby (The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Incredible Hulk).
And My Favorite Martian - a TV staple when I was a kid.
Good call mentioning Gorey and Kliban together. They're two of my favourite writer/illustrators - well, they ARE my two favourites. I think I discovered them within about a month of each other, when I was working in a bookshop age 17. The guy I worked with was in his 60's, and I remember standing behind the counter with him reading Gorey and Kliban and cracking up so much neither of us could serve customers.
Good call mentioning Gorey and Kliban together. They're two of my favourite writer/illustrators - well, they ARE my two favourites. I think I discovered them within about a month of each other, when I was working in a bookshop age 17. The guy I worked with was in his 60's, and I remember standing behind the counter with him reading Gorey and Kliban and cracking up so much neither of us could serve customers.
Throw Charles Addams and Gahan Wilson into the mix, for me. Or just read the comments I made on this Deviation.
Yeah, Gahan Wilson was another favourite. Sad to hear he passed away last year. His strip 'Nuts' in National Lampoon was a highlight of the magazine, long after the rest of the magazine stopped being much good (along with Shary Flenniken's 'Trots and bonnie')
I love doing pseudoscience pieces. Cryptid mentions my article about solar panels, There's a Little Black Spot on the Sun Today.
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