The number got to big
a year ago
So I'm making a new one. Feels weird. Not really entirely sure what to say. A lot of change since I last posted. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. A lot of new life experience. But still here so, y'know.
I've felt pretty disconnected from the community for a while. Not necessarily because I want to be, but just due to a combination of drifting friend circles, poorly maintained relationships, not spending time on personal art and posting / engaging with others, and being all around generally busy and having other priorities. IDK, doesn't necessarily feel great but I find it hard to engage. Covid didn't help, been a while since a con, and I'm shorter on free time and money to boot. IDK, in some ways I often find it hard to relate to people in this community. I've always had a hard time matching the energy, I'm anything but an excitable fun-loving bouncy person. I often find people more my speed in other places. But ultimately feel unfulfilled for the lack of the special kind of understanding I can only find here, where people just intuitively jive with some of the ways my broken brain ticks. Clearly it's something I need, but I guess I just don't really know how to navigate the waters.
I've just been feeling more and more skittish. Finding it harder and harder to love myself. hard to trust myself. hard to reach out, make new connections, or create new things from a place of vulnerability. You always tell yourself you'll do a better job, but life has a way of keeping you busy, giving you corners to hide in. Makes it really convenient not to do any of that icky self improvement. I challenge myself to try harder and it only ever feels disingenuous, fake, and forced, and I just feel worse for the effort. All of this just to say that I'm still trying to figure out the language I can use to express myself, even after all this time. Parts of me know I've made progress, but in some ways it feels like you never change.
Surprise I just, don't feel like I have many things figured out. But then again who does? Sometimes it really seems like some people do, but experience tells me nobody really does, right?
But there's exciting things going on as well, and I try not to lose sight of that. Things I hope to talk about soon. And that hopefully don't blow up in my face.
Exploring so many new avenues for my work and creative life makes it hard to find time to focus on the things I used to. It's one part spreading myself to thin, but also one part making sacrifices for other things I want, at the expense of some things I used to care about a lot, and in some ways still do. It's strange to feel as if I've grown so much in some places but stagnated or backpedaled in others. I want to revisit and recapture some of that, but I need more time, more money, and some personal stability to make it happen. Things I'm working towards.
I want to make new things, I still want to improve, and I still want to share it with others.
Anyhow I hope you're all well out there, old friends and strangers alike. Take the little things in stride and take the big things to heart, or something.
EDIT: Hey just making it clear I'm totally fine, In a day to day sense things are super normal. Just feeling introspective, y'know. Thanks tons for the kinds words.
I've felt pretty disconnected from the community for a while. Not necessarily because I want to be, but just due to a combination of drifting friend circles, poorly maintained relationships, not spending time on personal art and posting / engaging with others, and being all around generally busy and having other priorities. IDK, doesn't necessarily feel great but I find it hard to engage. Covid didn't help, been a while since a con, and I'm shorter on free time and money to boot. IDK, in some ways I often find it hard to relate to people in this community. I've always had a hard time matching the energy, I'm anything but an excitable fun-loving bouncy person. I often find people more my speed in other places. But ultimately feel unfulfilled for the lack of the special kind of understanding I can only find here, where people just intuitively jive with some of the ways my broken brain ticks. Clearly it's something I need, but I guess I just don't really know how to navigate the waters.
I've just been feeling more and more skittish. Finding it harder and harder to love myself. hard to trust myself. hard to reach out, make new connections, or create new things from a place of vulnerability. You always tell yourself you'll do a better job, but life has a way of keeping you busy, giving you corners to hide in. Makes it really convenient not to do any of that icky self improvement. I challenge myself to try harder and it only ever feels disingenuous, fake, and forced, and I just feel worse for the effort. All of this just to say that I'm still trying to figure out the language I can use to express myself, even after all this time. Parts of me know I've made progress, but in some ways it feels like you never change.
Surprise I just, don't feel like I have many things figured out. But then again who does? Sometimes it really seems like some people do, but experience tells me nobody really does, right?
But there's exciting things going on as well, and I try not to lose sight of that. Things I hope to talk about soon. And that hopefully don't blow up in my face.
Exploring so many new avenues for my work and creative life makes it hard to find time to focus on the things I used to. It's one part spreading myself to thin, but also one part making sacrifices for other things I want, at the expense of some things I used to care about a lot, and in some ways still do. It's strange to feel as if I've grown so much in some places but stagnated or backpedaled in others. I want to revisit and recapture some of that, but I need more time, more money, and some personal stability to make it happen. Things I'm working towards.
I want to make new things, I still want to improve, and I still want to share it with others.
Anyhow I hope you're all well out there, old friends and strangers alike. Take the little things in stride and take the big things to heart, or something.
EDIT: Hey just making it clear I'm totally fine, In a day to day sense things are super normal. Just feeling introspective, y'know. Thanks tons for the kinds words.
I hope you find what you're looking for!
Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope this journey of self-discovery continues to go well for you. Know that you're thought of by this random guy on the internet, and please take care~
Sometimes it's tough to find the right spot to fit into. I can relate, and I think most people can, also. I've met a lot of great people in the fandom, though I'm very cognizant that many more others put me off; it's an interesting balancing act and always a quest to create the right group.
Your art always brings a smile when I see it. I have a lot of things of yours saved going back at least to 2014 and it's great stuff. I hope you'll keep working on things that make you happy and sharing it with all of us.
Thanks for being here.
I also understand what people mean when they say go out and touch grass. I live near a park with a redwood grove, and Getting outside and hiking among the silent trees can be rejuvenating (as well as being decent exercise).
Take your time getting back in gear, and trust your sense of things. Resist peer pressure.
I only know you through your art, so I can only offer that I really admire the amount of personality you put into your art and find it inspiring whenever you post (on any account).
With how much you do , it makes sense you'd be feeling this way but it still sucks you don't have infinite time. There's only so much we can prioritize and actually get done at the end of the day, week, year etc ; [
FWIW it was nice to read this and feel a bit more understanding about where you've been at. I think a lot about people I've met/known etc and some memories feel like they were just a year ago even if it's been almost a decade. I always wonder how people REALLY are doing!
Hope the year still ends well for you and you also get some downtime to just relax.