Thinking about identity
a year ago
Weird isn't it, gender identity? How apparently it can be wrong for you?
The weird thing is, for me, I don't think I've ever stopped not being typical to my gender. When I was young, I would buy dolls instead of cars, imagine my hair as long, instead of short and cry easily, instead of holding it all in and lash out. I always thought that it meant that I was different from the others.
The weird thing is how these small things don't always pan out
I've been getting way too obsessed with a singular question as of late, one of which included my identity. And the funny thing is, it's been gnawing me, more and more as of late. Rarely have I ever imagined myself as another, but I never took it personally. It got to the point that it started to bother me during my everyday life. It was impossible, I am unable to think normally and get on the bigger question in my life. What am I doing here!?
So, I started looking into it. I've looked up what people say online. I considered what many mentioned and compared it to myself.
And weirdly, the more I looked, the more desperate I became in understanding about myself. What am I feeling? Why can't I let go of this feeling? Why am I so stupidly obsessed?
And so, I did the most intimate test. I tried to see myself, in my intimate moment, as another.
All I felt was sick and tired. I felt shaken and sick in the stomach. I felt odd about myself and what I was doing.
And then I looked in the mirror, and it was all alright. And thinking on it, it all makes sense now. I can see myself, as I am, no better or worse than I was before. A bit flawed, but with his own strengths. Not the best looker, but not uneasy on the eyes. Even now, looking at this thing that I have, I can't imagine without it.
I feel safe. I feel myself. I feel at home. I feel...right.
Perhaps, I will not stop wondering about what would I be if I were different. But, I thought I was looking into the truth of myself, when all I did was push my own buttons, thinking I can better myself. But the reality, I don't want to change what I have. I want to better myself, but with the way I am, I don't want to lose what I am.
And if I feel better as this, why should I bother with exploring someone that is not me? Sure, I can try out some tests, see if I feel better that way...but then I realize, I found it too much work. Do I really want it then, if I find it too hard? I wouldn't seek to change anything that I already got, in which case, why is this so necessary for me to do?
So what if I don't fall within the typical lines? I've always been myself. Even the others found that out. And so what if I don't always realize what I am supposed to do? I've reacted to so many weird situations, maybe it's just a sign of my own view of the world. Sometimes, I just don't see myself there, but that doesn't mean I want to escape my body. When I see myself in a photo, in a video, or in a mirror, I am happy! I can see myself and see that I interact with the world! That I exist, and not just in my own thoughts! And so what if I feel empathetic to all who I see and speak to? That's just how I learned to be with other people, and people are wonderful! But they do not represent me!
As I look back, I realize, I was way too scared of what Might be "true" than I enjoyed the thought of it being true. I was never hit with logic behind what I was feeling, I was panicking. I kept confronting the "problem", but all I did was pull myself into a spiral.
I am perfectly fine person, whose identity is also, perfectly fine. I am atypical, but not made "wrong", and I don't need to change myself. I don't have to seek a solution, as there is no problem.
Perhaps, I am still going to question myself about many more stuff.
But I think I figured out where I am on this.
Good day to you all,
From Your Kind Sir
The weird thing is, for me, I don't think I've ever stopped not being typical to my gender. When I was young, I would buy dolls instead of cars, imagine my hair as long, instead of short and cry easily, instead of holding it all in and lash out. I always thought that it meant that I was different from the others.
The weird thing is how these small things don't always pan out
I've been getting way too obsessed with a singular question as of late, one of which included my identity. And the funny thing is, it's been gnawing me, more and more as of late. Rarely have I ever imagined myself as another, but I never took it personally. It got to the point that it started to bother me during my everyday life. It was impossible, I am unable to think normally and get on the bigger question in my life. What am I doing here!?
So, I started looking into it. I've looked up what people say online. I considered what many mentioned and compared it to myself.
And weirdly, the more I looked, the more desperate I became in understanding about myself. What am I feeling? Why can't I let go of this feeling? Why am I so stupidly obsessed?
And so, I did the most intimate test. I tried to see myself, in my intimate moment, as another.
All I felt was sick and tired. I felt shaken and sick in the stomach. I felt odd about myself and what I was doing.
And then I looked in the mirror, and it was all alright. And thinking on it, it all makes sense now. I can see myself, as I am, no better or worse than I was before. A bit flawed, but with his own strengths. Not the best looker, but not uneasy on the eyes. Even now, looking at this thing that I have, I can't imagine without it.
I feel safe. I feel myself. I feel at home. I feel...right.
Perhaps, I will not stop wondering about what would I be if I were different. But, I thought I was looking into the truth of myself, when all I did was push my own buttons, thinking I can better myself. But the reality, I don't want to change what I have. I want to better myself, but with the way I am, I don't want to lose what I am.
And if I feel better as this, why should I bother with exploring someone that is not me? Sure, I can try out some tests, see if I feel better that way...but then I realize, I found it too much work. Do I really want it then, if I find it too hard? I wouldn't seek to change anything that I already got, in which case, why is this so necessary for me to do?
So what if I don't fall within the typical lines? I've always been myself. Even the others found that out. And so what if I don't always realize what I am supposed to do? I've reacted to so many weird situations, maybe it's just a sign of my own view of the world. Sometimes, I just don't see myself there, but that doesn't mean I want to escape my body. When I see myself in a photo, in a video, or in a mirror, I am happy! I can see myself and see that I interact with the world! That I exist, and not just in my own thoughts! And so what if I feel empathetic to all who I see and speak to? That's just how I learned to be with other people, and people are wonderful! But they do not represent me!
As I look back, I realize, I was way too scared of what Might be "true" than I enjoyed the thought of it being true. I was never hit with logic behind what I was feeling, I was panicking. I kept confronting the "problem", but all I did was pull myself into a spiral.
I am perfectly fine person, whose identity is also, perfectly fine. I am atypical, but not made "wrong", and I don't need to change myself. I don't have to seek a solution, as there is no problem.
Perhaps, I am still going to question myself about many more stuff.
But I think I figured out where I am on this.
Good day to you all,
From Your Kind Sir